ABPA Homepage

ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

Forum for Modern & Traditional Australian Rhyming Bush Poetry
It is currently Sun May 19, 2013 12:56 am

All times are UTC + 10 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 12:28 pm 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:14 am
Posts: 2630
I went for a walk over to the Woden Cemetary at lunch time and had a look at the remeberance walls that have been erected at some stage , I was taken by the way that the old soldiers were once again placed in ordered ranks , and the many empty places left on walls to be filled by veterans for years to come , I pictured the old veterans as waiting in ranks for their comarades who will follow


The Final parade

In ordered ranks they stand against the starkness of the wall
old diggers who have passed across to answer one last call
with bodies bowed not beaten they will stand beside their mates
For each and every soldier this battallion quietly waits

A piece of brass in memory , old soldiers from old wars
men once young who heard the call and rallied to a cause
who wait for new arrivals on their ordered wall of stone
ensuring that the new blokes are not left to fend alone

The empty walls remind us of the soldiers dying still
while the wars continue we all know these empty spots will fill
Old soldiers from the battles past will wait for those who fall
to take their place in ranks against the starkness of the wall

© Marty Boyce 2011
Attachment:
Memorial (2).jpg


You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.

_________________
Campfires, good company and a few beverages under a night sky , it doesnt get any better than that


Last edited by Martyboy on Thu Mar 24, 2011 3:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 12:57 pm 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:14 pm
Posts: 4480
Location: I AM a purple moderator!
Outstanding Marty. I found it a bit bumpy in places but nonetheless I think it is brilliant. With a bit of punctuation and a slight polish I think you have a stunning poem. Gold star material.

Heather :D

_________________
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:16 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:31 am
Posts: 4444
Location: Ipswich - Paul Pisasale country and home of the Ipswich Poetry Feast
Agree with Heathers take on it Marty... brilliant, although I didn't find the potholes :lol: but did think perhaps this line might be smoother if you just relocated 'once' but consider that to be a speed bump :lol:

Quote:
men once young who heard the call and rallied to a cause


men young once, who heard the call and rallied to a cause

Cheers

Maureen

_________________
Check out The Scribbly Bark Poets blog site here -
http://scribblybarkpoetry.blogspot.com.au/


To the home of a friend the way is never long
the welcome is always warm and the Billy always on.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:32 pm 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:14 pm
Posts: 4480
Location: I AM a purple moderator!
That line has 13 syllables whereas the others all appear to have 14 - little pot hole!

I think it is a brilliant poem. One of your best Marty.

Heather :)

_________________
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:21 pm 
Offline
Site Admin
User avatar

Joined: Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:32 pm
Posts: 1604
Sorry Heather, the 'stress' count is seven, that verse is fine ...

Marty, in the third stanza - fourth verse ...
"to ensure that the new blokes are not left to fend alone "

"ensuring that the new blokes ... " or similar perhaps to smooth it out ??

_________________
"If a picture paints a thousand words - that's Art!
However if a few words paint a thousand pictures - that's POETRY"
(Graham Fredriksen 1956 - 2010)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:33 pm 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:14 pm
Posts: 4480
Location: I AM a purple moderator!
Oops, my mistake. Back to beginners' classes! :oops:

_________________
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:16 pm 
Offline
Site Admin
User avatar

Joined: Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:32 pm
Posts: 1604
NO! ... Advance 2 steps forward for trying to help out ... :)

_________________
"If a picture paints a thousand words - that's Art!
However if a few words paint a thousand pictures - that's POETRY"
(Graham Fredriksen 1956 - 2010)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 5:47 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 9:18 am
Posts: 4590
Location: Yeppoon
Pot holes better report them to the council. do not fix them yourself or you might find yourself in court.

Marty Liked it very much both the way you convey your message and the way the poem flows.

A good read Bob

_________________
The purpose in life is to have fun.
After you grasp that everything else seems insignificant !!!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Jan 08, 2011 10:57 am
Posts: 38
Location: Ballarat
Brilliant Marty!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Final parade
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:57 pm 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:14 am
Posts: 2630
thanks everyone for the feedback , have had a bit of a dry spell of late and cemetarys seem to porvide a bit of inspiration
this one basically wrote itself

Marty

_________________
Campfires, good company and a few beverages under a night sky , it doesnt get any better than that


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 11 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC + 10 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group