ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Does anyone have a copy of the mammogram poem? I used to but I dunno where it went. I don't even know who wrote it. The ladies at the cancer council asked me to do some poetry for them, and I reckon that'll be appropriate there ...

Shirley Fried from the Naked Poets wrote one and it's a ripper - the Mammogram and then there is this one.


The Boob poem
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
To her tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out.

Shirley Fried from the Naked Poets wrote

The Mammagram

I was booked to have a mammogram,
on a bus that comes around.
I waited ten minutes at the stop
outside the football ground.
Thought I might have missed it
when it pulled up at the kerb.
I mimed "Is this for the mammogram test?"
He nodded, I don't think he heard.

I jumped on with me clean, flesh-colour bra,
'Cross Your Heart' with a double-D tag.
Changed 'em while waiting outside for the bus,
stuffed the dirty ones in me bag.
It was getting late and raining.
Time to eat, and I was dying of thirst.
So I started to undress as I moved down the aisle.
After all ... I was the first.

The windows were misted over,
no curtains or blinds anywhere.
Tho' the destination board did say 'Private',
I was nervous 'cos me top half was bare.
Awaiting with arms folded,
it was only eight degrees.
I looked around for equipment ...
that could do the job with ease.

They have to be pressed at different angles.
Bit like lemons squeezed over a trout.
The only thing I could see ... that might work
were the doors you come in and go out.
It was difficult 'cos they were either end,
impossible to reach.
Didn't matter how I stood,
I couldn't get one in each.

I rang the bell ... for attention.
By then I could have cried.
I did when the doors flew open
to a roaring cheer outside.
I was so embarrassed ...
I looked a sight ... you're not wrong,
standing there in front of forty men
without a scrap of makeup on.

The driver shouted, "I don't know what your game is.
You'd better get dressed.
I'm hired to get this football team ...
to Manly's ground for the test."

Some of 'em vomited.
I was touched by the others.
They thought it might bring 'em luck
for the game against The Brothers.
We won by seven hundred and fifty points,
I'm now the team's mascot.
Touched before every game
whether they're playing or not.

Copyright; Shirley Friend

Thanks Maureen. I know the second one is by Shirley Friend cos she sent it to me herself, but she didn't write the first one. According to the internet (I didn't think to look there before, derr!!), Julia Napier wrote that one. I also found a good cartoon to illustrate the male mammogram or "manogram" ... sorry fellas ...


It was just here --->


but Heather removed it for me (I chickened out).

Thanks Heather!

Sorry Kym that first one on the site I was on was once again written by a nony mouse - and titled the Boob poem not Shirley as you rightly pointed out. I have onforwarded your info re the correct Author.

Cheers

Maureen

Would someone please enlighten me as to how to delete a post? I think I should remove the manogram diagram for the comfort of our male viewers. Maybe a purple moderator could remove said post, or at least the image, for me? Ta muchly!

Thank you ....

You are so welcome lovely moose person. I thought it was amusing. Not very comfortable mind, but amusing.

There is surposed to be equal righgt and we are the one's to decide if we are offended so you better put it up again and let us folks that have to work for a livin have a look.


Bob