Visiting Calvin, Aged Four And A Half

[Zondrae]

G'day Phil,
As I said I am posting this poem for you to see. It is definitely an 'elbow' poem, having come to me at 4am and demanding I get up right then and write it down. By the time everyone else was up I had it finished. It is an early piece and rough but I can't change it. I have included comments on the errors that I see today, but had not learned then.

VISITING CALVIN
AGED FOUR AND A HALF
© Zondrae King (06/04)

“Grandma, Grandma, Oh you’re here!
I love it when you come.
Will you come and watch me, Grandma?
Will you come and watch me run?” (oh dear assonance not rhyme)

So I sit and settle comfortably
And make myself at ease.
“Can you come on over Grandma,
Can you come and help me please?”

“Will you come down to the carpet
Will you get down on the floor
Cause I’ve got all these Leggo blocks
And we can make a tower.” (looks like a hit and miss with the rhyme)

So I stand and I start to descend
But hips and ankles just won’t bend. (woops, a complete change of rhyming pattern)
The old bones creak and groan to me
“We’re not young like we used to be.”

“Come on with me Grandma.
Come along and see my room.
Dad bought me an aeroplane
And I can make it zoom”

“Did I show you my computer?
Do you want to play a game?
If you click on the mouse button (no,no, - not two hard stresses together!!)
It will let you start again.”

Well I thought that getting down was rough
It made my joints complain
But you should hear the language
When I try to rise again.

“Come and help me Grandma
Get that book down from the shelf.
I can turn the pages over
But I can’t quite read myself.”

“Are you looking at me Grandma
Because I’ve learned something new. (you can not push the stress on a word, to where you want it to be: be/CAUSE)
I can hop across the lounge room
When I’m not wearing a shoe.”

I explain I need refueling
And I get a cup of tea.
“When you’re finished drinking Grandma,
Will you come and play with me?”

“We can play with Mighty Beans. (lost beat before the start- like a pause at the start of a song line)
Have you seen them before?
And I’ve made lots of space for us
Right here on the floor.”

“Come on Grandma, come and dance (again changing the metre and rhyming pattern for no apparent reason)
You can even hold my hands.
Come on Grandma dance with me
It won’t hurt your ‘dicky’ knee.”

Then we play a game of hide and seek
And others I won’t mention.
Sharing stories and adventures
All demanding my attention.

So when I need a workout
I don’t go down to the gym.
I just go and visit Calvin
And I spend the day with him.


Oh dear, you would think that I would had learned something in the preceeding 18 months. But looking back, this was ( as were most of my poems at that time,) a spontaneous poem. I call them 'elbow' poems now. I still perform this one from time to time and with a 'cutsie' voice and a few antics, I get away with it. When Calvin was four and a half, a visit was like a trip to the gym. He is more into computer games now-a-days. Except for the holiday Monopoly challenge we don't get to 'play' with him much anymore. He goes to high school next year.... and... he is almost as tall as me too.

[Neville Briggs]

The judges are all up at Tamworth Zondrae, so while they can't hear me, I'll say it, I think your poem is great. Those supposed faults you note, I don't think are faults at all.
Are you sure you can't make those metric variations ? I think you can.

Stephen Fry in his book "The Ode Less Travelled" has a very clear explanation on trochaic and pyrrhic substitutions.
I only wish some of our bush poetry judges would read it. oops sshhhhh.
Have a read , if you can get to a copy.

I enjoyed that poem Zondrae, it's one of those natural and spontaneous things that come from direct experience, that's the best part, I wouldn't worry about those alleged missteps. who cares, the poem is better than the technical arguments.


By the way. How did the Illawarra gig go ?




Neville

[Dave Smith]

Zondrae I like this poem
I agree with Neville mainly because I like to write how I speak, I can write in rhyme but meter and stress still have me beat and it’s because I cannot hear where the stress fits. I can read it in poems I recite but not I my speech pattern. Not to despair you write them and I’ll read them.

Dave S.

[Zondrae]

I wrote a report and saved it as a draft. Does anyone know where I might find it to post it on the site?

[Dave Smith]

Depending on your word processor mine get saved in “my documents”

Dave S.

[Zondrae]

I saved it when in the reply section of this site. Not in WP.

[Zondrae]

Thanks fellas,
I have performed this one over the years. It goes down well. I have a chair on stage and sit, stand, kneel, get up all with grimaces etc. and 'little voice' for Calvins parts. The people love it.

Illawarra was great. I ended up doing 2 x 20-25 minute spots by myself. This is new to me as I am used to sharing the stage with at least two other poets and doing one poem each til the time is up. However, I wrote a set list and felt very 'rock and roll'. I also had the chance to do 4 poems over the weekend at the Poets Breakfasts.

Laurie MacDonald did a very moving tribute to David Meyers. I took in a lace tablecloth and someone (either Peter Mace or Laurie) had a framed photo of David which we put up on the stage. After Laurie was finished we continued on with the 'list'. I read a Blue The Shearer poem 'Down Boy', which was one David used to do often. I have tried to gather some of David's own works but so far no luck. There is one poem in particular I would like to have a copy of. It is about a bloke who took his ride on mower to the pub so he would not get booked driving his car. The poem tells of the ride home from the pub. He takes a few detours.

The festival in general was, as usual, a feast of Music, song and dance, with just enough spoken word to stop me from seeing much else. They talk me into the woolly yard comp even though this is not my thing. But I do not go to the Limericks they are a little too risque for me. I must prepare several one minute wonders for next year.

That's it. I had to go to 'user control panel' and on the left is a menu and 'manage drafts'. I chose 'load' and it came up.

[Dave Smith]

That’s good to know I’m going to go have a look as I have lost a couple by hitting the wrong button, they just be in there.

TTFN

[r.magnay]

G'day Zondrae,
I remember that poem from the 'old days' I tend to agree with Neville on the judging and technical correctness, it all seemed pretty good to us at the time. As I have said many times, I sold more of my books than I ever imagined I would, and there is not too much that is technically correct in there!
I hope I
a) get to meet you someday, and
b) get to see/hear you perform sometime!

[Zondrae]

Well thanks Ross,

Not only for the encouragement but for the good wishes.

You never know with my old man - he is always threatening to'go bush' again. And even though I say he would be going on his own, I suppose I would tag along
-door bell!