ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

CHOCOLATE TO DIE FOR

She made brownies to die for – rich with chocolate and sweet
then offered up the goodies to two young boys on her street.

She’d made a batch of brownies and sadistically placed
the one extra ingredient that made the brownies taste
quite different and unusual, her recipe not a hit.
She tried to make the young boys eat. They were not having it.

Tales of Hansel and Gretel had a quite similar theme -
innocent children far from home and one mean wicked Queen.
She’s on the road to ruin and you try to understand her
mind set, was she thinking of getting away with murder.

Seems she is out of focus with a mindset quite bizarre
now charged with murderous intent and time spent behind bars.
Poison’s the cruellest death of all at very least it maims.
How cruel to add to brownies - caustic chemicals for drains.

This is a test put to the courts – it will require travail
to reach the right solution and see justice does prevail.

Maureen Clifford © 10/12

That was a bizarre happening Maureen. I saw that in the news items.

Sorry to be a pain, especially since I haven't had a go yet .
I'm not trying to be a pretentious expert, I just talk about things that I have heard from others more experienced than me. I mean to be constructive.

The last two lines seem like a p.s. explanation to me. Do you think that they are really necessary. Do poems always need to be neatly finished off ? I guess the writer decides when it's finished off.

The understanding that I think have, is that poetry often works better when there is suggestion rather than straightforward statements of fact ( maybe sometimes not ) . What I mean is, how do you think you might be able to make this poem have more sinister impact in keeping with its creepy theme ? What if you left out the words "she" and accompanying verbs. Something like

Brownies to die for -rich with chocolate and sweet.
Offered up as goodies for the boys up the street.
But one extra ingredient, maybe misplaced,
Eat up boys; don't notice the unusual taste.

and so on......somehow ??

Only later maybe you could introduce in a subtle way that this is the action of some malicious " witch "

I usually don't like to rearrange some one else's words but it's the only way I thought I could give the idea of what I meant here. Apologies Maureen .

What do you think ? Just suggestions.

Again I emphasise I am not parading myself as an expert. My motive is to encourage people by passing on what I think I have managed to learn. And I have plenty more to learn.
Anyway, you don't need to take any notice at all or act on my suggestions.
As Bob Pacey said " use it or lose it " up to you.

It a unique theme and worth using as a poem I reckon, good thinking Maureen.

Thanks Neville I have taken your suggestion on board and had another shot at it now posted in the Members Poetry section. Not sure if I have quite understood your brief though - so please tell me. I am always open for suggestions and never mind at all someone having a fiddle with my work - it is the only way we learn I appreciate your help

Cheers

Maureen