The Key

[Glenny Palmer]

This is terrible....but it's late & I'm tired....



" THE KEY " © Glenny Palmer

There's a lot of joy in camping out, but a lot of troubles too
like when you're waiting for the key, and you're busting for the loo.
Because you are a gentleman the Missus gets it first,
and off she goes to do her thing, while your plumbing's set to burst.

"She won't be long..." you tell yourself, and you wish you had a cork,
when up fronts Gasbag Charlie, and you're stuck...'cause you can't walk.
Then he brags about his vehicles and he brags about his vans
and he shows you snaps of grandkids, while you dream of steel bedpans.

And the mongrel hasn't noticed that your health is being wrecked
as you wrap around an annexe pole to keep yourself erect.
When he finally walks away a fifty note falls from his pants
but you dare not bend to grab it, 'cause this ain't just flat-u-lance!

Then the old dear two vans down turns up, she's locked outside again,
could you come and help her break back in? (this'll test your grit for pain.)
With your knees pressed firm together as you waddle like a duck,
the old girl says,"I see you have arthritis, what bad luck."

Then she pumps you full of celery juice, says "This should do the trick."
and she doesn't know how right she is, and you bugger off real quick.
Then you see the Missus coming...with the key...she's there in person.
but damn ! the sun is in your eyes, it's just bloody Elle McPherson!

So you ask her can you have her key, explain that you're frustrated,
but she knees you in the groin and says "You oughta be castrated!"
She says "I've had enough of blokes like you." and calls a copper,
she tells him that your name's Big Mac, 'cause you sure ain't got a whopper.

You try to tell the policeman all you want from life's a loo,
he says "Yeah, blokes who can't have Elle say that's what they do too."
As he drags you to the magistrate and past an empty cell,
you notice there's a loo in it and you start to scream and yell.

“ I'm guilty! Give me twenty years! For God's sake do it man!”
but the magistrate is that old dear you helped break in her van.
She says "This poor dear fellow is distraught and wrought with pain,
I'll let you off this time, make sure you don't offend again."

So the paddy wagon drops you off beside your camping spot,
and the Missus comes out blowing, bloody hell she's really hot.
"Where the hell have you been, don't you ever think of me?"
You say "I've thought of... n o t h i n g else... now where's that bloody key?”

You tackle her and frisk her, get the key out of her pocket,
and streak towards the dunny like Apollo ten space rocket.
When you reach the door you hit the floor, while on your elbows leaning,
your bloodshot eyes read out the words..."Sorry, closed for cleaning!"

[Neville Briggs]

I've told you a million times Glenny, don't exaggerate

[Glenny Palmer]

Touché Neville...King of The Puns.

It's a deplorable piece, & I'm humbled by your strength of character in reading it. I don't know what got into me....posting 'toilet humour' like that.

[Heather]

I felt the pain Glenny!

Bob you could learn this one!

Heather

[Zondrae]

AAh Glenny,

It is so good to have you back!
You have been on caravanning holidays too. The solution is.. ask for two keys or hide the one you have.

But then there is nothing to write a funny poem about is there.
Don't you love 'Caravanning Bliss' I think it is by Bob Magor. I particularly like the bit about the old blokes comparing the quantity in the overnight bucket.

thanks for the giggle.

[Glenny Palmer]

Hey Zondrae,
Thanks love. Yep, traversed the country for years during my 'apprenticeship', & that awful poem sprung from a true incident in Bundy. Just as I was coming back from the showers a bloke said to my (then) hubby, 'You waitin' for the key, mate?' That was it....Left my hair in a towel & set to with pen & paper. Performed it for the campers 2 hours later & they seemed to like it. They were happy days.

Heather...sorry to cramp you up love. Yeah, get Bob to perform it!! I'm too embarrassed for myself (it's a bit rude in spots).

Cheeers
Glenny

[Bob Pacey]

Yeah that's right anyone would think that I only do rude poems. Even this is a little borderline for me !!! Na just kidding it would go down a treat with the grey nomads set.


With your kind permission I will see if I can learn it and do it justice Glenny your highness.


Robert Alan Micheal Pacey esq

[Heather]

Known to his friends as the "plumber".

He he

[Glenny Palmer]

Go for it Bob. 'Plumb' the depths. It is, after all, one of my deeper works. (?)

Goodonyas
Glenny

[Bob Pacey]

Thanks Glenny XXXXXXX

Heather did I miss something ? Remember I'm just a country Bumpkin.


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