Mmm maybe ------HW w/e 24.04.12

[Maureen K Clifford]

Rewrite - better but still not perfect

Mmm maybe


I saw myself standing on the stage
knowing all would be right on the night
my mind had remembered every word
though my hair was a terrible fright.
My stockings were twisted and binding
and my bra felt incredibly tight.
I hoped the deodorant was working
I was sweating cobbs under the light.

There were lots of other performers
who jauntily took centre stage,
recited their piece without balking
with their audience they did engage.
But me I was falling to pieces
and my mind now was completely blank,
I believe in horses for courses
so I left and went back to the bank.

I still dream of po’ing performance
and who knows? One day I just might
climb up on the stage like an old hand
but first I must conquer stage fright.
I visualize smiling faces
and can see rows of bright pearly white
dentures clacking away with laughter,
when I get on that stage to recite .


Maureen Clifford © 04/12





Mmm maybe


I had visions of standing on the stage
I knew it would be right on the night
and I had every word in the palm of my hand
though my hair was a terrible fright.
My stockings were twisted and binding
and my bra felt incredibly tight.
I just hoped the deodorant was working
I was sweating cobbs under the light.

There were other performers a plenty
who jauntily strode to the stage
recited their piece without balking
with their audience they did engage.
But me I was falling to pieces
and my mind now was completely blank,
I believe in horses for courses
so I left and went back to the bank.

But I still dream of po’ing performance
and one day perhaps I just might
venture out the front and get up on the stage
if I can only conquer stage fright.
I can visualize smiling faces
and can see rows of bright pearly white
dentures clacking away with laughter,
when I get on stage to recite .


Maureen Clifford © 04/12

[Neville Briggs]

dentures clacking

The important element of accentual verse is of course the arrangement of the accents. In most lines of your verse you have three accents per line. In the first three lines of stanza 1, I hear four accents ( or maybe 5 ), from then on there seem to be 3 accents per line until lines 3 and 4 of stanza 3 where I hear 4 accents in those lines.
Despite what some bush poets hold, I am sure it is not necessary to have the same number of accents in every line, but variation should be placed carefully to make sense of the rhythm, variation should not just look like a mistake.
Read it out loud while you stomp around the room to hear how the words fit the beats of your steps.

Very good Maureen, I sympathise with all nervous nellies, I'm the nervousest of all.

[DollyDot]

Hi Maureen & Neville

Can relate to your poem Maureen. Thanks

I was very interested in your points about accents Neville. I was wondering Maureen if you could mark in bold where you think the accents are? Maybe on some of the lines Neville mentioned. This is the bit in my brain that has not quite woken up yet.


Cheers to you both

Dot

[Maureen K Clifford]

Obviously neither had mine - it sounded OK when I wrote it and shoved it here but having marched around the room making the whole house shake and the dogs look at me somewhat strangely, it would appear to be a bit of a dogs breakfast - but all good fun.

Might have to go and fiddle with it - more haste less speed - an old adage that holds true.

[DollyDot]

Maureen Luv it! Could you get someone to video please? It would be fun to see you stomping and saying, stomping and saying etc. I'll do it somewhere away from my old man as he already thinks I'm nuts and this may just make him want to lock me away!

Marty. Lost! That's me! But it is a good poem... and what will his mother say

Dot