ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Hi Matt

I really like it but the layout doesn't work for me at all and I think the punctuation is a bit dodgy (sorry)


As it was set out I couldn't get any flow on to the words and that really cheesed me off because I was liking what was there. Had a fiddle and wondered if maybe this is something you might consider works better perhaps...but this is of course IMO and yours to use or lose


The Stones

A cairn was built
in a rev’rent way
by a godless man
on a joyless day,
and the blood that crept
from the bones that lay
where the stones now stood,
was his.

And he didn’t ask.
The godless don’t.
He didn’t weep.
The rev’rent won’t.
He turned, and stepped,
then paused, then kept
the beat of his lament ;
upon a path that led the way
already drawn through fates array
of dusk and dawn to where, upon
a patch of peace ordained.

The stones would fall as hob and hearth
and blood anew would love and laugh
and find and free a joy
too long restrained;
by stones that held upon the breast
that suckles, weans and calls to rest
the bones of what the flesh
must call the past.

Cheers

Maureen

I think it is brilliant Matt.

I really like the short lines and think they add emphasis to the words -
they make you stop
and think
and absorb
before you move on to the next line.

The words and layout also suit the sombre tone and subject.

Heather

I'm afraid I dissent from Marty's view that Matt's verse is stilted. It's not a ballad, bush ballads are great, I think this is not one of those. Matt's has to be read..slowly, but that is not the same as stilted I wouldn't think.

Sorry Maureen, but I think you are trying to turn it into something that it isn't.

Robert Frost, ( who I quoted in a post on Sunday.see Daily Advice ) was at great pains to explain that a skilful poet sets up a sort of tension between the " sound of sense " and the metric structure. I suggest that we as readers need to learn the skill of reading poetry, which is to make the right " tune " out of this sense and metre tension.
I'll preach yet once again... the rhythm of the pauses is just as important as the rhythm of the accents of the words. The different lengths of Matt's lines , in my view, suitably place the rhythm of the pauses for the most expressive effect. I think that making all the lines the same length would make the expression fall flat, sacrificing expressiveness for some metric "tidiness".

I can't see anything wrong with the punctuation. Only the word "anew' needs to be one word.

I read it as a lament over loss, with a hint of some hope for the future.

Very impressive Matt. Sad though.

I agree Neville. Each line needs to be read - slowly, one at at time, with thought. The way it is laid out makes you stop and think. You can see the man buillding the cairn, thoughtfully, carefully, with pain. You can see him turning and walking away, slowly, regretfully. Then the pace picks up a bit. It is very very clever.

I think Marty is probably saying the same thing but has just picked the wrong word.

Heather

Fairly typical Matt I reckon, and just as enjoyable to read as usual.

Cheers Mate.

Terry

The story is told in a very sad feeling way and is flammin good thanks Matt

bill williams the old battler

Cannot make sense of it at all sorry Matt !

Just not a style that does anything for me.

Bob

Bob, you got to get you some culture mate!

The king was in the all together !!!!


Bob

WHAT??

Remember where you are now Bob. This is the culture section!