ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Jim

"What brings you out this way old mate" the farmer asked of Jim
and with those words acknowledged him, his hand placed to the brim
of an old dusty red Akubra, that had seen much better days
The hat then pulled back down in place to shield the midday rays.

The Stock and Station Agent was no stranger to the land
he'd worked for Elders many years and often gave a hand
with the development of feedlots, helping farmers through the drought.
As agents went he was the best, of that there was no doubt.

He hailed from out near Alice Springs where road trains were his life
but soon discovered dirt and dust was no life for a wife
who had been born and bred upon the land, a country girl at heart.
They sold the Rig and moved back East to make a brand new start.

Soon friendships formed and Jim took on the Livestock Agency
and through the years his knowledge grew, to one of such degree
that he was sought by experts in his field of which he was on par
His name was known throughout the land in districts near and far.

But locally he lived and worked as any normal bloke
played two up where on Anzac Day, he'd sit around and joke
and place a bet or two with army mates, no harm was ever done.
His old dodge truck and dog in hand, his mateship worth a ton.

Good one Sue.

All good fun Neville.

WHOO HOO - I love it Sue - that is excellent - a couple of little glitches but hey that's no big deal. I tweaked for you, but yours to use or lose - reckon you could expand this story a bit if you were of a mind to do so just take it on to the next level. Well done.



"What brings you out this way old mate" the farmer asked of Jim
and with those words acknowledged him, his hand placed to the brim
of his dusty Akubra, that had seen much better days
The hat then pulled back down in place to shield the middays rays.

The Stock and Station Agent was no stranger to the land
he'd worked for Elders many years and often gave a hand
with developing feedlots, helping farmers through the drought.
As agents went he was the best, of that there was no doubt.

He hailed from out near Alice Springs where road trains were his life
but soon discovered dirt and dust was no life for a wife
who had been bred upon the land, a country girl at heart.
They sold the Rig and moved back East to make a brand new start.

Soon friendships formed and Jim took on the Livestock Agency
and through the years his knowledge grew, to one of such degree
that experts in his field sought his advice which was on par.
His name was known throughout the land in districts near and far.

But locally he lived and worked as any normal bloke
played two up when on Anzac Day, he'd sit around and joke
and place a bet or two with army mates, no harm was done.
His old dodge truck and dog in hand, his mateship worth a ton.

Thanks for that Maureen.
I'm gathering the glitch you refer to is the 14,14,16,14 syllable pattern. I always thought providing the writer kept the same pattern throughout the poem it was perfectly acceptable. Someone may like to correct me on this. Glenny? David?
Cheers
Sue

G'day Sue

The opening stanza suggests more of a story than what you have given here – you have done a good job of describing Jim though.

One of the problems of counting syllables to set the metre of the poem is that the stresses can be placed in the wrong places. With that in mind, you can also end up with too few or too many stressed syllables in a line.

I would avoid using 16 syllables in every third line in this poem – the metre in the opening part of the line is out in a couple of cases. I would cut these lines back to either 14 or 15 syllables (allowing for an additional unstressed syllable on some of these lines). Count the syllables in the lines of ‘The Man from Snowy River’ as an example. You will find that the ‘a’ lines have either 14 or 15 syllables and the ‘b’ lines have 10 or 11. The stressed syllable count stays consistent throughout – 7 in the ‘a’ lines, 5 in the ‘b’ lines. The stressed syllable count is what needs to be consistent. If you are going to vary the unstressed syllable count of a line, a single unstressed syllable is normally added or removed at the beginning or the end of a line. It can be done in other parts of a line, but you need a strong command of knowing the difference between strong and weak syllables.

If you are going to write a poem where you have a line of a different length to the others, in my experience (and from other poems that I have seen), a shorter line than the main lines tends to work better than a longer one. If you can follow CJ Dennis’s ‘The Bloke’ poems, you will notice this.

I have placed comments on lines in brackets and suggestions in italics.

Regards


John

Jim

"What brings you out this way old mate" the farmer asked of Jim
and with those words acknowledged him, his hand placed to the brim
of an old dusty red Akubra, that had seen much better days (the metre needs work here – for the metre to work, ‘an’ would need a stronger stress than ‘old’ – I tend to want to stress ‘old’ more than ‘an’)
of a dusty red Akubra that had seen much better days
The hat then pulled back down in place to shield the midday rays.

The Stock and Station Agent was no stranger to the land
he'd worked for Elders many years and often gave a hand
with the development of feedlots, helping farmers through the drought. (the first ‘the’ in the line would need to be stressed to fit the metre – it would not normally be stressed in this case, otherwise the metre is fine)
developing the feedlots, helping farmers through the drought.
As agents went he was the best, of that there was no doubt. (maybe consider a revision here, the repetition of the word ‘was’ is a bit of a snag, the inversion of phrases doesn’t help either)
As agents went, he was the best, without the slightest doubt.

He hailed from out near Alice Springs where road trains were his life
but soon discovered dirt and dust was no life for a wife (life is the snag here, it needs to be stressed differently to what it is in the previous line and the repetition doesn’t quite work for me)
but soon discovered dirt and dust were terrors for a wife
who had been born and bred upon the land, a country girl at heart.
that was born and bred upon the land, a country girl at heart.
They sold the Rig and moved back East to make a brand new start.

Soon friendships formed and Jim took on the Livestock Agency
and through the years his knowledge grew, to one of such degree
that he was sought by experts in his field of which he was on par (metre is OK but the wording is poor – maybe a different choice of rhyming words needs to be made here)
the experts sought advice from him – this man without a peer.
His name was known throughout the land in districts near and far.
His name was known throughout the land in districts far and near.

But locally he lived and worked as any normal bloke (phrase inversion here, you would say, “he lived and worked locally,” in normal conversation. Locally to where?)
He lived and worked in his home town like any normal bloke
played two up where on Anzac Day, he'd sit around and joke
played two up on each Anzac Day, would sit around and joke
and place a bet or two with army mates, no harm was ever done.
and place a bet with army mates, no harm was ever done.
His old dodge truck and dog in hand, his mateship worth a ton.

John-you are a champion. Thank you for the trouble you have taken to point out the problems with metre here.
For those of you who, like me, struggle with these issues, here is a wonderful example, clearly explained(I think) and is a valuable lesson in the writing workshop.
By allowing our work to be openly "analysed" is for the good of all. I hope this has been of help to some of you.
Thank you again John.(must be time you came for dinner again)
Cheers
Sue

A pleasure Sue

Regards


John

Hey Sue, I reckon your poem has potential to be expanded. This probably happens a fair bit with Maureen's homework poems...we throw something together to be involved (and to honour her enduring support of us all)...and then...boomfa!...we realise that we have the bones of a viable work that we otherwise may never have crafted. Good stuff, eh? Anyway....to my mind you have started us off by establishing a 'relationship' with Jim...so tell us more of his story? Just a thought.
Peely has done a bonza job for you here...and that takes quite some time to do, so Goodonya Peely too! That not only helps Sue, but all of us. If I may, I just point out one thing...''that was born and bred upon the land, a country girl at heart.'' When referring to a person I would think ''who'' is the right way to go?

Anyway...goodo, and goodonyouseall.
xx Glenny