Grandma

[mummsie]

Time for a bit of fun. I wear a grannys wig for this one, an old shawl and walking stick in hand help to set the scene, supported by a down pat grannys voice.)

GRANDMA
SUE PEARCE (c)
"Hello, my name is Grandma and I've just turned ninety one
and though the years have taken toll I still enjoy some fun
most grandmas, they just sit and knit and wait that final breath
but I was born to gamble and I’ll gamble ‘till me death.

I wake up in the mornings and my mind begins to stray
to slot machines and flashing lights- the promise of a pay
but, finance is a problem; I’m a little short on cash
a plot is soon in place to find where Grandad hides his stash.

I search in every corner, every cranny just in case
'till finally I find the old sods secret hiding place
I empty every skerrick then I jot a little note
it's just polite to let him know… not that I wish to gloat.

I love a game of hide and seek when Grandads not around
It seems that every pension day there's money to be found
I quickly line my pockets then I scurry to the club
but not before I place a tiny wager at the pub.

I sometimes have a flutter at the lights along the way
where engine teasing rev-heads sound a challenge to the fray
I brace myself for battle as the lights insist on-red
well, lights don’t stop this Granny and I floor it…straight ahead.

The odds are stacked against me- there’s excitement in the air
as blaring horns and squealing brakes add substance to the dare
I revel in the carnage as I slyly slip away
there's nothing like a little thrill to start a grandmas day.

I dared not tell old Grandad - he was such a mean old coot
he‘d hide me purse and car keys so I soon gave him the boot
I got this stuff called arsenic... just a dab or two each day
the children, they were so upset when Granddad passed away.

The day they buried Grandad well, the time was not the best
the RSL had bingo on and……funerals I detest
but I made it to the cemetery to see him on his way
to say a prayer and shed a tear and shout HIP HIP HOORAY.

For a sizeable inheritance was waiting –quite a haul
all that lousiness and meanness wasn't wasted after all
the city's lights are calling with temptations by the score
Casinos, Clubs and T.A.B's and traffic lights galore.

But there’s just one tiny issue- a small hiccup if you must
the will has been contested and the money placed in trust
the family say I’m senile- have you ever heard such rot?
that somehow Grandads passing was a planned and evil plot.

Last night I heard them talking of a placement in aged care
for me!! …Nah, not this Granny, I’m not going anywhere
It’s time I fixed those scoundrels; I’ll invite them ‘round for tea
with a dab or two of arsenic…you can place your bets on me".

[Heather]

Love it, you wicked old granny you! (A touch of Kymmie in that one I reckon Sue).

Heather

[mummsie]

Thanks Heather
I love performing this one, always brings a laugh and yeah, I reckon our Kym would have liked it too.
Sue

[Rod Walford]

Very nice Sue - - although you gotta feel for poor ol' grandpa !!

[mummsie]

Thanks Rod. Yeah, I reckon Granny would have given him a pretty hard time. , There's probably a few of them out there you know.

Sue

[Ron]

Good one Sue The Granny from hell!
Ron

[mummsie]

Thanks Ron, I imagine there are a few of them around perhaps not quite as calculating.

Sue

[Neville Briggs]

Goodness me Sue


Back in 1990 there was an elderly lady in our area that seemed to want to befriend me, when I had to go to her place to sort out some neighbourhood troubles she invited me in for a chat, and a couple of years sent me a Christmas card. Lucky I didn't have a cup of tea at her place. The intelligence officer chastised me for " consorting with criminals " and I found out she had done a sentence for murder;poisoned a couple of blokes. Nice old lady, helped local charities.

[vwalla]

Sounds a bit like "Arsenic and old lace?"
Cheers
ValW

[Heather]

Phew, close call Neville.