Homework 25/9/2014

[Bob Pacey]

New Fangled Gadgets


I brought a computer it comes with a mouse
I said I don't need one there is some in the house.
You need it to goggle the young salesman said
I think he's all messed up not right in the head.

He said I'd need more ram or the programme would creep
I told him I run Charbray's and don't want no sheep.
I went to this field trip with all the other chaps
the said to chuck my horse and get Goggle maps ?

It's so con- bloody- fusing it's so hard to survive
I need Trend Micro security to protect the hard drive.
Look out for cookies as they will just cause you strife
I've got enough trouble with my flaming wife.

Every time I write something it looks like I'll win
but it disappears quickly to the recycle bin.
There's ports that aren't bags and some sites are a risk
and a hard thing like a cassette that's a " Floppy Disc " ?

So I've packed it all up and sent it all back
Hopped on my horse and headed out on the track.
Out here in the bush mate you're put to the test
and you'll quickly find out that the old ways are best.

Bob Pacey (C)

[Neville Briggs]

Good effort Bob. This is a workshop so I am going to put up a version for your contemplation.

The first stanza sounds the usual formal metre, the second stanza sounds different.
If you did the second like this;

He said; need more ram or the program would creep,
I said I run Charbray's and don't need no sheep.
I went on this field trip with some other chaps,
they said chuck my horse and go get Goggle maps.


What do you think . Doesn't that follow the rhythm of the first stanza. I always compare. When I write several stanzas, I always read out loud each stanza and see if it fits the rhythm of first ( even if I have something different in mind ).

It's a good fun piece, worth persevering to get it going smoothly.

[Heather]

I agree Bob. It's a fun poem. The first thing that struck me was "some" in the house. Why not "one" in the house - it would flow better. Worth working on I reckon.

Heather

[Bob Pacey]

As always I do the homework copy quickly and then usually work on them if I think they have potential which I'm doing with this. I have already made some changes.

Bob

[Neville Briggs]

Fair enough.