Tempest

Maureen K Clifford · Post by **Maureen K Clifford** » Sat Jan 21, 2012 3:56 pm

BEAUTIFUL. what a capture Marty - I really like this and the slightly different rhyming style works really well....Paul Kelly has some magic lines in his songs doesn't he?

Cheers

Maureen

Neville Briggs · Post by **Neville Briggs** » Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:05 pm

Very good Marty. To use a series of questions like that, I think is a fine approach.

There seems to be a slight uncertainty that you haven't quite answered the questions and I think that is a very good effect.
Suggestion rather than spelling out is a good approach I think.

There's enough there to catch the imagination of the reader, they can fill the rest in themselves. That's good, it engages the reader/listener.

Robyn · Post by **Robyn** » Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:43 pm

I can picture it Marty, IMO you've captured it well. Lovely!
One suggestion, which of course you can take or leave, is perhaps in the last line of the second verse, replace knowing full well with understanding. If I were performing this poem, I think I would stumble over full wellas I wouldn't intuitively know which one to stress. But perhaps that's just me...
Robyn

Maureen K Clifford · Post by **Maureen K Clifford** » Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:08 pm

Still beautiful.

Maureen K Clifford · Post by **Maureen K Clifford** » Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:10 pm

Yes Marty and that's the hard bit and by the way we know each other well enough now

that you could just call me Maureen

don't you think

I doubt the other one will mind

Robyn · Post by **Robyn** » Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:54 pm

Good on you Marty!
I like the changes you have made.
Just a couple of small points: in verse 3, I think you mean hues, and in the same verse, nature's needs an apostrophe.
Hope you don't mind me being picky, I know it's not in a workshop, but if it were me I'd like to know.
Cheers
Robyn

Robyn · Post by **Robyn** » Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:00 am

I like it better each time Marty!
I particularly like the lines:

Ever noticed there is not a sound but stillness in the air
and
droplets magnify the colours of each leaf

Each of those lines makes me think, oh yes, I've noticed tht too, but I hadn't thought of it until you wrote it.

I also like the word animating, but the stresses seem a bit forced to me.
Cheers
Robyn

Post by **Heather** » Tue Jan 31, 2012 2:53 pm

Very nice Marty. A bit different from your usual style. Just one typo - hews should be hues

Heather

Post by **Heather** » Tue Jan 31, 2012 3:04 pm

I know, I know, I've been trying to find my way through them all and I'm totally confused!

ABPA - Australian Bush Poets Association

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