Missing Snake

[Dave Smith]

Kym apart from all the banter coud I please read your poem about a Snake?

Mr Dave Smith From Collie WA.


Oh look Page 2

[Kym]

Geez Louise, I think I've gotten more comments out of you lot, but NOT putting this poem on! It's really not a good poem - I filed it in "cr@p poems" section on my computer! Now it seems that removing it has created a mystery that has piqued your curiosity. When you read it, you'll be really let down ...

OK, here it is ***heavy sigh*** but remember, it's one of the very first poems I wrote, so she's not real good!

Granny, Getcha’ Gun

Women in the bush don’t always have a man handy to rescue them from scary situations, and handling a gun becomes a necessity when a snake puts in an appearance. This poem is a weird combination of several close calls with serpent visitors, and includes my mother’s brilliant gun handling skills (and my lack thereof), with a lot of imagination in between. My Mum is a crack shot when it comes to snakes, but the “bad shot and bolt” incident herein, I have to confess was something that happened to me …

My old Gran wears an apron, grey hair in a bun,
she’s an expert at puddings and cakes.
But the thing I like best, about my tiny Gran,
is the way that she kills all those snakes.

And my Gran has killed dozens, or hundreds, or more.
Through the grass, she can follow their track
Not a single snake’s lived, after it and Gran meet.
not a one … well, except that big black!

Well, the big day, it happened when I was ‘bout ten -
and a snake skin she found on the floor,
at least a foot longer than this time last year!
Granny hitched up her pants – this was war!

Then by heck! There he was - calmly sunning himself,
shiny ebony, glistening and new.
My old Gran took a breath, turned her pacemaker up,
gripped the hoe – yes, she knew what to do …

Granny chopped up her pansies, she chopped up her peas.
The snake dodged and weaved as he fled.
Gran demolished her daisies - no signs of remorse.
She declared that “That snake should be dead!”

But the sweat from her brow, dripped and pooled in her specs,
and it blurred her poor sight as it spread.
“Oh, by jingo – there’s two!” Granny squealed with delight -
then she chopped off the wrong bloody head.

Well the real snake took off, turbo boosters on full,
and folks, that’s when the chase turned real fun!
Speedy Gran chased the snake, and I yelled after Gran,
“Hang on Granny! I’ll go getcha’ gun!!”

Then the next time she circled the house, I ran out,
and I relay passed out the 4-10.
Granny slid in the bullet, and shot from the hip,
but she missed it, oh bugger, and then …

As the bullet exploded in front of the snake,
and the shock waves clean flipped the poor beast -
the snake, blinded by dust, and the noise in his head,
kept on scooting, to north, south or east.

Well he slithered as fast as his scales would go
and he didn’t care where he was pointed.
Granny screeched as the serpent sped straight back at her -
you would swear the old girl’s double jointed!

Granny turned tail and bolted. She screamed like a girl.
For an old chook she sure had some go!
And if video cameras were made way back then,
I’d have won me a prize on that show!

Granny ran like Kath Freeman across the front lawn,
with the gun smoking over her hip,
and a blind, deaf, black snake, chasing hot in pursuit
Granny galloped to give him the slip.

Well, you wouldn’t believe it - I saw it myself -
that poor snake - he just plopped over dead!
But my Gran kept on running - a victory lap,
“I knew I’d outlast him!” she said.

My old Gran wears an apron, grey hair in a bun,
she’s an expert at puddings and cakes.
But the thing I like best, about my tiny Gran,
is the way that she outruns those snakes!


See!!! I told you it wasn't worth reading.

Sorry ...

[mummsie]

Oh it's worth reading Kym!!. Thank goodness you posted it again. Very funny. I loved it. Sometimes Kym, we just need to forget the rules and just enjoy the story. Thank you for sharing.

Sue

[william williams]

Good on you Kym! Poetry was meant to be light hearted and enjoyed not nessesaryly all prim and proper like we are told it should be

BILL W

[Maureen K Clifford]

Good on you Sue my feeling exactly - see I told youse all it was good

[Dave Smith]

Thank you Kym.
I do like your sense of humour when it comes to Grand Parents; Shot guns, high-powered mowers and the like.

TTFN

[Kym]

Goodo, glad you all got a laugh out of it. As I said, my Mum is a crack shot when it comes to snakes. Dad's got heaps of gun club trophies, but Mum listens to the birds in the garden and can tell by their chatter when there's a snake around, and she's onto 'em! She loves her garden, but will demolish the plants without a thought cos she loves gettin' them snakes even more!

I, on the other hand, am now banned from using guns. The part in the poem about the bullet hitting dirt under the snake's head and him flipping over and chasing me really did happen. Frank came home on the motorbike, and as he was riding down the driveway, he saw me running with a gun in my hand, and the snake following. He was very confused.

And I'm not allowed to use matches any more after burning rubbish in the 44 gallon drum (almost burned the creek twice, lucky Frank was home). And I also found out the hard way not to pour water onto an oil fire on the stove.

[Heather]

Kymmie you are a worry! Just think of all the great poems we'd have missed if it weren't for your misadventures!

[mummsie]

Sounds like there's a few more poems to be written Kym!!!


Sue

[Kym]

Oh, it's not just me who's prone to these misadventures. It's the whole family.

Frank dynamited a tree stump out with such precision, it flew straight up, up, up, hung in the air like in the cartoons, then shot straight back down into the same hole.

And then there was the time they decided to pull a parachute behind the landcruiser ...

And the time they found a koala beside the road and decided to bring him home for me to look after, and as they were driving, the koala came back to life and turned into a snarling Taz Devil and the two men were hanging off the opened truck doors as the cruiser was hurtling down the dirt road ...

And another time Frank climbed a tree to get a close up photo of a sleeping koala, and it woke up and they make a god-awful noise, and Frank fell out of the tree ...

And the time that Dad suspected that his workman was nicking Dad's lunch, so he put a few laxative chocolate blocks in the lunch box then laughed and laughed and laughed all afternoon every time he saw the tractor stop out in the paddock and the workman get out in a hurry ...

And here's Kristy when she was little going in the poddy riding comp ... Not the most graceful of landings, hey?