ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

The other night, Malcolm and I had to do an hour of poetry for a Toastmaster Christmas Dinner. We were hoping Santa would stop by, but unfortunately, he's been having a spot of bother lately. Mrs Claus was very flustered when she arrived in his place and explained his absence ...

(Ignore the fact that some of the stanzas are only 2 lines instead of 4 - I've taken bits and pieces out, but it doesn't affect the storyline when the poem is being performed)

Mrs Claus’ Poem
by Kym Eitel

‘Twas the night before Christmas … when Santa Claus snapped.
All the toys were not finished and the presents not wrapped.
He swore at the elves and he flopped on the couch.
I’ve never seen Santa be such an old grouch.

He’s getting too old now to cope with the stress.
The red tape and bookwork these days is a mess.

The elves went on strike, they demanded more pay,
and so Santa Claus sacked ‘em and said “go away”.
Well, that’s not the language he actually used,
so the elves filed a law suit for being abused.

Then the elves (rotten sods) stole the Naughty/Nice List
the day they all got their small jocks in a twist.
So now we’ve no record of, if you’ve been good,
or if you’ve been bad … or just misunderstood.

And the reindeer - well! Blitzen is smart-mouthed and stupid,
and Donder got randy and ran off with Cupid.
And Vixen, the tart, well she paired up with Comet,
got drunk at the night club and made Comet vomit.

Then Dasher turned gay and he shacked up with Prancer
and you won’t even recognise sweet little Dancer.
He dresses in black and he spikes up his hair.
He started a rock band called “Devils Don’t Care”.

Just looking at Dancer makes Santa Claus heave,
and now Vixen’s applied for maternity leave.

We’re tired of lying about Rudolph’s nose,
the reason it’s swollen and red, why it glows.
Rudie gets on the booze. Chugs down whisky and rum.
That’s the nose of an alco. He’s just a drunk bum.

And trying to please little kids nowadays!
See, Santa’s still stuck in his old fashioned ways
but wagons and dollies and kites, balls and yo-yo’s
are things of the past now, they’re olden day no-no’s.

Kids now expect ipods, a fancy computer,
a hover board, jet ski or motorised scooter.
He just can’t compete with the cheap stuff from China.
He tried using ebay, but it gave him angina.

And kids in the malls when they sit on his lap!
They’re just so darned rude, they could do with a slap.
I know what he’s thinking …. “you rude little bugger,
you’ll end up a jailbird, politician or mugger”.

But don’t get me wrong though, some children are kind,
but polite ones with manners are quite hard to find.

When shy kids just whisper - his ear, Santa cups,
so I yell to him, “Santa, turn your hearing aid up!”
He gets vertigo flying the sleigh through the trees
and fitting down chimneys these days is a squeeze!

It was all just too much, he could not rise above it.
His temper just flared, then, “The world can just shove it!”
And so Santa Claus snapped. Yes, he cracked. Spat the dummy,
but his falsies flew too, so he yelled and raged gummy.

“I’m quitting this job, and I’m leaving North Pole.
I’ll sit on my backside and live on the dole.
I’ll chuck all the toys away, Christmas Day’s canned.
I’m goin’ to the beach and I’m gunna get tanned.”

The door bell then chimed as a young angel sought him.
She dragged a small pine tree - a present she’d brought him.
Her timing was woeful, it could’nve been worse,
old Santa was fuming, his attitude terse.

“A gift for you Santa,” she smiled full of glee,
“and where would you like me to put this nice tree?”
And now, where the tinsel a-glitters and flickers,
you'll see a shocked angel ... with a tree up her knickers!

Love the spin on the joke Kym this is hilarious and I can well imagine a combined room to Toastmasters rolling on the floor LTAO Very very clever. Love it, lovey

You have a wonderful Christmas mate with your littlies both the 2 and 4 legged variety

Cheers

Maureen and the girls

Very funny, Kym. I love the line about being simply 'misunderstood'. Very clever.

There's an old show-biz saying. "It all will be right
When the curtain goes up for the show on the night."
And Santa's in show-biz. He ain't an exception.
Here is the tale, then, of his resurrection.

The elves and the reindeer were no help, that's true,
And Santa had quite a conundrum to chew.
At last his eyes lit and he warmed to the chore
With a lightness of heart that he'd not felt before.

"Can't tell the kids that are good from the bad?
You know, that's a blessing. I truly am glad,
For no kids are bad, and if they're not nice,
They're only the scapegoats. They're paying the price

"For parents that don't show them kindness and love.
That's why I'm here to drop gifts from above.
But this year I can't, as we already know,
So I'll just have to do the same thing from below.

"They're mostly on email or Facebook or Twitter.
That crumpled-up wrapping makes unsightly litter.
It's e-presents this year for each girl and boy.
I can do the whole job from my home. What a joy!"

And so it transpired. There were those that maintained
It was dull. Such folks' minds, they are deeply ingrained
With the old ways. They don't see the magic of new.
It sure lifted Santa Claus out of a stew.

No chimneys were broken, no roof-tiles were cracked,
No elves were exploited, no reindeer attacked
By sweet little pit-bulls patrolling by night,
Their owners tucked snug in their beds, out of sight.

They were right, those old-stagers from so long ago.
When time comes for Christmas, you can't stop the show.
And as for the reindeer, and as for the elves,
They can jolly well push off and suit their sweet selves!

Thanks Maureen and Stephen. Yes, the TMs thought it was great. I was dressed up as Mrs Claus and as Malcolm was looking at his watch saying Santa should've been here by now, I burst in all hysterical blubbering about Santa being away at the beach and the elves quitting and the reindeer wouldn't do a thing I said and I can't do everything by myself, wah wah wah, blowing my nose in a fistful of tissues (very theatrical I must say) ... and all the TM were wide-eyed with surprise, then Malcolm "calmed me down" and I explained in a more rational way (went into the poem).

And yes, this version ended with the standard angel joke, but the TM version went on a bit more about TM and Malcolm bringing gifts etc.

Glad you enjoyed it though.

Have a happy and safe Christmas everyone!!!

Hahaha Stephen, very good! And you're right about kids not being nice because parents aren't showing enough love. Some of the parenting skills I've seen lately are appalling - I wish I could help the poor kids. It's not their fault their parents are ferals, and sadly, but surely, the kids will end up the same way.

Anyway, let's keep the thread happy and Santery hey ...

merry christmas to all
and I bring you good cheer
Hope you get lots of pressies
and drink lots of beer
not to worry to much
if your left on the shelve
Give us more of you humor
in two thousand and twelve.

Good one Noel!

Great poem Kym - just the laugh I needed! Wish I could be on that beach right now enjoying the cool water.

Heather

Merry Christmas Kym,

We are headed to our daughters for Christmas lunch so no fuss here in my house. I'm the 'pudding' bringer. (easy peesy) In fact I don't think the 'kids' have been here since I put the tree up. Sad really - what with everyone working and all the littlies are either in school or pre-school. And I didn't even get many 'baby-sitting' jobs as the two girls managed to sit for each other over the party season.

Now to the poem - it appeared to me that the poem had been cut short. That is, the ending was not complete. As though you had left off a stanza or two. Stephen must have felt the same as he wrote a 'tag'. But I did have a lovely chuckle. Thanks for that.