ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

G'day all,

Here's one for the ladies. I think its ok but like I said "I don't read'em I just writ'm" lol. But seriously, I hope you can help me.

My Distant Love for you.

I sit here watching,
by this dreary windswept sea
Wishing all that could be
My desire full of you in my dreams
it's never complete so it seems;
oh my distant love for you

Heavy heart so full, now is fetching
My loneliness is troubled this soul is stretching
It seems never easy, its calling from O so far away
Thoughts of your divine, my wishes lost, seem ever stray
A heavy toll for your love I can never repay;
oh my distant love for you.

This salt ocean breeze,
gulls of white glide so high and free
I wish they could see what I see
Those white waves pound this rugged shore
Yet my heart pounds oh so much more;
oh my distant love for you.

I pray in my lonely dreams for you
calling in sweet verse of words so true
A day will come when we will be as one
Emptiness ends in joy, overflowing when it comes
A wickedness of you my temptress now becomes;
oh my distant love for you.

Silver winged angels call and grant me this gift
Your heart here now next to me as I drift
Hand in hand we look, your soft red lips, now I'm kissing
Eternity of soulful wishing now is never missing
Happiness and fullness, runs wild in both our young hearts;
oh my distant love for you, shall we never be lonely nor apart.

© By Philip Anthony

Well dunno about the ladies but that got my heart racing and knees trembling.

Some great imagery and turns of phrase, Phil . . gets the sentiments across well. Just tidy up the rhyming pattern within each stanza I reckon.

Cheers, Marty

Hi Philip - had a bit of a fiddle to try and give you some help with this to smooth it out and get a more flowing rhyme going to give you an idea. As always yours to use of lose.

The number at the beginning of each line is the syllable count so you can see there are a couple of lines that aren't quite right so you can fiddle with them but you get the general idea.

I think you will see though if you read it out aloud it is smoother than your version - but at the end of the day your poem is your poem, so this is not a criticism of it in any way. Merely a suggestion.

Cheers

Maureen

Here you go -

11 I sit beside this windswept sea just watching.
10 and in my dreams desire is incomplete
11 my love for you is distant, oh so distant.
10 It seems as if two hearts will never meet.

11 My heavy heart is full, this soul is stretching
10 yearning towards my lover far away
12 my loneliness is troubled and my wishes lost
10 A heavy toll for love I can’t repay.

11 gulls glide overhead upon the ocean breeze
10 I wish that they could see what I can see
11 white waves beat and pound upon this rugged shore
10 the gulls above continue flying free

11 My heart pounds as well with aching love for you
10 your name is in my prayers and all my dreams
12 When will that day come when we’re together again?
10 You are my distant temptress so it seems .


11 If perchance angels would offer me a gift
10 I’d beg them let the gift they gave be you,
11 for each hour of each day my thoughts to you drift.
10 I pen sweet verse of words and thoughts so true.

11 Happiness runs wild in both of our young hearts
10 its your soft red lips in my dreams I kiss
12 A day will come my love when we will be as one
10 together, putting paid to soulful wish.

11 I send a prayer for you each night in my dreams
10 hearing your heart beat faster as I drift
12 to sleep. May we never be lonely or apart
10 To you I offer this thought as my gift.

G'day Maureen,

Yeah I like what you have done. I know there is a drive for the line's to be 123 correct; but here in this its too much imbalance. For me at least. I find if you read the poem it has to flow in some rhythm. For me your version is a little bumpy, maybe that's me. As I have been corrected before, the word "distant" pops up with informal frequency. I'm not happy with it in your version. The key phrase in my version is "oh my distant love for you." which ends each stanza. That was deliberate change in verse and a key element. I may like to see a change it but for now it's there. I'm working on a new poem right now. Its giving me a huge fit. If you like I would like to email you the current draft for comment if you like?

Thanks for working at it. Look forward to email you.

PHIL

Happy to have a look at your new one Phil if you want to PM it to me

The above I just raced off in about 10 minutes so far from perfect and was only to try to set you on the path so to speak not intending it for a minute to be how you want it to be in the final draft.

Any suggestions on this site mate are just that suggestions and never put up to imply a criticism of the work anyone does - we are all on a learning curve here and you only have to trawl back through some of the old posts to see the remarkable improvements we have all made over the last couple of years with our work.

Keep em coming

Cheers

Maureen