Puddles of Colour

[Zondrae]

We had the topic 'Puddles' for homework one week. I like this one but it is a bit odd. Comments welcome.

Puddles Of Colour
©Zondrae King (Corrimal) 03/10

When dark clouds gather, threatening to soak the town,
and lightning flashes fill the evening sky,
the workers and the shoppers all will wear a frown.
They huddle, sheltered, knowing rain is nigh
and colours from the lights dissolve in pools.

The neon on the buildings advertising signs,
assault the senses with their urgent words.
The lightning interrupts the marketers designs
to keep their business well before the herds,
as puddles form and colour fills the pools.

A city in the rain can be a dismal place
as people hurry forward like a swarm.
They grumble with their collars up around their face
then rub their hands together to keep warm
and see the coloured water in the pools.

Then when the clouds have cleared and all the rain is gone,
the people smile and look towards the skies.
They step between the puddles as the lights come on
and folding back their collars, fix their ties.
The colours fade and water drains from pools.

[Neville Briggs]

G'day Zondrae. I like it, its going well. I think it needs a bit of revision.

What I do, and I know Greg North does it too, is to mark at the top of the page the metric structure as a reminder

e.g. -/-/-/-/
-/-/-/
for the usual ballad 4 feet followed by 3 feet.
de dum de dum de dum de dum
de dum de dum de dum

Then as I write the lines underneath , I read each one out loud and see if it forms the structure that I have marked at the top of the page. And I make sure that I pronounce the words the same as everyday speech, not like singers do.. to fit the beat.

The only problem is, Greg North is good at it , I'm not.
I find all the time that it's hard to get the phrases for rhyming words and hard to avoid phrases that look like they are only there to make the rhyme, but as Malcolm Fraser said
" Poetry wasn't meant to be easy " that's where the agony ( for me ) of hard thinking comes in.

Hope I'm not telling you something you already know

You've done better than me Zondrae, We have a monthly topic due on 6th of April and I haven't got a clue yet.

[Heather]

I quite like it too Zondrae. Your poem is written in the present tense but this line is in the future tense.

the workers and the shoppers all will wear a frown.

What about describing the frown. I've used heavy but it could be any other word that describes a frown

the workers and the shoppers wear a heavy frown.

I think the first line has a problem and I think it is with the word threatening. I'd rearrange that line a bit and find some new words.

I hesitate to give advice ('cause I aways seem to be wrong when I do) and only make these suggestions because you ask.

Heather

[Zondrae]

Thank you both for such quick and positive comments.

This poem is one that fits in the category of 1) not really long enough to bother learning for performance and 2) definitely not a competition piece.
So I probably won't bother to spend time 'fixing' it. Also I included it in one of the anthologies I threw together for my group. So, as it has been published (even though it was only by me) I don't feel right changing it. I liked the images of the neon lights dribbling into puddles and being stomped on by the people. I tried to capture the feeling of individual isolation (the umbrella defines the world) in the city. As I said I probably won't change it... but it may give birth to something else along the same lines someday.

Also Neville,
It is interesting to know how some other writers address the 'metre' thing. There must be so many different ways to check the stress flow. I do write mine both over the words (in the usual scan method)and at the end of the line. I usually wait til I have most of the poem written before I look really closely. Maybe this is where I go wrong! Greg's method sounds more logical. I must discuss this with him next time we meet.

[Maureen K Clifford]

I like it Zondrae - did wonder about this line though

The neon on the buildings advertising signs,
assault the senses with their urgent words.

might that be better perhaps as

The advertising on the buildings - those bright neon signs
assault the senses with their urgent words.


and I like that idea Neville has put forward as well. I'm like you Zondrae I wait till the end and then go back and try to smooth it out.

Heathers suggestion I think also works well - but all in all I like this very much.

