Homework: Politically Correct C. J. Dennis

[David Campbell]

This isn't homework as it was written last year, and was posted in October, but I thought it worth putting up again to celebrate the great C. J. Dennis, who was well-known for his innovative use of the Australian vernacular, particularly in the Sentimental Bloke poems. This sorts him out!

The Politically Correct Songs of a Sentimental Bloke

© David Campbell, 2013

I have to rewrite Dennis to make the Bloke PC,
for bureaucratic bosses have said there cannot be
grammatical distortions that make our language seem
like something from a nightmare, a crazy, twisted dream.

“We cannot let our children,” the language experts say,
“think words can be invented, like games that we might play.
Instead they should be learning, while in our nation’s schools,
that English has its standards, and they must follow rules!

For Dennis was a menace who wrote a lot of stuff
that, for an English student, just wasn’t good enough!
He set a bad example, he was a big mistake,
and nothing like a Wordsworth, a Byron or a Blake!”

So now it’s my intention to sanitise his verse,
to clean up all the nonsense, for there is nothing worse
than strange phonetic spelling, odd nouns that don’t make sense,
and verbs that aren’t quite matching the past or present tense.

So wimmin will be banished, and sez and wus and wot,
I’m getting rid of poit, and natchril sure is not.
I won’t put up with fucher, bong tong, or yesterdee,
and muvver is forbidden, along with balkiney.

You’ll hear no more of glarsey or gittin’ on the shick,
while redheads are offended by names like Ginger Mick.
I’m cutting out the ribuck, gazob, and words like phiz,
and as for things like guyver…well, who knows what that is?

The aspirate’s returning, the ‘aitch’ is going back
to ’as and ’ere and ’appy, for dropping it is slack,
and says your education has not been as it should,
so, though you may be tempted, it’s for the greater good!

I’m putting back the letters that Dennis did without,
so our pronunciation will leave no room for doubt.
The ‘g’ will be inserted where it’s gone by the board…
in puttin’, feelin’, comin’, the ‘g’ can’t be ignored!

He’s far too fond of flamin’, and stoushin’ has to go;
we can’t encourage fighting, which means that Romeo
will have to stop his swordplay and leave sweet Juliet…
that story would be better if they had never met!

I can’t be sentimental about the famous Bloke,
so, though his use of language might be the way they spoke,
I have to fix The Intro, The Kid, The Stoush o’ Day,
The Mooch o’ Life, A Spring Song, The Siren and The Play.

I’ll tidy up the metre to make it flow along
much better than poor CJ, who often got it wrong.
My rhymes will be quite perfect, I’ll pass the spelling test,
and when it comes to grammar, you’ll find that I’m the best.

I’m sure that I’ll be famous, I’ll get my name in lights,
for I will be the poet who set old Den to rights,
who made sure that his verses all well and truly sing,
and when I’m in Toolangi they’ll treat me like a king!

[Maureen K Clifford]

Excellent David and thank you for sharing it - I'm sharing it even further now via our FB page