Dusk

[Heather]

I just thought I'd share with you the first poem I ever wrote attempting something resembling metre - sort of, well, maybe not. Anyhows, I got the rhyme bit right! Glenny walked me through it and it was SOOO hard at the time. I did two versions - a long and short version. I wouldn't dream of showing you anything earlier than this - waaay too embarrassing and some after it not too flash either. Please feel free to discuss.

[Neville Briggs]

Those first two stanzas are GREAT. Love it.

The second version with syllabic marks, sorry, I believe shows that your struggle to do "correct metre" took away your feel for the rhythm of language ( which is not the same thing as metre ).
It's a bit like artists sketches. Sometimes a little pencil sketch done loosely and on the spot has more life than a "proper " painting worked up in the studio.

Metre is not a scientific formula, I see when I read contemporary rhyme and metre that metre is " flexible ' in modern practice.
C.J.Dennis never varied from strict syllabic metre, Les Murray writes metric verse that pushes the boundaries with variation. Take your pick, as far as I am concerned one is just as good as the other.

[Heather]

Thanks Neville. Believe it or not those marks were in both poems where Glenny was demonstrating syllables and stresses and I have forgotten to remove them. At the time I had no idea about stresses and this was just a tool to demonstrate to a very raw beginner what she was talking about - and it worked because I got what she was on about. (I'll take them out now)

Heather

[alongtimegone]

Sounds like it was a perfect day the way you've poeticized it Heather. I like it very much. Certainly doesn't read like a first attempt.
Wazza

[Heather]

Thanks Wazza. I think this was the version after the tutition. I kinda hoped someone would say I'd improved! Apparently not.