Homework week ending 24/12 Thirteen steps down

[Maureen K Clifford]

Interesting story. Is this based on fact???The number thirteen seems to hold special significance within it - is he the actual hangman?

See you've got me curious Marty I want to know more

Good writing

Cheers

Maureen

[Heather]

I really, really like this poem Marty. I'd liked to have seen stanza three continue with the same opening words as in all the other stanzas and I don't think the metre is as strong there either. Terrific poem and very original topic. Great stuff!

Heather

[Neville Briggs]

That's a good go at the topic Marty. Since this is a worshop I'll venture a small observation.
I have been going back over my stuff and revewing quite a lot , because in past times I find I have used words that have the right dictionary meaning, fit the rhyme and metre but just don't match the " flavour " of the poem or depart too much from plain speech.

So on that note, I wonder about the phrase that says " his demeanour is staid " do you think that fits the picture you are trying to draw ?
It is probably hard to take out "trade", I don't like suggesting phrases, but there are a several rhyming words that might be used to make a plainer statement. Weighed, made,
paid, laid, afraid. Maybe ??? maybe not. Just my thought, but your decision.

And for those who don't like me commenting, I am no expert or superior critic. This is a workshop and as the old saying goes, sometimes two heads are better than one, especially if the head like mine has had to sort out many ,many slip ups and blunders in my work.

[Heather]

Getting picky now i know but it is a workshop. Is it one city or several cities? If city should be city's pariah...

Does he work at one place or several places? If it's one place I think you can get away with "the place that he works"

In the last stanza instead of "our" man I'd probably put "a man" and keep the distance between him and us the reader - keep some mystery about him.

The only other thing I think needs attention Marty is where you put your punctuation, dashes etc because it would make a difference to the way this poem is read and give it more impact.

Great work!

[Neville Briggs]

As you wish

[Maureen K Clifford]

The 2nd version is the stronger I think and just my thought but would we have a lot of professional hangman?? If not quite feasible that they would travel within their profession and not cover just one city so cities would probably be more appropriate, but is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things it is a great poem regardless.

Cheers

Maureen.

[Heather]

I think I'd have to agree with Neville after reading the definition of staid. I can picture a hangman being morose, sour, sullen, controlled and a heap of other words but not dignified. Maybe I just watch too much tv though!

Re professional hangman. I guess it would depend on the times Maureen. These days there probably aren't a lot of them employed so they might well travel - or have another job too! But from the poem I get the impression of times past when a lot of criminals were hung and each gaol/town (whatever) probably had their own.

The rhythm in this one is great Marty - it's like a song that won't go out of your head .....

[Heather]

Well, now you've lost the metre!

[Heather]

Just as well you are having a slow day at work hey Marty!

[Heather]

Don't forget your co-writers when you receive the royalties for the book!