Homework week ended 20-2-2012 Reflections

[Maureen K Clifford]

Beautiful mate - just beautiful

Quay/day is a bit dodgy - but doesn't IMO detract at all - Americans in some areas pronounce it as kway/kay to rhyme with sway so don't think it is really a problem

Cheers

Maureen

[Mal McLean]

Like in the the folk song:-

'The good ship Ragamuffin was lying at the quay' (cay)

Perfectly acceptable old chap.

A bonza poem. Felt you. (is it okay for a bloke to say that?)

[Glenny Palmer]

.....mmm....not sure on that one Mal. But then some folk are more 'adventurous' than others....

Goodonya Marty. Looking good.

Cheeers
Glenny

[Robyn]

Lovely images Marty. I particularly liked mother nature with her brush and pallet bared
.
Perhaps the previous line would be better without the upon, which is a word most people don't use when speaking.
Could be replaced with feasted on, or taken in or I'm sure you'd come up with something.
Well done!
Cheers
Robyn

[Mal McLean]

i have cut off my fingers in shame....

[Neville Briggs]

You're quick off the mark Marty.

The matter of quay and day I believe, is not a matter of right and wrong. I think it could be called a sight rhyme, and there's nothing illegal about that. It's a matter of preference. Some people don't like sight rhymes, (some people don't like beer ! )

You might need to think about the repeated use of the word reflections. I'm not sure, that's a difficult one to pronounce judgement on. Just my gut feeling that a bit of variety might strengthen the verse.

You've got some good active voice ( things doing things ) .

I am trying to learn, and I have to keep reminding myself that I should accept that the symbol or image is adequate and will stand on its own.
What I mean by that is; e.g. do you need to say " reflected on still water ". maybe " reflected on the water " is enough, and you have explained in stanza 2 that the water is like mirrored glass. That does the job.
Do you need to say " gentle scenes " maybe just scenes, and again you have given the image of the pelican, so that does the job of showing the gentleness of the scene, maybe you don't need the adjective " gentle "

Do you know what I mean. We have to decide whether we need to tell and show.
There's no rule that I know of, you can tell and show if you think that is needed, but if you do a good job of showing, maybe you don't need to tell, it's already done.

One miniscule bit of pedantry. Pallet is the wooden tray for forklifts. Palette is the artist's selection of colours.

I won't go on any more.
I hope I didn't go on too much. It is a workshop, so I get enthused to discuss.

Good to see you having a go. A lot of promise there. Keep up the good work.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Neville...Marty might have had heavy paint and needed a forklift

Seriously (putting serious face on and removing clown mask) I like how you have explained that Neville - food for thought IMO for all of us.

Cheers

Maureen

[Neville Briggs]

Thanks Maureen.

That looks good to me Marty. The main thing is, are you happier with it ?

Sorry ...one other thing, the last line is a bit hard to get, straight off.
I wonder if there is another word that gives the meaning clearer than " pared " It's your call.

[Neville Briggs]

OK.

[Bob Pacey]

I think in that concept it fits well Marty, I'd already had to look up the meaning.

I did however assume incorrectly that his wife had passed on and it was a bit like the lament in the song " A Daisy A Day ".

A good exhibition of your gentler side and a good read and story line.


Bob