Underground Railway Station

[Jasper Brush]

HL wrote a poem ‘Faces in the Street’. With a bit of thought I wrote a poem about faces in the underground railway station.





Underground Railway Station



Bobbing heads, eccentric, restive rustling feet
and scintillating colours as people come and go.
For most who walk are strangers, and if friends
do-chance-to meet,
it’s only scant acknowledgement to— so-and-so.

The dank darkened tunnel, the rumble, the pound,
and syncopating rattles from archway to the hall;
with clear glass eyes the phantom hurtles from
the tomb unbound,
with fiery brakes screeching, welcomes one-and-all.

Animated puppets, sweat filled summer days,
and suffocating carriages where luck fills empty seats.
The unfriendly— unnoticed— stand in crowds of
cramped malaise,
bodies tired and worn from the city and the streets.


Wheels slip metal brake shoes, slowly turn on rail
as stimulated motors breathe babbled blatherskite.
Untethered, the silver train moves down the
chequered trail
to vanish, as a ghost— a spirit of the night.

John Macleod

[warooa]

Geez, John . . . cramped malaise, dank and dark, suffocating . . . your poem very eloquently makes one glad to be where they are and not there.

Great to see you on the forum, your contributions are always a pleasure

Cheers, Marty

[Glenny Palmer]

Good one Jasper. You've taught me a new word...YAY! 'blatherskite'...it's a ripper.

An engaging yet unusual poem. I enjoyed it, & I'm with Marty, ever so glad I'm not there. Methinks this will appeal to our Neville.....it has the ring of (good)free verse to it somehow, but cleverly rhymes with rythm, as we are all wont to do on here.
Many thanks
Glenny

[Jasper Brush]

G,day, Marty


You have a great smile, mate.

Yeah. It would be crook to get around in the big smoke--Sydney.

Nothing like the open spaces.

Regards,

John

[Jasper Brush]

G'day Glenny

Yeah. I used some long words(not supposed to).
I managed to keep the poem on the rails.

I don't travel by car to Sybney anymore I cannot handle the traffic and the tollways.

It's a real pleasure to post poems at ABPA everyone is so friendly.
Thank you.

Regards,

John

[Neville Briggs]

As Glenny said, unusual. It's great to be unusual, hopefully that means original. It looks a very original theme to me. I can't remember seeing anywhere a poem about the underground railway, and it's such a feature of city life, in many countries.
Good choice of a theme


Just one thing that may or may not be worth considering. In stanza 1, there are almost two lines before we reach a verb which only relates to one preceding noun. In stanza 2 there are almost three lines before a verb and that only relates to one noun, " the phantom "
That might be keeping things up in the air a bit too long. I don't know, what do you think ?

[Glenny Palmer]

Hey Neville. I reckon having to hang on for the verbs gives it appeal....sort of resonates with the theme. That's what I reckon anyway. I like it that way. I think that's clever.

Cheeers
Glenny

[Jasper Brush]

G’day, Neville.


Just one thing that may or may not be worth considering. In stanza 1, there are almost two lines before we reach a verb which only relates to one preceding noun. In stanza 2 there are almost three lines before a verb and that only relates to one noun, “the phantom "
That might be keeping things up in the air a bit too long. I don't know, what do you think ?

Well, my poem doesn’t start too well. Poetic licence.
Stanza 1
I use bobbing an ‘intransitive verb’ as an adjective. Yep as a poet I can do that.
In line two the present tense verb ‘come’ relates to the ‘subject’ people, whilst ‘go’ even though it is past tense becomes a present tense adjective.

Stanza 2

Stanza two is an uninterrupted flow like the clattering of a train in a tunnel.
Yep, we get to the word ‘hurtles’ before we find a definition. A build-up of sound and movement before the train emerges from the tunnel.

Bang! Bang! Rattle! Rattle! Whoosh.

Glass eyes (noun-noun) the (definite article, adj) phantom (noun)— Verb hurtles.

I used an extended description of sound and movement in stanza 2. Whereas in Stanza 1 there are a couple of statements.

Overall I tried to keep my poetry theme as view of an underground railway station at peak hour; with the concept of weary travellers.

My friend, I tried (maybe I failed) to get into Henry’s groove as he looked out his window at the faces in the street.

Regards,

John

[Jasper Brush]

G'day, Glenny.


George Gordon Byron

The Destruction of Sennacherib


The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on the Galilee.


What a fabulous opening stanza. What an epic piece of poetry.

Now Byron gets stuck into it. The (definite article) Assyrian (noun) came (verb). Poof, finished.

Boom, a defined statement. 'The big fella came down.' And he was a mean bastard,



down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on the Galilee.


Now look at the wonderful imagery. What a great poet.

The first verse in this great poem is one statement. So I really do not see where a line count comes into the equation.

Regards,

John

[Maureen K Clifford]

OMG without getting into the technicalities can I just say I like it?

Neville I havent had my first cup of coffee yet and can't do an English lesson without it

If you wan't to hide your verbs John you go full steam ahead - if they relate to the Phantom that makes perfect sense to me, after all if they were floating around in view they would hardly be phantom - like would they? It's OK I used to be a blonde

John - I liked it and I'm with you on the train travelling for the same reasons.

Cheers

Maureen