Position 9 Row B Wall 28

Neville Briggs · Post by **Neville Briggs** » Wed Mar 30, 2011 2:21 pm

You've got some real good stuff going there Marty.

I hope I'm allowed to make constructive suggestions here. I think you could do without stanza four. The rest says it all. What do you think ?
The other thing I'd suggest is that instead of saying " stark wall " that you try and think of a word or words that describe the physical property of the wall that makes it look stark. That's a hard one, but I think can be done to powerful effect.

The solemn repetition of the numbers is excellent, really makes the mood.

And I wouldn't try and polish up the metre, leave it, it works fine like that.

I make these suggestions because I think this is one of the best things you have done. With a bit of refining I reckon this would be a good one to put in one of those service events that are coming up for ANZAC Day.

Good on ya, Marty.

Neville Briggs · Post by **Neville Briggs** » Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:01 am

That looks good to me Marty. Are you happy with that. If you get a chance to test it on the soldiers and get their response that will be interesting.

Maureen K Clifford · Post by **Maureen K Clifford** » Thu Mar 31, 2011 8:47 am

It's good Marty ....will go down a treat I would think .

Had you thought of 'cold' marble walls as in marble is cold, death is cold, as opposed to 'stark marble walls.'??

Cheers

Maureen

Dave Smith · Post by **Dave Smith** » Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:26 pm

Good Job.I like it.

Maureen K Clifford · Post by **Maureen K Clifford** » Tue Apr 05, 2011 9:36 am

Be sure to let us know how it goes...I think it is pretty damn good...the telling of the numbers drives home the stark reality of it. Well done Marty

Cheers

Maureen

Glenny Palmer · Post by **Glenny Palmer** » Mon Apr 11, 2011 9:38 am

This is really powerful Marty. Goodonyou. I don't have time to tear around with my scalpel, nor does the poem require too much of this, but 'anticipation' (of the walls) seems to fit the piece.

With...young soldiers and old will start taking their place

how do you think this sounds?

young soldiers and old will soon take up their place.........

Best of luck with this. It's a real 'hard right to the nether regions' ( most delicate way I can put it.)

Glenny

Post by **David J Delaney** » Tue Apr 12, 2011 4:57 pm

G'day Marty, this is a damn fine piece of writing mate, I reckon it'll go over a hit when you read it mate.
Also agree with Glenny's suggestion, helps the flow eh!
Well done.

Glenny Palmer · Post by **Glenny Palmer** » Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:44 am

Marty....have you been reading my mail? This is bizarre. I just read my suggestion & thought...'nah. It should be young soldiers and old will soon take up their place'.... and lo & behold that's what you crafted!

Anyhow...it's a keeper mate.

Glenny

Maureen K Clifford · Post by **Maureen K Clifford** » Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:26 am

Looks like it went over real well

Well done

http://www.crookwellgazette.com.au/news ... 37661.aspx

ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Position 9 Row B Wall 28

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