G'day All,
He's a soapy one done long time ago. Again all comments welcome........
I Wish To Become
Solitude of loneliness fills this troubled heart;
distance always keeps us always apart
An emptiness scars within my soul
My half thoughts drain into this deepest hole,
dreams of illusion drowning those remaining thoughts
A wishful total love, now drags and contorts
This room becomes my prison, bodily from behind,
uncomfortable chair of torn padding, cotton and twine
Oil paintings of colour, of known image, help define
Fireplace, flames flicker, embers now climb
Leather bound books of words make me lose time,
yet, haunting thoughts of you just fill my mind
Light from the window now poor at best
The sun sinks very low, how I detest
An evening's mists haunts, twists and floats,
this fool now tormented by the devils ghoulish gloats
The nightmare of sweats sheet my troubled brow,
where are you, my angel, help me now!
Listlessness of my body now shakes and shivers,
restlessness limbs, savorer please deliver
Lightning summons the heavens great storm,
booms of thunder rattles all near earthly forms
Torment fills dreams now of past and new
Yet, restfulness is lost unless I'm asleep with you
Winds come, curtains form their ghostly dance,
half visions, fractured dreams, a lonely trance
Empty frames with no photos grace these papered walls,
dust shadows show squares of nothing at all
Candle flames hint ,a glow, a dance and illuminate but,
their dripping cries, knows suffering, and my fate
A grasp of thought, but calls from my tormentors elate
My dream is sad, emptiness, afraid its all too late
loves Image of you are nowhere to be seen,
this broken heart wounds deep, so it seems
Frustrating and difficult, eyes full of grey dreams
Your love has left me, heart of empty, now I'm done
My new angel, love is needed, I wish to become.
© By PHIL ANTHONY
I Wish To Become.
-
r.magnay
- Posts: 1405
- Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:41 pm
- Location: Port Lincoln SA
Re: I Wish To Become.
G'day Phil,
I think the fact that you have used 'always' twice in the second line needs attention, to me it gets the whole poem off to a stumbley start, maybe you could substitute the second one with 'far' or 'well' or something. What do you reckon?
I think the fact that you have used 'always' twice in the second line needs attention, to me it gets the whole poem off to a stumbley start, maybe you could substitute the second one with 'far' or 'well' or something. What do you reckon?
Ross
-
LongMan
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 12:41 pm
Re: I Wish To Become.
G'day R. magnay,
Gee, you know I never noticed it. Your absolutely right. I guess I need to be more careful. I know this work seems a bit cliche but what do you think? This was written several years ago just as a lark. I taken notice and ...... I've corrected some of the words and they are shown in redish.
I Wish To Become
Solitude of loneliness fills this troubled heart;
distance always keeps us forever apart
An emptiness scars within my soul
My half thoughts drain into this deepest hole,
dreams of illusion drowning those remaining thoughts
A wishful total love, now drags and contorts.
This room becomes my prison, bodily from behind,
uncomfortable chair of torn padding, cotton and twine
Oil paintings of colour, of known image, help define
Fireplace, flames flicker, embers now climb
Leather bound books of words make me lose time,
yet, haunting thoughts of you just fill my mind
Light from the window now poor at best
The sun sinks very low, how I detest
An evening's mists haunts, twists and floats,
this fool now tormented by the devils ghoulish gloats
The nightmare of sweats sheet my troubled brow,
where are you, my angel, help me now!
Listlessness of my body now shakes and shivers,
restlessness limbs, savorer please deliver
Lightning summons the heavens great storm,
booms of thunder rattles all near earthly forms
Torment fills dreams now of past and new
Yet, restfulness is lost unless I'm asleep with you
Winds come, curtains form their ghostly dance,
half visions, fractured dreams, a lonely trance
Empty frames with no photos grace these papered walls,
dust shadows show squares of nothing at all
Candle flames hint, a glow, a dance and illuminate,
but their dripping cries, knows suffering, and my fate
A grasp of thought, but calls from my tormentors elate
My dream is sad, emptiness, afraid its all too late
loves Image of you are nowhere to be seen,
this broken heart wounds deep, so it seems
Frustrating and difficult, eyes full of grey dreams
Your love has left me, heart of empty, now I'm done
My new angel, love is needed, I wish to become.
© By PHIL ANTHONY
Gee, you know I never noticed it. Your absolutely right. I guess I need to be more careful. I know this work seems a bit cliche but what do you think? This was written several years ago just as a lark. I taken notice and ...... I've corrected some of the words and they are shown in redish.
I Wish To Become
Solitude of loneliness fills this troubled heart;
distance always keeps us forever apart
An emptiness scars within my soul
My half thoughts drain into this deepest hole,
dreams of illusion drowning those remaining thoughts
A wishful total love, now drags and contorts.
This room becomes my prison, bodily from behind,
uncomfortable chair of torn padding, cotton and twine
Oil paintings of colour, of known image, help define
Fireplace, flames flicker, embers now climb
Leather bound books of words make me lose time,
yet, haunting thoughts of you just fill my mind
Light from the window now poor at best
The sun sinks very low, how I detest
An evening's mists haunts, twists and floats,
this fool now tormented by the devils ghoulish gloats
The nightmare of sweats sheet my troubled brow,
where are you, my angel, help me now!
