It's bloody 'ard ter be a bloke

[David Campbell]

It's bloody 'ard ter be a bloke...

It's bloody 'ard ter be a bloke
in this 'ere day an' age...
no matter wot yer say or do
yer rattle someone's cage.
Take my Doreen, me one true love,
she ain't no femernist,
but flamin' 'ell she's got me tossed...
she sends me round the twist!
I can't call 'er 'the missus' now,
'ole girl' or 'sweetie-pie'.
"We're partners, Bill," she sez ter me,
"we're equal, you an' I."

Well blow me down! That's news ter me,
'cos she's the one 'oo's boss,
while I jus' minds me p's an' q's
an' 'opes she don't get cross.
See, she ain't one ter grab an axe,
a spanner or a wrench,
but woe betide if I don't 'elp
around the kitchen bench!
'Cos wimmin ain't the weaker sex...
we've made a big mistake!
Doreen's got whipcord in 'er veins...
she bends but she don't break.

Now in the bedroom things is great,
so please don't get me wrong,
but strewth I've 'ad ter learn a lot...
an' foreplay takes so long!
She likes a cuddle afterwards
an' that "I loves yer" rot,
she wants to 'ear me deepest thoughts...
tho' I ain't got a lot!
The trouble is, I worry so
about wot should be done
me engine sometimes seizes up
before I 'its the ton!

She's gone an' got 'erself a job
an' put young Bill in care,
now 'e's as 'appy as a lark...
it's me wot's worse fer wear!
Doreen sez: "Don't you fret yerself...
it's not ter do wiv you...
I 'as ter go an' find meself,
I need a change of view."
But I dunno, 'cos my ole man
looked after mum an' me,
wiv 'im outside an' 'er indoors
as right as right can be.

I 'ad a word ter Ginger Mick...
'e's never tied the knot.
"So tell me wot these wimmin want,
wot sorter rules they got!"
'E looks at me an' gives a sigh
an' sez: "Now listen, Bill,
yer gotta learn that wimmin's rules
ain't never standin' still.
They wants a master an' a slave,
a hero an' a fool,
a lover, cook, an' odd-job man,
a god 'oo's super-cool.

They wants a devil an' a saint,
a bloke wot's smooth but rough,
'oo's honest, smart, an' tender too...
wiv lotsa foldin' stuff!"
Gorstrooth! That left me feelin' worse...
I dunno where I'm at...
I'm just a normal sorter bloke,
I can't keep up wiv that!
There's only one thing left ter do...
I'll 'ave ter join the club.
When things get tense I'll jus' shoot thro'…
an' 'ead off ter the pub!

© David Campbell, 2002

[Heather]

Got it in one David!

[mummsie]

I love it David. Not a thing there to argue with.

Sounds like ya missus 'as done us proud.


Sue

[Dave Smith]

Gawd struth David sounds like yer’ve gone an’ got one of those bonzer tarts like wot I read about in a book, Well spare me bloomin’ days ‘er name’s Doreen.

That’s a ripper David I love it goodonya.

TTFN Dave.

[Dennis N O'Brien]

Yep, great poem.

[Neville Briggs]

Perhaps we detect a hint of the influence of C.J. Dennis.

[David Campbell]

Yes, it's hard to beat old CJ, and Doreen is a magnificent character...which prompts a question I'll ask in the discussion thread. This poem was written a few years ago now, but it always goes down well at presentations. I've just come back from visiting our older daughter in Ireland (via Croatia, Slovenia, Hungary, Romania, Austria and Germany), and she told me that she recently performed it at her local Toastmasters club. It was a great success, so much so that an Irish 'bloke' has ordered a copy of my book! Now I'm trying to imagine Dennis-style vernacular with an Irish brogue...

Cheers
David

[r.magnay]

visiting our older daughter in Ireland (via Croatia, Slovenia, Hungary, Romania, Austria and Germany),
Cheers
David

Sorry to hear you are doing it so tough David, I hope things pick up for you soon.....

All BS aside, a good poem mate!

[David Campbell]

Thanks Ross, and yep...it was really tough over there! My daughter will sometimes email to say she's going to London/Paris/Amsterdam for the weekend and, from way over here on the other side of the world, it's hard to imagine being able to do that. Can't even get out of the state for the weekend! I'm still recovering from the marathon flight home.

Cheers
David