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[David J Delaney]

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[David J Delaney]

I have come back & done some changes to this, & I'm quite happy with it now, thanks as well for the suggestions I received.

[Neville Briggs]

G'day Dave,

It seems to be going fairly well. In my reading and in my efforts to learn from authorities on poetry I have been told that suggestion makes a more powerful poetic image than obvious spelling out.

It's hard, some things need to be stated matter of fact and some things should be hinted at. The trick is knowing which is which.

For example lines 1 to 3 are perfect, line 4 maybe could be explained more subtly by suggestion.
Same in stanzas 4. 5 and 6 . Can you think of a way to show what his dreams are without actrually saying directly what they are and why he dreams that way. If you leave the reader/listener with something to figure out, I think it has more impact.

Of course, as always. I could be wrong

It's a good one, worth working on I think

Neville.

[David J Delaney]

G'day Neville, thanks for the comments/suggestions, I'll have another look at it, though I thought I was not 'giving it all away' but enough so the reader had to think for themselves.

Dave.

[Heather]

Dave I think it is great and I read it out loud and it reads beautifully.


Heather

[David J Delaney]

Thanks Heather, I will look at this again, maybe add a few more lines.

[william williams]

Dave thank you very very much for the memories that you have bought back to me you would be surprised just how close to truth that is
thanks once again

Bill the old Battler

[David J Delaney]

Thank you Bill, I am still amazed at how my humble words touch so many.

Again thank you mate.