ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

DOOMED (edited version)


Now dying from the outside in
I feel the tremor through my skin,
the rip and slice of cruel saw
as it cuts through my inner core
Through layers deep with history's mark
those hidden lifelines 'neath the bark
And in the moment that I fall
My last sound heard, the anguished call
of birds and souls who cherish me.
But though some think me just a tree
I am earth's lungs. This they don't see.

Maureen Clifford ©





DOOMED


Now dying from the outside in
I feel the tremor through my skin,
the rip and slice of cruel saw
as it cuts through my inner core
Through layers deep with history's mark
those hidden lifelines 'neath the bark
And in the moment that I fall
My last sound heard, the anguished call
of birds and souls who cherish me.
But though some think me just a tree
don't they breathe the same air as me?

Maureen Clifford © 05/13

I enjoyed your poem Maureen.

So true, the destruction of our forest over this way at least continues to this very day - but it's a world wide problem.

Cheers Terry

Thought provoking Maureen.


Sue

That's bonza Maureen.
I'm a tree manic... used to drive croc nuts. I need trauma therapy whenever any tree of any description is felled or butchered. Great poem.

I know you didn't ask, but.....a few places that could add to the class of this piece...

Now dying from the outside in
I feel the tremor through my skin,
the rip and slice of cruel saw
as it cuts through my inner core
Through layers deep with history's mark
those hidden lifelines in my bark
And in the moment that I fall
My last sound heard, the anguished call
of birds and souls who cherish me.
But though some think me just a tree
don't they breathe the same air as me?

Just a few spots where the stress fell upon 'the' etc... & 'anguished' is the 2 required sylls instead of the 3 in 'desperate'. I'm too tired to tackle the last line...stress is upon 'the' again.....Forgive my unsought interference, but it's such a great poem I thought it deserved to shine even more...
XX........mmm... maybe...'don't they, the same air breathe as me?'.......mmm...maybe not.

Thanks Terry - I hate seeing the trees destroyed - always seems the ultimate act of vandalism to me.

Lots of things are thought provoking Sue but are they thought provoking enough to make a difference is the question?

Thanks Glenny - your advice is always valued and I have pinched two out of the three. As the rings of the tree depicting its age are not actually in the bark I have ditched that one as being technically incorrect

Desperate - of course 3 syllables but I was thinking des'prate but eliminate the doubt and use anguished - OK Good call

Now you have got me thinking about that last line which I thought was a masterstroke of a statement but seems I got it wrong again. Bummer!!!

You always come up with original ideas for your poems Maureen. Send me a couple of bottles of your thoughts.
Great piece. ... Wazza

Who said Maureen got her thoughts from bottles ?

What about "Maureen,your ideas are so good you ought to bottle them."
Wazza

Maureen K Clifford wrote: Now you have got me thinking about that last line which I thought was a masterstroke of a statement but seems I got it wrong again. Bummer!!!

Oh Mausey.....that last line IS a masterstroke love. It's exactly the powerful ending the poem needs. It's just a shame that the stress bloominwell falls upon 'the'.

When I was training & motivating specialty sales consultants (in a previous life...last century) I always suggested that they never ask ''what did I do wrong?'' but rather, ''what could I have said, or done, differently?'' It's much more constructive...& kinder to oneself.
It's a bonny poem Maureen. I just seem to be addicted to giving advice.....some of which I might be wise to take myself.

Changed it Glenny - any better?