Homework 25-11-13 Primordial legend

[Maureen K Clifford]

Very good Marty - not in the least what I was expecting to come out of those prompts

Typo - line 15 s/b oedema

[warooa]

I was just hoping it wasn't meant to be enema Slasher McGibbon meets Hopoate

I thought that was a great rollick Marty, held me through to the end.

Cheers!

[Neville Briggs]

Please bear with me Marty. Since this is a workshop.
I think it is much better not to give an explanation at the end, or at least the explanation should be planted subtly in the piece so the reader has to work a bit to find it. Trust me, readers of poetry enjoy that effort.

If in the second last stanza you had simply put " his son " where you have the words " the kid " and left out the last stanza, I hope you can believe me that, that would have done the job and satisfied the reader better.

[Glenny Palmer]

...no it doesn't. I really liked finding out that it was his son who did him in...

[Neville Briggs]

Who said the reader was not to find out.

[Glenny Palmer]

..der Neviiillle! I liked the surprise!

[Maureen K Clifford]

Agree with Neville that it would work leaving the last verse off and altering the kid to his son but then also like the repetition of the first verse in the last verse as it ties it all together.

[warooa]

Isn't it great to see Neville Briggs, patron of the AFL (anti-football league) immersing himself in some footbrawling culture

Goodonya Nev! I agree with your tip on the climax . . . it ties it off in a more subtle way.

Marty

[Neville Briggs]

You're on to me Marty P. I was going to say, a poem to appeal to the meatheads, but I wouldn't say a thing like that.

[Glenny Palmer]

Oh der meee Neville. I mis-read your post & thunk you were saying ''the second stanza''..... Yessir, you are correct, & I shoulda had my nanna nap before I mouthed off. XX...