Listlessness of my body now shakes and shivers,
restlessness limbs, savorer please deliver
Lightning summons the heavens great storm,
booms of thunder rattles all near earthly forms
Torment fills dreams now of past and new
Yet, restfulness is lost unless I'm asleep with you
Winds come, curtains form their ghostly dance,
half visions, fractured dreams, a lonely trance
Empty frames with no photos grace these papered walls,
dust shadows show squares of nothing at all
Candle flames hint, a glow, a dance and illuminate,
but their dripping cries, knows suffering, and my fate
A grasp of thought, but calls from my tormentors elate
My dream is sad, emptiness, afraid its all too late
loves Image of you are nowhere to be seen,
this broken heart wounds deep, so it seems
Frustrating and difficult, eyes full of grey dreams
Your love has left me, heart of empty, now I'm done
My new angel, love is needed, I wish to become.
© By PHIL ANTHONY
-
r.magnay
- Posts: 1405
- Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:41 pm
- Location: Port Lincoln SA
Re: I Wish To Become.
Phil,
To me you are still trying to the same thing twice in the one line, forever has too many syllables for me and still makes me stumble over that line, if you prefer forever to always you could replace the first always with forever and the second with far or well!
...distance always keeps us far apart (This would be my choice)
...distance forever keeps us far apart
To me you are still trying to the same thing twice in the one line, forever has too many syllables for me and still makes me stumble over that line, if you prefer forever to always you could replace the first always with forever and the second with far or well!
...distance always keeps us far apart (This would be my choice)
...distance forever keeps us far apart
Ross
-
LongMan
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 12:41 pm
Re: I Wish To Become.
G'day R. Magnay,
Yep your right I think I should change it to "far". It sounds much better and in context.
Thanks again and here is the corrected work.
I Wish To Become
Solitude of loneliness fills this troubled heart;
distance always keeps us far apart
An emptiness scars within my soul
My half thoughts drain into this deepest hole,
dreams of illusion drowning those remaining thoughts
A wishful total love, now drags and contorts.
This room becomes my prison, bodily from behind,
uncomfortable chair of torn padding, cotton and twine
Oil paintings of colour, of known image, help define
Fireplace, flames flicker, embers now climb
Leather bound books of words make me lose time,
yet, haunting thoughts of you just fill my mind
Light from the window now poor at best
The sun sinks very low, how I detest
An evening's mists haunts, twists and floats,
this fool now tormented by the devils ghoulish gloats
The nightmare of sweats sheet my troubled brow,
where are you, my angel, help me now!
Listlessness of my body now shakes and shivers,
restlessness limbs, savorer please deliver
Lightning summons the heavens great storm,
booms of thunder rattles all near earthly forms
Torment fills dreams now of past and new
Yet, restfulness is lost unless I'm asleep with you
Winds come, curtains form their ghostly dance,
half visions, fractured dreams, a lonely trance
Empty frames with no photos grace these papered walls,
dust shadows show squares of nothing at all
Candle flames hint, a glow, a dance and illuminate,
but their dripping cries, knows suffering, and my fate
A grasp of thought, but calls from my tormentors elate
My dream is sad, emptiness, afraid its all too late
loves Image of you are nowhere to be seen,
this broken heart wounds deep, so it seems
Frustrating and difficult, eyes full of grey dreams
Your love has left me, heart of empty, now I'm done
My new angel, love is needed, I wish to become.
© By PHIL ANTHONY
So what do you think now? Is there anything else you'd like to change?
PHIL
Yep your right I think I should change it to "far". It sounds much better and in context.
Thanks again and here is the corrected work.
I Wish To Become
Solitude of loneliness fills this troubled heart;
distance always keeps us far apart
An emptiness scars within my soul
My half thoughts drain into this deepest hole,
dreams of illusion drowning those remaining thoughts
A wishful total love, now drags and contorts.
This room becomes my prison, bodily from behind,
uncomfortable chair of torn padding, cotton and twine
Oil paintings of colour, of known image, help define
Fireplace, flames flicker, embers now climb
Leather bound books of words make me lose time,
yet, haunting thoughts of you just fill my mind
Light from the window now poor at best
The sun sinks very low, how I detest
An evening's mists haunts, twists and floats,
this fool now tormented by the devils ghoulish gloats
The nightmare of sweats sheet my troubled brow,
where are you, my angel, help me now!
Listlessness of my body now shakes and shivers,
restlessness limbs, savorer please deliver
Lightning summons the heavens great storm,
booms of thunder rattles all near earthly forms
Torment fills dreams now of past and new
Yet, restfulness is lost unless I'm asleep with you
Winds come, curtains form their ghostly dance,
half visions, fractured dreams, a lonely trance
Empty frames with no photos grace these papered walls,
dust shadows show squares of nothing at all
Candle flames hint, a glow, a dance and illuminate,
but their dripping cries, knows suffering, and my fate
A grasp of thought, but calls from my tormentors elate
My dream is sad, emptiness, afraid its all too late
loves Image of you are nowhere to be seen,
this broken heart wounds deep, so it seems
Frustrating and difficult, eyes full of grey dreams
Your love has left me, heart of empty, now I'm done
My new angel, love is needed, I wish to become.
© By PHIL ANTHONY
So what do you think now? Is there anything else you'd like to change?
PHIL