I've added a stanza to this poem if anyone is at all interested. Initially I didn't want to over think it but I might have been a bit hasty (impetuous, impulsive even) but on reflection I thought it needed some padding. I'm a woman, I'm allowed to change my mind.
I sort of think you had it in the first version. It's a delicate thing, I think a delicate thing can be too easily overloaded.
Maybe you could revisit Emily Dickinson if you want to think about it.
I could be wrong it's only my perspective.
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.