Homework w/e 15.08.11 PRECIOUS AMBER

[Maureen K Clifford]

Precious Amber



He rides a bush bred yarraman a fleet and nimble beast
with his mane short cropped and long tail docked – a travesty at least
of the proud and noble brumby that once galloped ‘cross the plains.
Of that handsome beast now sadly there is little that remains.
He had foundered on an outback run, this bloke saw him go down.
The owner said a bullet now would save a trip to town.
Not worth spending a dollar just to call the local vet.
The old nag was past his use by date. Dog meat now his best bet.

But Jack the bloke who owns him now saw courage in the horse
and knew good Waler genes through this equines veins did course;
and he recalled Grandpa’s story of that fast and fateful ride
at Beersheba and he well recalled the tears Gramps tried to hide.
When he told the story of his horse called Amber – beads of sweat
would break out on his forehead he had not forgotten yet
to this day, the day of reckoning for horses and for men.
They’d beaten the Turks, but those Walers would not see home again.


He recalled taking the chestnut head. Caressing velvet ears
as a muzzle soft came questing round his face licking the tears
that were falling from his eyes as broken heart bid sad farewell
to a mate, a friend , a soldier. One who had served this bloke well.
He knew he couldn’t take him home to Biloela’s plains
where he was birthed and in his heart he felt the tearing pain,
unyielding, unrelenting – but he raised and fired the gun
and he watched life drain from amber eyes beneath a setting sun.

So young Jack who was his Grandson in his own way made amends
by saving this old Waler …they were now the best of friends.
He felt it was his Karma to nurse it back to health
a debt of honour he must pay – a debt not tied to wealth.
He thought he heard his Grandpa's voice saying – this blokes a trier
give him a go , their blood line’s linked, Ambers colt was his sire.
As the fire burnt down to ashes and night time dark turned deeper
he said ‘Gramps we’re calling this one – Ambergris, and he’s a keeper.



Maureen Clifford ©

And if you can bear to watch it and listen to it this song by Eric Bogle - It's as if he knows.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXXWFbPjgmc

[Maureen K Clifford]

Thank you Marty - happy you like it.

[mummsie]

I'm in awe of the way you write Maureen, you are one talented lady.
Thanks for the warning, that song is heart wrenching, but so true.


Sue

[Neville Briggs]

Good on you Maureen.

Watch out for the rearranging of syntax to achieve the rhyming words, these some traps in that.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Thank you Sue - that is very kind, and yes that video clip breaks my heart everytime I watch it - one of the reasons I so want to see our dogs of war bought home from Afghanistan - every last one of them

Neville not being deliberately obtuse but the finer points of English were not my strong suit - could you show me please where that is and suggestion as to how to improve it. Is that when I put words back to front??? Is that also called inversion???? I know I am very guilty of doing that but believe it or not I actually do speak like that sometimes which is probably why I never notice it.

Cheers

Maureen

[Terry]

Hi Maureen,

That is so sad isn't it, after going through hell for their owners and their country they had to be shot, must have been hard on their owners.

Good story Maureen, told with your usual Flair.

Terry

[Leonie]

Another good one Maureen, sad though it is. Umhh, talking about things being out of syntax, that sentence could be an example, should probably be 'though it is sad'. I think that is the kind of thing that Neville is talking about and it can be a trap. Using 'did' to force the rhyme is one that I see a lot of. For instance if you were talking about setting the table for dinner. You wouldn't say "the table I did set" but I see that sort of sentence all the time in poetry. In normal speech you would say "I set the table". I think that is the sort of thing Neville is alluding to, but I could be wrong. We will have to wait for him to clarify.

Back to the story of the poem. I always feel for the animals caught up in any conflict. They certainly don't choose to be there. At least the humans have some choice in the matter, even though they might feel like they don't.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Sad though that is is exactly what I would say Leonie - I think this is where I come undone - I don't tork propa either but will be interested in Neville s take on it or anybody else's because this could be what makes a difference perhaps with my work.

OK got rid of did - Did I? - I did - did you like it?

[Neville Briggs]

That's right Maureen, what Leonie said.

In my reading I have discovered that the most effective way to write English ( in simple terms ) is subject-verb-object. That applies to poetry as well as prose. I am NOT saying the only unvariable way. That's one advantage the free form writers have, they can stick to the standard syntax more easily because they can invent their own metric structure and they don't need rhyming words at the end of lines.

In the following lines you have kept the subject-verb-object.

he rides a bush bred yarraman
this bloke saw him go down
he well recalled the tears
the tears that were falling from his eyes
Amber's colt was his sire.
the fire burnt down to ashes.

in the following lines you have put the object in front of the verb when you rearranged the syntax ( word order ) (I am assuming to get the rhyming word or metre).


through his veins good genes did course ( good genes coursed through his veins )
Grandfather did once a Waler ride ( Grandfather once rode a Waler)



Would you agree that the first list and the sentences in brackets are much stronger and active.?
I have found that some of the experts can disagree severely on suitability of some word orders; so as far as I know these things are not engraved in steel as immutable laws, you can use the word order however you wish I suppose, but when I have changed to the more active subject-verb-object I think that I have improved the expression.

Sorry to be a didactic pain , Maureen It's just a discovery I have made in the how-to-write books and I think it is worth the consideration of our poetry writers. In any case there's only a couple of lines in yours that might be revised, everything else looks fine.
I'll behave now. For a while.

[Maureen K Clifford]

You are not a pain Neville that is exactly what I wanted to know and to see it put down like that I understand it. I will go and have another look at this poem now and see if I can improve on it. Thank you for your always generous help Mate - it is appreciated.

Cheers

Maureen