Behind Us

[Bellobazza]

G'day Hully...
Beautiful imagery mate...very musical. Crying out to be put to music in my opinion.
Does the butterfly have a name, or am I reading too much into the story?

Cheers, Will.
P.S. Hope you don't mind an observation?
For there was still a world of wonder within to remind us
For me, the rhythm stumbles a little. Might I suggest:
For still a world of wonder gleamed(?) within us to remind us

[Hully]

merv.......I am waiting for a snare drum...ba boom ! ! cheers

Thanks for the observation Will. Not sure that the original line stumbles that badly and the alliteration is nice I think - but thats what i love about words - the endless options for fitting them together...

...and yes she does have a name....



cheers

h

[David J Delaney]

G'day Hully, enjoyed this mate, beautiful use of words, even my Grandaughter likes it.

[Neville Briggs]

Very interesting and good to see an imaginative and different approach.

Will has a point, the normal stress pattern of speech is within....not within.
Something to ponder on I s'ppose, it all depends what was intended, metre is not an exact mathematical science.

[Hully]

...hmmm I can see that now Neville, (and Will)....didn't really think of how the word usually gets said....I must say that I tend to glaze over a bit with all the talk of Metre, 'stressed' and 'unstressed' and I know I should learn the rules better - not for the sake of compliance as I never enter competitions - but because I'm sure there are structures there that my improved knowledge of would improve my writing....one day p'raps.....

having said that - still not changing that line.....

thanks

h

[swaggyjoe]

No need to change a thing Hully, stresses can be pushed as in Lawson's, "The Waterlilly", or Paterson's, "High Countree".

This piece is fine as it is.

SJ.

NB.
________________________________

‘Come, mamma! come!
‘Quick! follow me—
‘Step out on the leaves of the water-lily!’