Homework w/e 5.8.13 - HEADS UP

[Maureen K Clifford]

HEADS UP

Maureen Clifford ©
The Scribbly Bark Poet




He came to visit unannounced – the stock and station agent,
“Just passing by” he said as he walked in.
“I thought I’d check to see if you were sending stock on Monday?
I don’t mind if I do” he said as Jack bought out the Bundy.
Had to talk a little louder to be heard above the din
of working dogs all barking loudly, kicking up a fuss
which they did if anyone came round or if they thought them suss.

He sat there wearing blue jeans and a pink shirt somewhat crumpled,
sweat stained and dusty. Working bloke’s attire.
He’d just come from the feedlot, all their stock was looking healthy.
A truck and dog of fodder came; it helped if you were wealthy
as drought hit hard making the feed expensive to acquire.
The feedlot planned to send a thousand yearlings to the yards.
He suggested Jack hold his stock back from this sale – times were hard.

Jack thanked him for the heads up. Every dollar these days counted
and prices dropped when the road trains came in.
Too many head of stock for sale, far too late then to whinge or wail
when hammer dropped on prices low. ‘twas just another nail
that helped to close the lid real tight on the farms final coffin.
He’d hold his stock back Monday – but for now time was invested
in two upturned glasses of rum. Bundy, slowly ingested.

[Neville Briggs]

Goodonya Maureen.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Thanks Nev - I'm not real happy with it - I knew where I wanted it to go but it didn't work really well - might have to put a bit more time into I think. I was looking to work on a different (for me) rhyming scheme as in ABCCBDD which I have but???? Any suggestions will be gratefully received.

[Neville Briggs]

I don't know where you wanted to go Maureen, so I can't comment on your success in that regard

It sounds fine to me.
I think ( following on advice from experts ) that rhyme should be as unobtrusive as you can make it. Clanging, Dr Seuss type rhyme tends to draw attention to itself and the rhyme becomes and end in itself.
I think that by getting away from the usual clanging rhyme, you have made this one here a more natural sounding speech, which in my book is a good result.

Except, for a cultured gentleman like me I would never rhyme Monday and Bundy.

[Maureen K Clifford]

Well I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with xxxx Neville

[Glenny Palmer]

Hey Mausey...the pink shirt worries me a tad....

[Maureen K Clifford]

Probably worries them too but its their uniform - might have started out red and faded

[Glenny Palmer]

...well I suppose I can't talk Maureen...after all, I started out pink...and faded!

[william williams]

Yes Glenny when you get out of a hot shower your still pink

bill the old b

[Glenny Palmer]

..and just how do you know that William???