Cheers

Maureen

[Zondrae]

evening Maureen,

I was trying to be cold and distant. Also the syllable count and stresses come into play. As I had in my mind, the neon (the gas in the signs) being flushed out of the glass tubing, taking the colour with it, and into the puddles. This is one time I didn't try to have a smooth flow from one line to the next, with the enjambment. I also wanted to express, the colours and the puddles have a life of their own, that the people in the rush and bustle of the city, don't even notice. My line has 12 where as your suggestion has 14. I think he pattern is 12,10,12,10,10 All the last lines end with 'pools'. Perhaps I should have called it 'Pools of Colour'. Simple rhyme ababc. Funny that I thought it wasn't a rhyming poem.

[Glenny Palmer]

Hello Zondrae,
Interesting.....

and see the coloured water in the pools. My thinking was, that in their 'grumbly' state that this may be effective....

'and miss the coloured water in the pools'

I think you are spot on saying that something else will come from this. The thought process is too good to abandon & I think you could make a great poem from that. I'd encourage you to really expand your ideas in this work, & couple it with human nature's tendency to rush past beauty....often in the pursuit of same.

Also...as far as I know 'not to be published' means 'for profit'. I wouldn't get too anxious about submitting the poems we share on here into comps. Apart from sheer entertainment & camaraderie, this is after all a 'learning' platform.

cheeers
Glenny

[Glenny Palmer]

Hey Neville,
You have produced some fine poems to date....& certainly kept us entertained & informed along the way. Good hard physical work often clears away any self confidence slumps.....and there I can be most helpful. There's tons of scrubbing to do around here (te he).

This . -/-/-/-/-/-/-/ is what you'll see like wallpaper in my place. But I lay it over every line, as well as beside the stanzas. It's scary to see. Do you think you may be coming to grief with this...?..

'And I make sure that I pronounce the words the same as everyday speech' What is important is that you identify the stressed & unstressed syllables, & particularly which syll the stress falls on eg. 'hist-or-y'. If you wrote it so that the stress fell upon 'or' your pronunciation would be 'hist-or-y.' If you are relying on 'how we pronounce it in everyday speech, which IS applicable, be mindful that we actually pronounce 'history' as 'histry'. I think you know that, & that is what you are saying...but...it is very possible to create a perfect structure (Iambic, Anapaestic etc) but have the stresses falling awkwardly which buggers up the whole thing.
What I find often confuses poets is that it is essential to WRITE it in the 'dum de dum', but then you can SPEAK it differently so that it is not monotonous.
You have a lot of knowledge Neville & I encourage you to believe in it/yourself as you are a goodo poet. What often also helps is if you speak your line extremely slowly with a very exaggerated emphasis on the stressed sylls you will 'hear' the glitch. Also, for lyricism...write out your description in prose, as lyrically as possible, & then see how you can craft that prose into verse.
I just hope my late night brain dead ramblings do assist.
Good luck
Glenny

[Zondrae]

Thank you Mother Hen,

Thanks, Glenny, for taking time to comment and give your thoughts on my poem. Your words of wisdom are always welcome. I think I am getting better at recognising where the stresses are. However, I still sometimes try to squish words into shape instead of molding the whole thing slowly and finding the perfect word. I think I have three rhyming dictionaries, four ordinary dictionaries and at least two thesauruses, or is that (thesauri). You would think I had enough words to choose from. Especially as I often espouse the fact that the English language has more words that any other language. (hereby satisfying my new years resolution of trying to use less common words)
When you are busy and don't pop in for a while, I worry that someone (and I hope it would never be me) may have offended you. I do understand that you have to chase the almighty dollar. Thank goodness I don't have to go to work anymore. Retirement has it's benifits. Thanks again for all the help you have given me over the years.
I'm nose down in a poem at the moment... inspired by the two recent earthquakes. and did I mention I'm learning the Ukulele?
Our weekly topic is 'behind the shed'.

[r.magnay]

...metaphorically schmetaphorically!....if she had to she would bash you....but generally she can talk her way around things...talk her way around things...talk her way around things!



G'day Glenny...