It's that time of year again,

[Bob Pacey]

Not looking forward to this again !!!!!

The Colonoscopy

Now I've been around the world a bit
I've had my share of strife.
Yeah anyway you look at it
I've led a pretty varied life.

I've faced my fears when duty called
cause I never quit you see
but if you want to see what fear is
just mention " Colonoscopy ".

See I did that test for bowel cancer
cause mate I aint no fool
and my doctor sent me to the surgeon
cause blood showed in my stool.

I sat there in his office
he seemed professional and kind.
But I started squirming in my seat
when he mentioned my behind.

This tube is fitted with a camera
there is not much for you to fear.
I though mate you can bloody talk
its not going up your rear.

They gave me some instructions
at least that's what I think
and Pricopep in two clear bags
that I would have to drink.

The third bag it was twice the size
Glycoprep to make you scour.
You mix it up with water
and have drink it in an hour.

I had to fast for near twelve hours
which would be a massive feat.
Cause there's not a lot I'm good at
but mate I sure can bloody eat.

I had to wait till Sunday evening
so I got stuck into the beer.
Then pigged out on everything I could
as the cut off time drew near.

Low residue the diet said
and they weren't bloody wrong.
It was easier to eat nothing
cause the list was not so long.

The day before I really knuckled down
now clear fluids are the go.
I scanned the list for fourex gold
but it didn't get a show.

I took my first dose of Picoprep
some where round one or two
and within half a bloody hour
I was sitting on the loo.

Take my tip mate, when you drink it
get to the toilet bloody fast.
They said it was a laxative
but it was like a nuclear blast.

A loose and watery bowel movement
that's what the packet said I think.
I started spurting violently
and mate, oh what a stink.

Have you ever watched a rocket ship
as it blasted for the stars.
If I hadn't grabbed the toilet seat
I'd have ended up on Mars.

Now this stuff that they called Glycoprep
you drink a litre in an hour.
It tastes something like camel spit
and its face contorting bloody sour.

I thought I must be empty now
cause my rear was overheating.
I'm sure I voided heaps of stuff
I can't remember eating.

The next day at the hospital
I signed a heap of forms and more.
I can't remember what they said
I was just thinking, "what's in store?.

They took me to this cubicle
the nurse was so refined.
Then I put these paper pants on
that barely covered my behind.

They wheeled me into surgery
doctor and nurse were standing ready.
They hooked this tube into my arm
I'm thinking steady, Bob mate steady.

The time had come no turning back
if your squeamish hold your lid.
These are the explicit details
of exactly what they did.

Can't tell ya mate, cause I don't know
despite all my doom and gloom.
I remember talking to them
then waking up back in that room.

They could have done just anything
the nurse patted my hand.
It's over now she whispered
as I came back from Disneyland.

A cup of tea and bickies
with milk or even cream.
I don't get this at home ya know
its gotta be a dream.

They took a polyp from my colon
which they hooked out with a snare.
Then they gave me pictures of my bowel
and I can claim on Medicare.

Well that was it, all over
Pathology said the test was fine.
what was I concerned about
my body is a shrine.

But now they sent me out a notice
which caused twitching in my rear.
Just to make sure there's no problems
I've got to do it all again next year.

Bob Pacey ( C )