It's bloody 'ard ter be a bloke...

[David Campbell]

Shelley's thread seems to have been sidetracked onto the issue of how difficult it is to understand women, so maybe it's time to fess up and resurrect an old one (posted here back in 2012), just to remind everyone that:

It's bloody 'ard ter be a bloke...

It's bloody 'ard ter be a bloke
in this 'ere day an' age...
no matter wot yer say or do
yer rattle someone's cage.
Take my Doreen, me one true love,
she ain't no femernist,
but flamin' 'ell she's got me tossed...
she sends me round the twist!
I can't call 'er 'the missus' now,
'ole girl' or 'sweetie-pie'.
"We're partners, Bill," she sez ter me,
"we're equal, you an' I."

Well blow me down! That's news ter me,
'cos she's the one 'oo's boss,
while I jus' minds me p's an' q's
an' 'opes she don't get cross.
See, she ain't one ter grab an axe,
a spanner or a wrench,
but woe betide if I don't 'elp
around the kitchen bench!
'Cos wimmin ain't the weaker sex...
we've made a big mistake!
Doreen's got whipcord in 'er veins...
she bends but she don't break.

Now in the bedroom things is great,
so please don't get me wrong,
but strewth I've 'ad ter learn a lot...
an' foreplay takes so long!
She likes a cuddle afterwards
an' that "I loves yer" rot,
she wants to 'ear me deepest thoughts...
tho' I ain't got a lot!
The trouble is, I worry so
about wot should be done
me engine sometimes seizes up
before I 'its the ton!

She's gone an' got 'erself a job
an' put young Bill in care,
now 'e's as 'appy as a lark...
it's me wot's worse fer wear!
Doreen sez: "Don't you fret yerself...
it's not ter do wiv you...
I 'as ter go an' find meself,
I need a change of view."
But I dunno, 'cos my ole man
looked after mum an' me,
wiv 'im outside an' 'er indoors
as right as right can be.

I 'ad a word ter Ginger Mick...
'e's never tied the knot.
"So tell me wot these wimmin want,
wot sorter rules they got!"
'E looks at me an' gives a sigh
an' sez: "Now listen, Bill,
yer gotta learn that wimmin's rules
ain't never standin' still.
They wants a master an' a slave,
a hero an' a fool,
a lover, cook, an' odd-job man,
a god 'oo's super-cool.

They wants a devil an' a saint,
a bloke wot's smooth but rough,
'oo's honest, smart, an' tender too...
wiv lotsa foldin' stuff!"
Gorstrooth! That left me feelin' worse...
I dunno where I'm at...
I'm just a normal sorter bloke,
I can't keep up wiv that!
There's only one thing left ter do...
I'll 'ave ter join the club.
When things get tense I'll jus' shoot thro'…
an' 'ead off ter the pub!

© David Campbell, 2002

[Maureen K Clifford]

Nicely done David Stand back and wait for comments You have probably hit the nail on the head though - doubtless the reason many blokes go to the pub although the newer generation these days seek retreat in their 'man cave'

[Heather]

Our Doreen's got to be all things to all people these days. More power to her!

Nice one David. Doreen was always a favourite.

Heather

[David Campbell]

Agree, Heather, Doreen ("pastin' labels in a pickle joint") is a wonderful creation. And as for that man-cave, Maureen, I wrote an article for your Courier-Mail back in June 2009 that sheds(!) a little light on the matter. It's not poetry, but I'll bung it in here anyway.

A bloke and his shed

The average bloke spends almost thirteen hours a week in his shed. That’s more than 27 days a year and, between the ages of 30 and 76, a total of almost three and a half years tinkering in the workshop out the back.

And that’s not all, according to a survey of 2000 shed or garage owners (from http://www.cosyhomesonline.com). A staggering 42 per cent love their shed so much they’d struggle to live without it…and a quarter have slept there overnight!

But not me. I have shedaphobia, a serious aversion to sheds. I am to sheds what fish are to bicycles.

I do have a shed, deliberately added when we extended the house many moons ago. I visualised pleasant hours spent pottering about, creating all manner of wonderful examples of the craftsman’s art. I installed a bench with a vice, purchased screwdrivers, chisels, spanners, a hammer and a set of saws. I bought an electric drill and established an eccentric collection of nails, screws, nuts and bolts.

