Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
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Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
Sorry Maureen, couldn't help myself certainly not politically correct but there was no PC way back when! (In the days of guzzunders)
Guzzunder Blunder.
©Ron Boughton. July ’22.
Somewhere out in the scrub, in a dilapidated town
Where mostly all the residents, could often wear a frown
When if they happened to pass old Jeb and his missus Nell
Their nostrils were savaged by a most offensive smell!
For Jeb and Nell on average only washed about once a year
Plus being mean and ornery, they’d cuss and spit and sneer!
Their gums were sorta’ green, where long ago teeth had once been!
Resulting nothing less …than halitosis quite obscene!
B.O. they raised above the norm’! Even the dunny man
Had cause to take offence, and refused to collect their pan!
But this didn’t worry Jeb because their rough as guts old shack
Was on the edge of town with an old mine shaft at the back!
The dunny now was obsolete, and guzzunders were the go,
With contents pitched down the shaft each couple of days or so!
And with a bit of practice, that really …wasn’t very wise
They’d pitch it from the window, and oh gawd! The swarming flies!
The council aldermen declared their presence did detract,
From any tourist dollars to the town they could attract!
So of these putrid yokels, they could quietly be rid,
It would at least for all the town, be worth a million quid!
But nothing seemed to come to mind, no answer obvious,
That is without the townsfolk being dodgy devious!
But liberation was at hand, and filled all hearts with glee,
And, quite unexpected was, the guzzunders held the key!
With hygiene non-existent, being averse to the tub,
They’d long been barred, from both, the local Pub and Bowling Club!
So Jeb then built a still and brewed a wicked rotgut booze,
That totally addled the brain and just a nip would rot your shoes!
But trouble brewed one stormy night when lightning hit the still
And all that evil liquor, started gushing in a spill!
A frantic stricken Jeb, so desperate to save his brew!
Filled any containers found, including …guzzunders too!
He stuck them back beneath the bed, to bottle sometime soon,
But guzzling remnants of the spill, his brain passed in a swoon!
He crashed out on the bed, and good intentions disappeared,
As Nell came in with candle light and, on her face she speared,
She’d slipped on slops those guzzunders dropped, as they’d overflowed,
Then as flame from the candle dropped, oh boy, did they explode!
And then the still and grog went up in one almighty blast!
That blew the filthy hut and contents upwards …ultrafast!
For all townsfolk who witnessed, the fireworks that stormy night
And saw the forms of Jeb and Nell there, blasting out of site!
Would say, St. Pete had only sent, a really strong downdraft
As their cart-wheeling corpses vanished, down the old mine shaft,
Earth moving dozers quickly, pushed the huts remains down too
Then concrete plants worked overtime and filled that mine ensue!
And now the town is prosperous as tourists flock to see,
A giant guzzunder statue ...where a mine shaft used to be!
Guzzunder Blunder.
©Ron Boughton. July ’22.
Somewhere out in the scrub, in a dilapidated town
Where mostly all the residents, could often wear a frown
When if they happened to pass old Jeb and his missus Nell
Their nostrils were savaged by a most offensive smell!
For Jeb and Nell on average only washed about once a year
Plus being mean and ornery, they’d cuss and spit and sneer!
Their gums were sorta’ green, where long ago teeth had once been!
Resulting nothing less …than halitosis quite obscene!
B.O. they raised above the norm’! Even the dunny man
Had cause to take offence, and refused to collect their pan!
But this didn’t worry Jeb because their rough as guts old shack
Was on the edge of town with an old mine shaft at the back!
The dunny now was obsolete, and guzzunders were the go,
With contents pitched down the shaft each couple of days or so!
And with a bit of practice, that really …wasn’t very wise
They’d pitch it from the window, and oh gawd! The swarming flies!
The council aldermen declared their presence did detract,
From any tourist dollars to the town they could attract!
So of these putrid yokels, they could quietly be rid,
It would at least for all the town, be worth a million quid!
But nothing seemed to come to mind, no answer obvious,
That is without the townsfolk being dodgy devious!
But liberation was at hand, and filled all hearts with glee,
And, quite unexpected was, the guzzunders held the key!
With hygiene non-existent, being averse to the tub,
They’d long been barred, from both, the local Pub and Bowling Club!
So Jeb then built a still and brewed a wicked rotgut booze,
That totally addled the brain and just a nip would rot your shoes!
But trouble brewed one stormy night when lightning hit the still
And all that evil liquor, started gushing in a spill!
A frantic stricken Jeb, so desperate to save his brew!
Filled any containers found, including …guzzunders too!
He stuck them back beneath the bed, to bottle sometime soon,
But guzzling remnants of the spill, his brain passed in a swoon!
He crashed out on the bed, and good intentions disappeared,
As Nell came in with candle light and, on her face she speared,
She’d slipped on slops those guzzunders dropped, as they’d overflowed,
Then as flame from the candle dropped, oh boy, did they explode!
And then the still and grog went up in one almighty blast!
That blew the filthy hut and contents upwards …ultrafast!
For all townsfolk who witnessed, the fireworks that stormy night
And saw the forms of Jeb and Nell there, blasting out of site!
Would say, St. Pete had only sent, a really strong downdraft
As their cart-wheeling corpses vanished, down the old mine shaft,
Earth moving dozers quickly, pushed the huts remains down too
Then concrete plants worked overtime and filled that mine ensue!
And now the town is prosperous as tourists flock to see,
A giant guzzunder statue ...where a mine shaft used to be!
Last edited by Ron on Wed Jul 27, 2022 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
G/day Ron
I've known people a bit like that.
