For Sam

[Zondrae]

My Niece lost a son at 22 weeks of pregnancy and asked me to write something for him.

Though at first glance it does not look like it conforms to 'Bush Poetry' rules, I thinkI have satisfied the criteria of Rhyme and metre. Any comments?

FOR SAM
© Zondrae King (02/2006) Corrimal NSW

Although we never held your tiny hand
or kissed your cheeks
or smoothed your silken hair,
we’ll always keep the mem'ry of you near,
deep in our hearts, concealed but always there.

We know that only time alone can heal
the pain that rips
our grieving hearts in two.
They say the pain grows less with every tear
but aching scar will show that we loved you.

No son was ever wanted more than you
and yet this dream
was not of natures plan.
We have your footprints and our memories.
We’ll not forget you, Sam, our little man.

[Neville Briggs]

That's wonderful Zondrae. Great work. perfect for the job.



You asked for comments. Please Zondrae do two things. STOP WORRYING ABOUT ' THE RULES " and please please believe that words like " memory " are accepted as two syllables in contemporary usage, "mem'ry" is a usage that belongs to the 18th century.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Beautiful Zondrae - crafted with love and from the heart, who would ask for more. A perfect tribute that I am sure is cherished, and TOTALLY agree with Neville's comment.

[Stephen Whiteside]

A lovely poem, Zondrae.

It's certainly 'bush verse'. The only thing that might throw somebody off the track, insofar as it appears on the printed page, is that you have broken the second line of every verse into two lines - not that there's anything wrong with that. If you hadn't, the pattern would be 'good old ABCB'.

One small point. The last line of the second verse and the first line of the last verse both end in 'you'. To my ear, it sounds repetitive. I would try to think of a way to change one of them.

[Catherine Lee]

How terribly sad. This is a loving and very beautiful tribute that I know will be greatly cherished.

[Zondrae]

Thanks all,

and on the technical side - I would not have chosen this format - it kind of fell into place itself.

[TomChap]

Zondrae, the grammar in the last line of the second stanza seems to be forced, but it maintains the rhythm quite well. It would sound more grammatically comfortable with 'an' or 'the' before aching scar. but since you have used the plural pronoun 'we', it is probably better to pluralize to 'scars'. Then an article is not needed.
Tom.

[Robyn]

Well done Zondrae. A fitting tribute.
Regards
Robyn

[Zondrae]

Thanks Tom,

What a great photo of you. You look younger every day. Thanks for the clues re grammar. I don't always get it right. This is a family poem and therefore will not need correcting. It is mainly to express the pain we all felt at the time. We have not forgotten Sam and he is mentioned often during family celebrations.

G'day Robyn,

Thanks for the reply. Will you be coming over to Illawarra FF?

[TomChap]

Zondrae,

Please don't think that I didn't feel the pain expressed in that poem. I am quite emotional, and it brought a lump to my throat. I find that I have tears in my eyes at times when writing my own work, but not much of that is bush poetry. They are mainly sonnets.
However many members have responded to the very moving content and I thought that that aspect had been well covered.
But I miss any criticism of the artistic and/or technical aspects of our work. Almost everyone makes comment on the message, but not much on the construction. Although Neville and Stephen did contribute here. But the use of 'mem'ry' and 'memories' does distinguish between 2 and 3 syllables. (How else would you do it?)
I have doubts about my absolute artistic or poetic ability, but I take care with the technical side of my work—spelling, grammar, punctuation etc. That's probably my careful engineering background coming out.

Regards,
Tom.