Hidden Gully

[Zondrae]

G'day all,
I have had a poke around - and I can't see anywhere I have posted this poem on this site. It has some little 'bits' that I really liked. The best it has done in comps is a C. I'm not too good at picking the faults in my own work. (otherwise I'd fix them wouldn't I).
So, tell me (1) any big booboos (2) are my personal expressions too obscure? (3) is there anything you like or dislike. (I am preparing myself for a whipping)
Naturally, as the poem is now public, I would not change it but I would still like opinions on faults etc. If you don't wish to post your comments. I would welcome a private message (pm).


Hidden Gully
©Zondrae King (Corrimal)

Some days I go out walking with no plan inside my head.
I just let whimsy take me and I wander where I’m lead.
And so it came to be one day I found a magic place.
I know I wasn’t dreaming and a smile spread cross my face.

At first there came a fairy wren with grass held in its beak.
It flew into some nearby trees. It’s then I heard the creek.
The trees were old and twisted and half covered up by moss.
The ropes of climbing vines made curtains everywhere they’d cross.

I halted, stopped dead in my tracks and heard a little crunch
and rustle in the undergrowth of lizards chasing lunch.
Then there upon a sturdy branch a Cormorant, on high
sat holding up its out stretched wings to let its washing dry.

I sat and rested on a tree and did not make a sound
then spied a whiskered nose come from a doorway in the ground.
A sleek and timid water rat slid silent from the bank
then left a line of bubbles as into the creek he sank.

In shallows, near the edges of the creek, the reeds grew high
while out in deeper water schools of fingerlings swam by.
A quarrelling of Lorikeets flew circles round a tree
and finding nectar in the blossoms, landed close to me.

The Sun parading cross the sky appeared to smile down
A Bull Bull in the bushes shyly bowed her pointed crown.
A flash of red, her mate showed me the patch under his tail.
I gave a silent ‘thank you’ that I’d stopped beside the trail.

My daydreams blended readily with shadows of a tree.
God’s creatures moving here and there had shared some time with me.
My spirits were uplifted just to find this haven here.
The gully, tucked behind the houses, secret but so near.

[Neville Briggs]

G'day Zondrae. There is nothing that seems obscure to me. Only a minor comment, I wouldn't have used capitals for the names of creatures or the sun, that was a distraction for me. Line 1 of the 6th stanza is a bit bumpy, might need a rethink.

Other than that, great work !! You have made a picture of an experience and recreated the mood , I thought . A good one for a childrens book.

[Leonie]

No big boos boos, at least not that I could see. I'm sure that if there were any 'big' boos boos it wouldn't even have got the 'C'. It would have been thrown out in the first cull. Nothing wrong with getting a 'C' Zondrae that still means the poem is up there with the best, but I know what you mean, it leaves you wondering why it didn't do better.

A quarrelling of lorikeets might be a bit obscure, but only to someone who has never heard them. Actually I particularly like this line. I also like the line about the cormorant hanging it's washing out to dry. That's another that would only be obscure to someone who has never seen them. I always say they are hanging out their washing too. I think most would 'get' this.

There wasn't really anything that I didn't like but I wondered about the use of 'cross' instead of 'across' in a couple of places. I'm sure it's correct English and it fits the metre but it sort of jumped out at me because it's not the way we would normally speak. I seriously doubt that would be enough to influence a judge to mark it down though.

I think sometimes our poems just don't 'grab' the particular judge as much as another one might. We could analyse them til the cows come home but I doubt we would be any the wiser. I know I'm losing interest in comps a bit now because I find it hard to grasp what they are looking for. That might be a good thing in the end, just getting back to enjoying writing for the sake of the writing and not for how they might go in a comp.

[Irene]

Hi Zondrae
Lovely poem. You can be happy with it, for you have captured a moment in time so well.
A well deserved award!!

Having organised a couple of written comps, I know now that, even if one doesn't get a placing, it doesn't mean that the poem is not any good. Most times, there are a good number of poems that could be winning poems, but the judge has to make a decision somewhere. When there are a number of winning poems to choose from, the result is always going to be subjective, and lean towards what grabs the person judging the competition. In the bigger competitions, it must be very difficult to choose the winning awards from so many well written poems. As has been mentioned before, one must not get discouraged. The push to get feedback from a judge is great, because at least you can get an idea what they thought of your poem.

Your poetry always touches a chord - keep it up.

CAtchya
Irene

[Zondrae]

Thank you all for your encouragement.

It pleased me that you picked up on the Cormorant as that was one of the 'bits' I mentioned.
And Leonie, you win the prize... that "quarrelling of Lorikeets" was the main one I was concerned about. I like the collective term and I think it is perfect to describe a flock of these noisy birds when they are feeding. I have been reading many different well known poets works lately and there is more than one who 'make up' their own words. On occasion it is simply a stretch to make a rhyme. (I'm sure this would be frowned on). But the clever ones are inventing adjectives and superlatives.

