ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Loved it Marty, loved it. I really like the way you have put the poem in letter form. This must have been the story for so many young men. I know of other families that lost multiple sons. We can't imagine it.

Heather

Agree with Heather Marty - a few typos in it you might want to fix and some punctuation as this IMO detracts from this wonderful story.

Perhaps another word would fit better in this verse where you have understand in close proximity.

Dearest mother I am writing you from somewhere in the sand
I cant tell you anymore than that , I know you understand
the days are long and hot , they send us marching every day
I'll tell you more you understand , as soon as I can say

perhaps

I'll tell you more soon as I'm able or as soon as I can say

This is just so descriptive and it touches the heart - you can see Mum getting the letters and I really like the way he has sent the warning home to Mum to not let the other boys go and then his distress when he finds out they have.

What makes it even more poignant is the fact that you have added the footnote so the reader now knows that these were fair dinkum Aussie Diggers and where they fought and died

This last verse is especially telling. Needed a pause after suffering otherwise it reads as he died but not from a shot in the head.


Mrs Boyce it is my duty to inform you that your son
Private George Henry Boyce service number 1121
Has been identified at Doulens as one of many dead
he went quickly without suffering. A gunshot to the head



I reckon you should follow this up with a piece on what happened to the other two brothers maybe a trilogy
perhaps merge/link the two poems together on the third one.

Just a thought - but thoroughly enjoyed this one - as Zondrae would say - give it a polish and it will shine.


Cheers

Maureen

Yep that works - good on ya Marty

Cheers

Maureen

Well done Marty!
Cheers
Trisha

Go Marty, go Marty! Brilliant stuff.

Heather

This is really really good Marty. I also love the different way you have set it out, so much better than just a sort of historical story about things that happen during wartime, which dare I say it, can end up being a little bit boring. This is something that really grabs your attention quickly and holds it right til the end. It still has a powerful message, made even more powerful I think by the different way it is presented.

I love this Marty, one of those poems I could read again & again, well done mate,
though, in the last line 4th stanza, should 'well' be 'we'll', just the way I read it.