OUR BILL

[Maureen K Clifford]

I am presuming your Bill - Neville is not our Bill because I am sure our Bill is already married to Maureen and he wouldn't commit bigamy - would you Bill
Just thought our Bill isn't 85.....phew that's OK, you had me worried.....carry on Neville, as you were

[Bob Pacey]

Looks more like a jumbled statement of facts after the first four lines Neville.

Perhaps you might need to explain the rhyme part to one so gramatically challanged as me ???


Bob

[Neville Briggs]

Bob, I don't think rhyme has anything to do with grammar.

In this piece...too/loo/knew and speak/week are full rhymes. answer/power are sort of partial rhymes. Partial rhymes are still rhymes.

I can't reply to your comment about looking like jumbled facts, I don't understand that, I'm afraid.
I have tried to make a very careful metric structure, in the revised version.
Perhaps it's not what it looks like, but what it sounds like when read that might make it clearer.

[Bob Pacey]

So long as you are happy with it Nev isn't that all that matters ???

Just my opinion.

That's all.

Got a full show to do tonight see you all much later>

once more unto the breach dear friends.


Bob

[Maureen K Clifford]

Neville I suspect this is the bit that is throwing Bob and confess me as well

He learnt at the campfires
from hand-written sheets
and committed to memory
line upon line;
the old rhyming ballads
he still loved and knew.

As I can't pick up the rhyme there and I did read it aloud and the girls just looked at me and went back to sleep

Obviously I am missing something???? Please explain

Cheers

Maureen

[Bob Pacey]

Read it again and again !!! nup not good .

Sort of partial rhymes sounds like you are grabbing at straws really.

Bob.

[Neville Briggs]

Line 10.knew, rhymes with lines 2 & 4. There's no law carved on stone that says every second line has to rhyme.

Partial rhymes are a well established mode of verse. Reading a lot of poetry including the traditional bush poets will show you that. For some reason latter day bush poets have been convinced that anything other than full rhyme is somehow second rate or bad rhyme, that's nonsense.

I've tried to make the metre run as best I can, which is much more important than any rhyming schemes. Rhyme in poetry is optional, the organising principle of metre is not optional, even in so-called free form. I hear and see a lot of bush poetry that has careful rhyming schemes attached to stuff that is woefully inadequate as metric construction. The bush poetry comp judges have, a few times, commented on that fault.

It was only something I did off the cuff after meeting my mate and his new bride, if you can put out of your mind that it must conform to some imagined Banjo Paterson template, change your point of view a bit, I think it should work OK.

Hopefully a little snapshot of an old rugged stockman/bush poet, getting married at 85 is more than worrying about a couple of rhyming words.

By the way, my mate Bill can stride down the street better than a bloke half his age. He's got a real spring in his step these days.

[Stephen Whiteside]

Neville, you just enjoy doing our heads in, don't you!

[Maureen K Clifford]

I see it now Neville Didn't have a problem with it but was curious as to where you were coming from with it - I don't knock any kind of poetry but I am always wanting to learn the whys and wherefores about it. Wisdom comes with understanding and I thank you for your explanation.

Get your mate Bill to share the secret of the spring in his step at 85 - It's beaut that at that age he has found a lovely lady to share his life with...hope they enjoy many years of good life together. Does your heart good to see it

[Heather]

Bit of a fisherman, our Nev.