Have you every heard that mystery sound in the bush.. like a dragon stretching? or perhaps that is truly a Bunyip making it's way home... and we really have watched the water rats slipping in and out of the water. Love to stand on the foot bridge and watch the schools of little mullet swimming frantically toward anything that falls into the water .. and dragonflys .. gotta go

[Heather]

Zondrae I thought it was a delightful poem. I think the imagery and the picture you paint is simply beautiful.

Found a spelling mistake in the second line. Lead should be led to rhyme with head.

I agree with Neville, you wouldn't use capitals for the animals names (you didn't for lizard but did for cormorant). There could be a couple of spots where it's a bit bumpy - I think you might have used two stressed words next to each other in a couple of places. I agree about the lorikeets. If you said they were quarrelling that would be fine but calling the collective group of lorikeets a quarrelling sounds a bit odd. A flock of quarrelling lorikeets would be apt.

Heather

[Peely]

G'day Zondrae

I have passed my eye over the poem and I don't think that any of the images are too obscure. I would agree with Leonie on the use of 'cross' instead of 'across'. I have read through the poem and commented on where I think it could possibly be improved.

Regards


John Peel


Hidden Gully
©Zondrae King (Corrimal)

Some days I go out walking with no plan inside my head.
I just let whimsy take me and I wander where I’m lead. (should be ‘led’ – otherwise you are very heavy or this would be a sight rhyme)
And so it came to be one day I found a magic place.
I know I wasn’t dreaming and a smile spread cross my face. (‘know’ should be ‘knew’, since the final couplet is otherwise in past tense. Possibly not the best rhyming line either)

At first there came a fairy wren with grass held in its beak.
It flew into some nearby trees. It’s then I heard the creek. (With the mention of the creek here, it might have been better to describe what you were hearing, otherwise this rhyme may look like it is out of place)
The trees were old and twisted and half covered up by moss.
The ropes of climbing vines made curtains everywhere they’d cross.

I halted, stopped dead in my tracks and heard a little crunch (tautology here – 'halted' and 'stopped dead' have pretty much the same meaning)
and rustle in the undergrowth of lizards chasing lunch.
Then there upon a sturdy branch a Cormorant, on high
sat holding up its out stretched wings to let its washing dry.

I sat and rested on a tree and did not make a sound
then spied a whiskered nose come from a doorway in the ground. (I read 'come' as a stronger stress than 'from', maybe ‘push through’ might work better)
A sleek and timid water rat slid silent from the bank (correct grammar would be 'silently' here)
then left a line of bubbles as into the creek he sank. (‘into’ is not in its normal stress pattern here, though it will move easily enough into the pattern used)

In shallows, near the edges of the creek, the reeds grew high
while out in deeper water schools of fingerlings swam by.
A quarrelling of Lorikeets flew circles round a tree
and finding nectar in the blossoms, landed close to me. (they would need to land to find the nectar in the blossoms, might be better rephrased as 'and finding blossoms filled with nectar landed close to me')

The Sun parading cross the sky appeared to smile down (‘smile’ has to be read as two syllables here)
A Bull Bull in the bushes shyly bowed her pointed crown.
A flash of red, her mate showed me the patch under his tail. (‘beneath’ would have fitted the metre better than ‘under’)
I gave a silent ‘thank you’ that I’d stopped beside the trail.

My daydreams blended readily with shadows of a tree. (grammar would normally require a ‘the’ before ‘with’)
God’s creatures moving here and there had shared some time with me.
My spirits were uplifted just to find this haven here. (unless you are narrating from the place in the poem, ‘here’ is possibly not the best rhyming word)
The gully, tucked behind the houses, secret but so near. (the phrasing needs to be reconsidered here also, could be worded better)

[Zondrae]

G'day John,

How's the job hunting going?
Now, thank you so much for taking the time to work over my poem. I am posting my replies... in brown italics.


Some days I go out walking with no plan inside my head.
I just let whimsy take me and I wander where I’m lead. (should be ‘led’ – otherwise you are very heavy or this would be a sight rhyme).. spelling error wrong type of lead.
And so it came to be one day I found a magic place.
I know I wasn’t dreaming and a smile spread cross my face. (‘know’ should be ‘knew’, since the final couplet is otherwise in past tense. Possibly not the best rhyming line either) I always have problems with tense! and if I had written "I knew I wasn't dreaming by the smile across my face"?

At first there came a fairy wren with grass held in its beak.
It flew into some nearby trees. It’s then I heard the creek. (With the mention of the creek here, it might have been better to describe what you were hearing, otherwise this rhyme may look like it is out of place) The problem I have sometimes is I am telling it as I remember it. I know there is a creek!
The trees were old and twisted and half covered up by moss.
The ropes of climbing vines made curtains everywhere they’d cross.