But like all good yarns it had a happy ending - all though, perhaps not for Jeb & Nell.
It reminds me of our old Thunderbox at Coober Pedy, it was perched precariously on an old crumbling mine shaft.
Gunther my mate decided to get rid of the resident Redbacks by throwing burning paper down it, and it exploded.
He got some nasty burns from it.
Good yarn Ron
Terry
I've known people a bit like that.
But like all good yarns it had a happy ending - all though, perhaps not for Jeb & Nell.
It reminds me of our old Thunderbox at Coober Pedy, it was perched precariously on an old crumbling mine shaft.
Gunther my mate decided to get rid of the resident Redbacks by throwing burning paper down it, and it exploded.
He got some nasty burns from it.
Good yarn Ron
Terry
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
Thanks Terry,
All a bit of fun mate.
Sounds like Gunther might have been better off risking the red backs!
But there are so many true stories out there about the old dunnies, I can recall many on building sites before the porta loos came along, . There were some rough and ready makeshift ones that you wouldn't enter these days!
Cheers
Ron
All a bit of fun mate.
Sounds like Gunther might have been better off risking the red backs!
But there are so many true stories out there about the old dunnies, I can recall many on building sites before the porta loos came along, . There were some rough and ready makeshift ones that you wouldn't enter these days!
Cheers
Ron
- Maureen K Clifford
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
I'm laughing and reading the yarn am wondering if your MC's didn't perhaps live in Ipswich where our residents are complaining nightly of a goddamned awful stink that wafts around the town, causing us to close windows and doors and it is coming from old mine shafts or so we have been told
Laughing at Terry's comment as well as the same thing happened to us when I had some Pommie relatives come stay with us when we were at our 2nd property Dilladerri out the back of Inglewood. We told Uncle that before using the dunny he would need to drop a lighted bit of paper down to scare off any snakes, red backs or other things that may have taken up inhabiting it in the 3 months since we were last there.
He followed our instructions to the letter, with my Aunty in attendance, both peering down the long drop to see what might eventuate .... singed hair and eyebrows and a massive fright for two seniors was what eventuated. They certainly had some hair raising Aussie adventures to recount when they returned to UK
Laughing at Terry's comment as well as the same thing happened to us when I had some Pommie relatives come stay with us when we were at our 2nd property Dilladerri out the back of Inglewood. We told Uncle that before using the dunny he would need to drop a lighted bit of paper down to scare off any snakes, red backs or other things that may have taken up inhabiting it in the 3 months since we were last there.
He followed our instructions to the letter, with my Aunty in attendance, both peering down the long drop to see what might eventuate .... singed hair and eyebrows and a massive fright for two seniors was what eventuated. They certainly had some hair raising Aussie adventures to recount when they returned to UK
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
Thanks Maureen, yeah you never know what’s down those old mine shafts!
Also I reckon old Unc and Aunt may have been glad to get back to the safety of the English water closet!
I wrote a poem a while back, based on a true story told me by an old friend. After the war she and her husband were on a property out from Texas qld. and he went to shoot a snake in the old pit dunny with the d.b. shotgun. After the ensuing explosion her description of him coming out covered in crap would have everybody in fits of laughter!
Cheers
Ron
Also I reckon old Unc and Aunt may have been glad to get back to the safety of the English water closet!
I wrote a poem a while back, based on a true story told me by an old friend. After the war she and her husband were on a property out from Texas qld. and he went to shoot a snake in the old pit dunny with the d.b. shotgun. After the ensuing explosion her description of him coming out covered in crap would have everybody in fits of laughter!
Cheers
Ron
- Shelley Hansen
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
Well, Ron - definitely a great tale of time gone by! I think we've all known some "Jeb and Nell" types in our lives
Young people just don't have those kinds of adventures these days, do they??
Young people just don't have those kinds of adventures these days, do they??
Shelley Hansen
Lady of Lines
http://www.shelleyhansen.com
"Look fer yer profits in the 'earts o' friends,
fer 'atin' never paid no dividends."
(CJ Dennis "The Mooch o' Life")
Lady of Lines
http://www.shelleyhansen.com
"Look fer yer profits in the 'earts o' friends,
fer 'atin' never paid no dividends."
(CJ Dennis "The Mooch o' Life")
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
Thanks Shelley, yes it certainly is a different world today as far as the young ones go.
Guzzunders to ensuites in what seems a very short time span!
Cheers
Ron
Guzzunders to ensuites in what seems a very short time span!
Cheers
Ron
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
Love it Ron!
The Jebs & Nells of the world seem to pop up from time to time, particularly through the likes of local yarn spinners(who would never let the truth spoil a good story )but it will take a good one to beat this Ron! A good tale!
Sue
The Jebs & Nells of the world seem to pop up from time to time, particularly through the likes of local yarn spinners(who would never let the truth spoil a good story )but it will take a good one to beat this Ron! A good tale!
Sue
the door is always open, the kettles always on, my shoulders here to cry on, i'll not judge who's right or wrong.
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
G'day Sue,
Thanks so much for your kind comments, they are much appreciated, and pleased that it gave you a good laugh!
And I agree, we certainly can't have that truth spoiling a good story!
Cheers
Ron.
Thanks so much for your kind comments, they are much appreciated, and pleased that it gave you a good laugh!
And I agree, we certainly can't have that truth spoiling a good story!
Cheers
Ron.
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Re: Homework July/22 'Guzzunder Blunder'
My first read of the Forum since returning from holiday, and a great start with this most amusing yarn Thanks for the smiles, Ron!