Homework week ended 20-2-2012 Reflections

[Neville Briggs]

You're quick off the mark Marty.

The matter of quay and day I believe, is not a matter of right and wrong. I think it could be called a sight rhyme, and there's nothing illegal about that. It's a matter of preference. Some people don't like sight rhymes, (some people don't like beer ! )

You might need to think about the repeated use of the word reflections. I'm not sure, that's a difficult one to pronounce judgement on. Just my gut feeling that a bit of variety might strengthen the verse.

You've got some good active voice ( things doing things ) .

I am trying to learn, and I have to keep reminding myself that I should accept that the symbol or image is adequate and will stand on its own.
What I mean by that is; e.g. do you need to say " reflected on still water ". maybe " reflected on the water " is enough, and you have explained in stanza 2 that the water is like mirrored glass. That does the job.
Do you need to say " gentle scenes " maybe just scenes, and again you have given the image of the pelican, so that does the job of showing the gentleness of the scene, maybe you don't need the adjective " gentle "

Do you know what I mean. We have to decide whether we need to tell and show.
There's no rule that I know of, you can tell and show if you think that is needed, but if you do a good job of showing, maybe you don't need to tell, it's already done.

One miniscule bit of pedantry. Pallet is the wooden tray for forklifts. Palette is the artist's selection of colours.

I won't go on any more.
I hope I didn't go on too much. It is a workshop, so I get enthused to discuss.

Good to see you having a go. A lot of promise there. Keep up the good work.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Neville...Marty might have had heavy paint and needed a forklift

Seriously (putting serious face on and removing clown mask) I like how you have explained that Neville - food for thought IMO for all of us.

Cheers

Maureen

[Neville Briggs]

Thanks Maureen.

That looks good to me Marty. The main thing is, are you happier with it ?

Sorry ...one other thing, the last line is a bit hard to get, straight off.
I wonder if there is another word that gives the meaning clearer than " pared " It's your call.

[Neville Briggs]

OK.

[Bob Pacey]

I think in that concept it fits well Marty, I'd already had to look up the meaning.

I did however assume incorrectly that his wife had passed on and it was a bit like the lament in the song " A Daisy A Day ".

A good exhibition of your gentler side and a good read and story line.


Bob

[Maureen K Clifford]

I rather liked the use of 'pared' Marty as I was thinking you had also chosen it as a word play on them as a couple - 'paired'. I also was reading this as the other partner having passed away, not that it makes any difference to the poem because people are always going to put their own interpretation on things they read anyway.

[Zondrae]

G'day Marty,

May I be miss picky picky? You have come a long way, by the way. I can see you have been listening to the 'ones who know' (I do not including myself ). The main thing that I will mention is, again punctuation and.. if it were my poem, which it isn't, so ignore my if you are happy with it... but the final stanza - you have repeated a couple of words. As I said, I would not do this eg 'scenes' and 'together' both used twice in two lines. Perhaps one of the 'scenes' could become 'sights' and The only thing that springs to mind in place of 'life together that .' is 'A coupled life that '. Mind you I haven't even looked at the stress pattern so I could be way off.

It is also a well used tool to have repetitive words or phrases for impact but I didn't think this was what you had in mind. (or you would have done it more often and in a deliberate pattern).