I halted, stopped dead in my tracks and heard a little crunch (tautology here – 'halted' and 'stopped dead' have pretty much the same meaning) I was aware of saying it twice. I wanted to emphasise the sudden, complete stop.
and rustle in the undergrowth of lizards chasing lunch.
Then there upon a sturdy branch a Cormorant, on high
sat holding up its out stretched wings to let its washing dry.

I sat and rested on a tree and did not make a sound
then spied a whiskered nose come from a doorway in the ground. (I read 'come' as a stronger stress than 'from', maybe ‘push through’ might work better) here I wanted to use 'appear' but couldn't work it in at the time. Even 'and then a whiskered nose came through' would have been better. I see it now.
A sleek and timid water rat slid silent from the bank (correct grammar would be 'silently' here) but can't we poets twist our language? or if I had a comma, (not apostrophes,) before and after 'silent'. is that still wrong?
then left a line of bubbles as into the creek he sank. (‘into’ is not in its normal stress pattern here, though it will move easily enough into the pattern used) would "..bubbles in the water where he sank?" be better?

In shallows, near the edges of the creek, the reeds grew high
while out in deeper water schools of fingerlings swam by.
A quarrelling of Lorikeets flew circles round a tree
and finding nectar in the blossoms, landed close to me. (they would need to land to find the nectar in the blossoms, might be better rephrased as 'and finding blossoms filled with nectar landed close to me') that still puts the nectar before the landing.. What about "and landing, they found nectar in the blossoms close to me" is the metre still OK?

The Sun parading cross the sky appeared to smile down (‘smile’ has to be read as two syllables here)? alternative?
A Bull Bull in the bushes shyly bowed her pointed crown.
A flash of red, her mate showed me the patch under his tail. (‘beneath’ would have fitted the metre better than ‘under’) some days the brain isn't in gear! which is a way of saying 'why did't I think of that'
I gave a silent ‘thank you’ that I’d stopped beside the trail.

My daydreams blended readily with shadows of a tree. (grammar would normally require a ‘the’ before ‘with’)(why? sounds normal to me. would 'in' instead of 'with' be acceptable) another thought.. as it is plural I think it is ok but if it were one lone tree, then it needs a 'the'.
God’s creatures moving here and there had shared some time with me.
My spirits were uplifted just to find this haven here. (unless you are narrating from the place in the poem, ‘here’ is possibly not the best rhyming word)
The gully, tucked behind the houses, secret but so near. (the phrasing needs to be reconsidered here also, could be worded better)
I had a lot of trouble with the ending. This is probably the third or fourth. I was trying to say... it is here but not many people are aware of it being so close and so overgrown but still beatiful and full of life. It is literally behind some houses. There is a creek which is mostly just a trickle but supports so much wildlife.

(I'm glad I didn't lose it.)
___

[Peely]

G'day Zondrae

I am doing some part time work in Tumut at the moment, so better than it was.

Stanza 1 - your new final line is better

Stanza 2 - you know there is a creek, but it is a while before the person reading it knows that. Your images that include the creek are a bit further into the poem - this is why I made mention of it.

Stanza 3 - fair enough, but not every judge will see things that way.

Stanza 4 - I agree with the first comment. On comment two, silently is an adverb, that is why it goes with slid. Silent is an adjective and needs to go with a noun. Commas don't really solve the problem here as the adjective should be closer to the noun (water rat in this case). 'Quietly' works better but you still have the extra unstressed syllable. The thesaurus didn't really give a good two-syllable adverb. Final phrase works better.

Stanza 5 - Your new line is better than both the original and the suggestion. Metre is OK, I would go with it.

Stanza 6 - 'The sun parading through the sky was warmly smiling down' - is one possibility. If you are going to use 'cross', it really should have an apostrophe before to indicate the missing letter - the Macquarie thesaurus doesn't list 'cross' as a synonym for 'across'.

Stanza 7 - 'freely' might be better than 'readily' here - 'My daydreams blended freely with the shadows of a tree'. Some judges might be harsher than others on leaving out the 'the' as it is something that you see people do often enough, even though it is not grammatically correct. A possible ending might be:

'My spirits were uplifted to have found this bush retreat -
a secret gully bordered by a busy city street'

Regards


John Peel

[warooa]

Morning Zondrae . . . enjoyed your poem. There's a special little creek coming out of the mountains near where I live I've tried to pen a poem about. That's helped me on my way. On the 'quarrelling of lorikeets' I especially reckon it's not obscure or odd at all when looking at other collective nouns for birds - ie. an exaltation of larks or a murder of crows. A quick google for lorikeets shows a "pandemonium" or -obscure with a capital O . . an "arnott" of lorikeets.

Cheers, Marty