Homework w/e 6.2.12 Mountain View

[Robyn]

I've been fiddling around trying out different length lines - I haven't done a 15-10 one before. Would appreciate comments on how you think it works, as well as general comments and hints for improvement.
Thanks.

Mountain view

A backpack and some sturdy shoes, a chilled and brimming bottle,
a mountainside that’s offering a view;
a track lined with callistemon and showy, yellow wattle,
the bushes only parted by a few.

There’s prickly silver foliage, a mass of purple flowers,
your presence felt as softness in the air;
secluded shady hidey-holes where love birds make their bowers,
seductive fan of feathers showing care.

The ants attack a dying worm, the kookaburras chuckle,
the morning clouds are pregnant with the rain;
old stringybarks are creaking as their skin begins to buckle,
the wallabies a witness to the pain.

My sturdy shoes are dirty as I push through native grasses,
the view is best enjoyed while day is new;
the wattle drains of colour as each marching minute passes,
and all that I can think about is you.

(c) Robyn Sykes 2012

[Maureen K Clifford]

Hi Robyn - It works well IMO and I like it with the exception of this line

the wattle drains of colour

which kind of didn't feel right although I totally understand the meaning. To me it sounded harsh and discordant placed in what is essentially a softly romantic poem. Wondered if perhaps the wattle fades in colour might be an option or is that too cliche?

I liked your pregnant clouds and your creaking stringybark - they are very good atmospheric showing not telling pictures.. All in all a good effort - yeah

Cheers

Maureen

[Robyn]

Thanks Maureen. I'l go and work on it.
Robyn

[Irene]

Beautiful pictures Robyn - and it flows so wonderfully easy off the tongue.
thanks for sharing - loved it.

Catchya
IRene

[Robyn]

Thanks Irene.
BTW, you live in a beautiful part of the world. My husband and I visited last year, while in WA to visit a son who works in the mines. We spent a couple of nights at Jurien Bay, and loved it.
Robyn

[Neville Briggs]

Excellent Robyn. I couldn't find anything that I would want to suggest to change ( that's just my angle )

What I liked is that it is obviously an authentic experience, it shows, and that makes a lot of difference in these type of poems, I think.

You get my vote for top marks for the workshop to-day

[Robyn]

Thanks Neville. I appreciate the encouragement!
Robyn

[Heather]

I think it works well Robyn. I'm a fan of lines of different lengths and also of using feminine endings and strong endings in alternate lines. Lawson used both a lot to great effect. It's amazing the different sound or feel you can get in a poem by using both of those techniques.

Compare the following Lawson poems.


Andy's Gone With Cattle

Our Andy's gone to battle now
'Gainst Drought, the red marauder;
Our Andy's gone with cattle now
Across the Queensland border.

He's left us in dejection now;
Our hearts with him are roving.
It's dull on this selection now,
Since Andy went a-droving.

compare the sound to this where the feminine ending is in the first line.

Andy's Return
WITH pannikins all rusty,
And billy burnt and black,
And clothes all torn and dusty,
That scarcely hide his back;
With sun-cracked saddle-leather,
And knotted greenhide rein,
And face burnt brown with weather,
Our Andy’s home again!


Heather

[Robyn]

When you see them side by side like that, it's amazing what a difference it makes!
Thanks
Robyn

[Heather]

Here's another one Robyn. This one starts with a stressed syllable on each line and it sounds different again. I'm working on one like this at the moment so was pleased to see that Henry did it too!

Mount Bukaroo
Henry Lawson

Only one old post is standing --
Solid yet, but only one --
Where the milking, and the branding,
And the slaughtering were done.
Later years have brought dejection,
Care, and sorrow; but we knew
Happy days on that selection
Underneath old Bukaroo.