How I Topped McDougal's Score

[keats]

The Sequal......

HOW I TOPPED McDOUGAL’S SCORE
Neil McArthur
© 2014

A peaceful spot is Piper’s Flat, the folks that live around
Keep themselves by keeping sheep, and tearing up the ground
Vandalising Bastards! They cause me trepidation
By tearing up the ground, they’re causing soil degradation

And me as a true blue Greenie, I don’t like this goin’ ‘orn
Thus, I decided to object and Protest on their Town Hall Lawn
So I went down to Piper’s Flat and them folks what live around
And keep themselves by keeping sheep and tearing up the ground

With a big sign saying ‘BASTARDS’ nailed on to a picket
When the mayor called out, “Can’t we settle this over a game of Cricket?”
“HA!! I’M KING OF CRICKET!”, I yelled back, “so don’t you sound your bugle!”
“You don’t scare us!,” replied the Mayor,” for we have got McDougal!”

‘McDougal?’ I thought, ‘I recall that name, from some old Australian poem’
Then the Mayor finished off, “And it’s local rules, you have to play on your own.
But we’ll give you a sporting chance for you can choose any pitch around.”
I said “I want one where you don’t keep sheep or’ve bin tearing up the ground!”

“And if I win - then you must make these folks what live around
Find other ways to keep themselves than by digging up the ground”
“A deal!” the Mayor said, laughing, “but when we whip your rear
You must pack your Greenie crap and piss off out of here!”

Thus dawned the day of the cricket match, I felt a bit of a drongo
As every one cheered for Piper’s Flat, (except eleven blokes from Molongo)
But unbeknown to Piper’s Flat, I was a bowler who'd let ‘em rip
Me follow through was so bloody fast, I’d take caught ‘n’ bowled’s at first slip

So I proceeded to knock them over, The ball kept foiling the bat
I had them 9 for 52, that team from Piper’s flat
Then the cry went up “McDOUGAL!!” as a Scotsman took the crease
With his old dog, Pincher, by his side, freely off his leash

His dog just sat there quietly, rattling my suspicion
So as I raced in fast to bowl, I made a quick decision
I bowled a full toss out real wide, hit his old dog's head
“Acch!!! Now I’m buggered!!” McDougal said, as Pincer fell down dead

I went straight through his guard next ball and messed his stumps around
McDougal walked, with his poor dead dog, despondently from the ground
“All out for 53, “ I screamed, “54 to win!
“Bring your finest bowlers on,” I yelled, “looks like I’m in”

Tim Brady sent a ‘wobbler’ in, a slow, flat easy one
I carved It like Don Bradman, and then began to run
It rolled on out to deep third man, it rolled and rolled and rolled
To where they’d just torn up the ground, and fell into a hole

The fielders, they just stood around and wondered what to do
“Go get some rope!” yelled Brady, “and some digging equipment too!”
And so the team from Piper’s flat, each player, one and all
Began their urgent, arduous task of trying to find the ball

They absailed down the crater, trying to get the cricket ball
While I just kept on running, “Ten runs!” was the call
Their vain attempts invaded by a wandering flock of sheep
They persevered to get that ball, a half a mile deep

I yelled “You folks from Piper’s Fat and you folks that live around
And keep yourselves by keeping sheep and tearing up the ground
You’s are getting all your just deserts, I hope you suffer plenty!
Environmental Bastards!” I yelled, The scorer yelled out “Twenty!”

They couldn’t reach that ball that fell a half a mile down
They had shovels, forks and backhoes, all tearing up the ground
They were white and in a panic and cried, “You’re playing dirty!”
“....Couldn’t give a bugger!” I yelled, the scorer yelled out “Thirty!”

They stuffed the hole with dynamite, to try to blast it free
But succeeded just in blowing half their team to buggery!
Some old chook in the crowd cried out, “You’re very, very naughty!”
“Shut your wrinkled, old gob!”, I yelled, the scorer yelled out “Forty!’

The Piper’s Flat folk cursed their luck, in obscene dialogue
They cursed the sheep, they cursed the ground, and cursed McDougal’s Dog
And then the scorer bellowed out, “You needn’t dig no more
This bloke’s just run his 54th and topped McDougal’s Score!!”

The Molongo blokes went wild, and filled me full of grog
Carried me on past Piper’s Flat and McDougal burying his dog
Thus the townsfolk kept their promise, stopped tearing up the ground
Ate their sheep and planted lots of Gum Trees all around

So now those folks from Piper’s Flat and all of their relations
Keep themselves by selling drugs and robbing Petrol Stations
But I’ve done the Earth a service, like has ne’re been done before
Since I beat that team from Piper’s Flat and topped McDougal’s score!!!

[william williams]

Did they find the ball. Neil or was it hidden in your trousers

bill w

[keats]

There is no room down there, Bill.

[Heather]

Purple leotards spring to mind!


Oh my, I think i'm orff me dinner!

[Vic Jefferies]

Brilliant! Love it. A true Neil McArthur poem!

[Heather]

Yep, I can hear you reciting it Neil.... I just have to close my eyes and not visualise the leotards....

[Maureen K Clifford]

Neil The poor dog - shame on you and you ate the bloody sheep as well. My god man have you no shame Overlooking those bits though this is pretty funny Thanks for making me giggle

PS If the cracks in the ground were that deep why did they have to dig a hole to bury the dog? That's men for you....never seeing the obvious, always complicating things. Pffft

[keats]

BECAUSE Maureen, if they buried the dog that deep then how are the crows expected to dig it up and eat it? Be sensible!! Now back to my Lamb Chops. Darn, just spilt some on my purple leota.................jeans.

[Heather]

Oh NO, NO, NO!

[warooa]

It's hard to believe we even contemplate discussing the perilous future of bush poetry when gems like this appear