MICKEY FINN

[Maureen K Clifford]

MICKEY FINN



She woke to sunlight bright and stark
and in her head a dreadful ache
the price for partying till dark
she realized ‘twas her first mistake.

And in her head a dreadful ache
her mouth felt like a cocky’s cage,
she realized ‘twas her first mistake.
Such fun to drink and smoke and rage.

Her mouth felt like a cocky’s cage
defiled and unclean that’s for sure.
Such fun to drink and smoke and rage
disregarding warnings obscure.

Defiled and unclean that’s for sure
her memories were vague and dim.
Disregarding warnings obscure
had she been slipped a Mickey Finn?

Her memories were vague and dim.
Who was that bloke, that face she saw?
Had she been slipped a Mickey Finn?
She’d drunk the drink. Had there been more?

Who was that bloke? That face she saw.
Why was she naked in the park?
She’d drunk the drink. Had there been more?
She woke to sunlight bright and stark.


Maureen Clifford © 10/11

[Stephen Whiteside]

No, I don't think there would have been any more, Maureen.

[Kym]

Yes, it's a dreadful situation some girls get themselves into, but young people will be young people, and just really honestly don't think that sort of thing will happen to them. Until it's too late ...

We encouraged our girls to not go to places where they were vulnerable to this sort of thing. Frank told them "if you hang around the swamp, you'll get bit by mosquitos" or "if you swim in the sea, watch out for the sharks". Nothing dreadful ever happened to them, thankfully!

[Maureen K Clifford]

Neville's Pantoum reminded me of this one - we started doing a few of these different types of poems last year, maybe with the slowness of submissions on the site at the moment now would be a good time for us to explore them again and take up the challenge. They are an interesting exercise.

[Neville Briggs]

very good Maureen. Well done.
I'll get into trouble here but I think that in a pantoum, line 2 in the last stanza should be line 3 from the first stanza ( the price for partying in the park ). Though I reckon these things aren't set in stone and a bit of tweaking of the form is not a crime. Is it

Loved it Maureen. You've managed to paint the picture in a lively and vivid way, and you have created an interesting poetic structure as well. Fantastic.

[Zondrae]

Oh well done Maureen,

You have made a stirling effort at this difficult form of poem. I have not tried it yet but I might if I ever get a spare day. Maybe in the bus on the way to the Snow in a few weeks would be good.

Can I make the observation that ( the syllable count seems to be my cross to carry) in the final line of the first stanza; the word 'twas' is not required and - counting 'realized' as three - knocks the count out.
and, 'she realized her first mistake', still makes sense. What do you think?

Regarding the poem in total, I think it is, as I said, a stirling effort! Don't think I can do it. First I have to think of a topic. I'm lacking in ideas these days. Maybe I've hit the wall and will give in to Leonie's thought that all the stories have been told.

[Neville Briggs]

Zondrae. What have I said a few times, poems are made from words not ideas, smack, smack on the knuckles.
Remember, the pantoum ( or any poem for that matter ) is not a narrative first, it's a word "game" first of all. Once you have written the first quatrain of four lines in iambic metre, abab rhyme and lines can be of any length, then you go from there. It took me about a week to think out the first quatrain in mine
'ave a go ya mug

[Neville Briggs]

[ you also have the opportunity to tell a previously told story in a better way .

That's it Marty. Right on. It's not about the stories so much as about how you tell them.
Poets are still writing poems about, love, tragic death, heroism, metaphysics, faith, injustice, attachment to the land, family etc, these are old old stories.