Homework we 15/08/11 #2

[Wendy Seddon]

She saw him on the train from Brisbane town to Yarraman
she’d never felt so doleful as from loneliness she ran.
Her plans to ‘hit the city’, in exuberant delight,
all crumbled as her bubble burst one misty, moonless night.

The train began to rattle in a rhythmic lullaby,
her body cried “I’m tired”, all her heart could scream was “Why?”
She saw him sitting sadly with his head sunk in his hands
she still remembered fleeing from his stringent, tough demands.

He didn’t look to her now as he did a year ago,
his brow now wore a furrow and his hair was white as snow.
She knew she was the reason for the anguish in his eyes,
the smoke belched from the engine and the steam echoed her sighs.

He’d made this trip a hundred times with hope etched in his heart,
his crime was just to love too much, his pain stung like a dart.
She touched him with a nervous hand, no more the urge to roam,
and said “Hey there, it’s only me. Daddy, let’s go home.”

[Maureen K Clifford]

As I was reading this I was getting the picture of an old bloke worn down with the responsibilities of family and pretty well at a low ebb in his life as everything that had gone before seemed to be hopeless and unresolved. With that in mind I wondered if perhaps this might work as I found the last line jarred a bit with me - didn't seem to have the punch required, but that is of course just my take on it.




He’d made this trip a hundred times with hope etched in his heart,
his crime was just to love too much, his pain stung like a dart.
She touched him with a nervous hand, no more the urge to roam,
and said “ I promise Dad no more to run away from home”


Cheers

Maureen

[Wendy Seddon]

Hi Maureen,

Thanks for that - I'll think on it, maybe I haven't quite got my idea across clearly.
Thanks also for the word urge. I've used it - just couldn't think of it at the time.

Wen

[Terry]

Hi Wen,
Great story and very well written.
As Maureen has given you a suggestion, I'll just add that the last line of the poem is a touch out of rhythm, but can easily be fixed by just adding one word, if you want to keep more or less to how you have written it.

'and said "Hey there it's only me. so daddy lets go home" '

You could use any number of words, Just a thought.

Terry

[mummsie]

Another good one from the prompts, enjoyed the read.
Sue

[Bob Pacey]

Gidday Wen I thought a great theme and felt as well that
the last line sort of jars i thought something like.


And whispered Dad I love you ,come on now lets go home.


Just thoughts and yours to use or disgard as you see fit.


Bob

[Neville Briggs]

Good to see you joining in Wendy.

[Wendy Seddon]

...And whispered Dad I love you ,come on now lets go home.

Bob, I love this. So comforting and gentle. Makes a lovely ending.
Thanks to all for your comments, very encouraging.

Wen

[Bob Pacey]

Wendy that's cause I'm a loving gentle bloke, who likes rum.

Great combination for a poet especially late at nigt. Heather will tell you I change things then can not remember I did it but don't believe her.



Bob

[Maureen K Clifford]

Lots of good suggestions there Wen - agree that Bobs is a gentle touch

Cheers

Maureen