All to no avail. They are still there, cobwebbed and rusting symbols of my complete failure to master the mysteries of shed culture. It’s not supposed to be this way. According to the code of blokes, men are born with a solid grounding in shed lore. We know how things work and how to fix them when they don’t. That is the theory.

But when I hammer a nail it bends. Drill-holes are in the wrong place. Saw-cuts are crooked and the measurement is out. Chisels bite off more than they can chew. Anything constructed looks like a dog’s breakfast and is prone to disintegration.

A brother-in-law who was born in a shed regards me with perplexity and something akin to pity. As someone who likes messing about in boats, he has spent his whole life in shed-land. But I am an alien who is not versed in the shed tongue.

When discussion turns to shed-talk I have an overwhelming urge to flee and seek the company of the womenfolk, for they are likely to be exchanging views on something far more interesting than angle grinders, universal joints, epoxy resin, and the virtues of a limited slip diff on a V2 Series Holden Monaro.

Which leads to the burning question: why don’t women need sheds? More than half of the men in the survey admitted that they go to their sheds to spend ‘man-time’ away from their families, and 46 per cent went there as soon as they got home from work.

But what do women do for ‘woman-time’? They seem to have no need to get away in splendid isolation. In fact, just the opposite. They actively seek company, exchanging emails and phone calls or meeting down the street for coffee and a chat.

Why this chasm between the sexes? Men escape while women bond. More research is desperately needed into this little understood phenomenon. Why are 38 per cent of men “never happier” than when they’re working on something in the garage, seeing it as the only place in the home they can truly unwind?

Perhaps women need to devise a new perfume that is an alluring mix of linseed oil, turpentine and wood shavings. Unless, of course, they’re perfectly happy to see their blokes heading for the shed.

© David Campbell, June 16, 2009

[Heather]

Perhaps a writer's version of a shed is his writing desk? A shed is after-all a place to go for time out, space to think, a place for activity to divert the mind.

I've known of men who, once retiring, don't have a hobby or social group to get involved in and sadly and most frustratingly, they sit at home and whinge and moan. They often lose their social network once they leave the workplace. One woman I know used to go to the supermarket to escape her husband who followed her everywhere - he even sat in the car while she went to the hairdressers. It was suffocating. Men need a shed, a fishing spot, a mate or two - or a writing desk. The inception of the "Men's Shed" has been a wonderful idea to get those bored retired men out, busy and talking.

Heather

[David Campbell]

Good points, Heather, particularly regarding the men who lose their social network when they retire, usually because their whole lives have revolved around their job and they don't know what to do when it's gone. Not surprising that some women leave when men start behaving like the bloke in your example. Divorce rates are going up for oldies. Here's a relevant quote from a 2013 Adele Horin article:

"Today’s 55 or 60-year-olds typically feel like youngsters; staying the course in a dead-end marriage can mean an unacceptable 20 or 30 years more of emotional numbness. Women are much more likely than in the past to have financial independence, and backed by a posse of female friends, the courage to strike out alone. As well, divorce has lost its stigma through seeing friends and relatives split up at earlier stages. By 2010 one-quarter of the men born in the baby boomer years (1946-1964) had experienced a divorce and 30 per cent of women..."

David

[Heather]

So let that be a warning to you!

[Stephen Whiteside]

Is it too simplistic to suggest that men are wired to roam abroad as hunters, enduring long periods of isolation and privation in their search for a sabre-tooth tiger to feed their brood, while the women are wired to stay at home and care for hearth and home?

Monogamy muddies the waters, too. Most mammals' social structure centres around the harem. The dominant male has a large harem of females, while all the other males keep head-butting the dominant male for the right to take over his harem. One bloke has all the women, the others get none, and the men keep on attacking each other, and spend most of their time alone nursing their wounds from their previous failed challenge, or gathering strength to mount the next one. Humans were no different for most of their history. Then suddenly monogamy came along and we all started pairing up...but the old instincts die hard.

[Bob Pacey]

Women are such fragile creatures .


Bob

[Heather]

So you still want to go around hitting each other? Some animals and birds pair for life.

Bob, women are much stronger than men - especially in times of adversity. Women are incredibly resilient when times are tough. I saw many men fall in a heap after the Black Saturday bush fires and I saw women step up, take charge, make the best and carry the load. While their men were falling apart, becoming depressed (and a lot did), because they had lost control of their lives, the women grew stronger and grew as individuals. I met some amazing women during that time.