Funny Christmas Poems

[Zondrae]

G'day everyone,

Any suggestions for a funny poem to read at a Lions Club Christmas party?. preferable by a known writer. I have a couple of Christmas poems of my own but they are not funny. I think I need a funny one to end with.

[Stephen Whiteside]

Hi, Zondrae. You're welcome to use this. I'm not very well known, it isn't very funny, it's probably more for children than adults, and I won't be in the least offended if you don't want to use it.


The Year We Hosted Christmas

Well, we’ve hosted the Olympics. We have our own Grand Prix.
We’ll have the soccer World Cup too, one day. Just wait and see,
But have you heard the story (‘cause it isn’t widely known)
Of how we hosted Christmas once, and made it all our own?

Now Santa’s at the North Pole, right? We all know this is true.
Well, once we made an offer - hospitality “True Blue”.
We’d place him in a humpy in the mulga back of Burke,
And Santa said he thought the plan would be a mighty lurk!

We said, “Don’t bring the reindeer. They will struggle in the heat.
We’ll provide a team of bullocks. You will find they can’t be beat.
Leave the padded suit behind. You’ve likely heard reports.
You’ll only need a singlet, and a baggy pair of shorts.

“You’d better bring the elves, though. We know you’ve lots of work.
There isn’t much technology the other side of Burke.
Don’t fear we’ll blow your cover. The population’s thin.
It really will not matter if your hammers make a din."

So Santa came in January. He had a holiday.
He brought his elves, and all his gear, and settled down to stay.
He found conditions challenging - the heat, the dust, the flies,
But we gave him an Akubra hat to help him shield his eyes.

And as he worked and worked beneath the unforgiving sun,
He sweated off a lot of weight, and found when year was done
He was like a wiry stockman, for his skin had turned to brown,
And nobody’d have recognised him if he’d come to town.

At last the time arrived for him to pack his sleigh and leave.
He didn’t want to leave our land. He paused a while to grieve.
He loved our sunburnt country, but duty called, of course,
So he mustered all the bullocks. (Yes, he’d learnt to ride a horse!)

So wiry Santa Stockman, he headed off once more,
On Christmas Eve to hand out gifts on every distant shore.
The bullocks did a mighty job. Their task, indeed, was large,
For they towed a second sleigh, just like a Murray River barge

Which carried all the elves, you see. They wouldn’t stay behind
(Though we offered them a special trip, and said we didn’t mind).
The bullocks did so well, in fact, we let him keep the team.
He said the sleigh, with them up front, just handled like a dream.

In time, he said, they grew a long thick coat to insulate
Them from the frozen polar clime. He said they looked just great,
And if by chance you catch a glimpse above your window sill
Of Santa’s sleigh you’ll see, in fact, it’s pulled by bullocks still!

© Stephen Whiteside 20.12.08

[Vic Jefferies]

G'day Zondrae,

Feel free to use this if you consider it suitable:

THE SOUNDS OF CHRISTMAS EVE
(© Vic Jefferies - 2002.)

The hour was late - the house was quiet
blessed silence reigned supreme,
till through that warm December night
sped the nemesis of my dream.

"Daaad! There is someone on the roof,
I can hear him walking round.
Dad, listen there’s the proof,
he's making a jingling sound!"

"Please go to sleep young Jimmy
there is no one up above.
Now go to sleep dear Jimmy,
lest you test your father's love."

"Daaad! I just saw a reindeer's face -
there's another one going past!
I think they have found our place,
I think Santa's here at last!"

"There are no reindeer out there son,
it is the shadows of the trees,
so go to sleep my darling one,
Father's asking nicely, plee-ease."

"Daaad!" "What is it little Jimmy,
now why is it that you call?"
"Dad, I need to do a wee
but there's someone in the hall!"

"That would make five wees or more
since I sent you off to bed,
I suggest you commence to snore -
Father's face is turning red!"

"Daaa..." " I'll spiflicate him Mary!
If once more I hear him say....."
"You cannot spiflicate him Harry -
well at least not on Christmas Day."

At last the Sandman won the fight
and closed little Jimmy’s eyes,
and we slept for the rest of the night,
at least till the sun began to rise!

Then came the sound of muffled glee,
of fingers fumbling with paper and string
of "Oohs!" and "Aahs!" and "Golly Gee!
He's brought me everything!"

Then as I stumbled from my bed
towards the shining Christmas tree,
I found a strange note that said,
"Please accept my apology.

Now we have so much to do
we have to travel very fast,
so we started our run with you
instead of leaving you till last.

Sorry about the sleep you lost
and the noise made by the sleigh;
just consider it part of the cost
for the smiles of your boy today.

And Dad, sometimes a little noise
is worth the loss of one night’s sleep,
when it’s caused by girls and boys
creating memories for us to keep.”

Vic Jefferies

[keats]

Hi Zondrae, you can edit this one to suit if you like!

Neil

Yeah, Christmas Time is here again
What a pain in the bum
Coming from my wallet
making my feelings numb

And once a year we have to give
Those gifts to one and other
It makes you glad that Jesus never
Had a sister or brother!

Sometimes I give folks my CD
Sometimes I write a poem
Or I gave their gift to charity
('cause charity begins at home)

I curse that bloody stable
And I curse Santa too
I curse the shops, the credit card
And bloody children too!

And that bloody Christmas dinner
Plum pudding, Turkey, Ham
Hell, I'd crucify somebody
For some Barbied Snags or lamb!

And those noisy midget children
Screaming in your ear
Can only be negated by
Some Bourbon and some Beer

Grandpa's bloody snoring
passing wind into his chair
While his dentures balance threateningly
As we take bets and stare

So I up and leave the party
Walk home on wobbly legs
For tomorrow I must hit hit the shops
And start buying Easter Eggs!

So to all you Christmas Revelers
Enjoy your Christmas Day
And a simple wish for New Year
Please make Christmas go away!!

©Neil McArthur 2010

[Zondrae]

Gee thanks fellas

What I expected was a reference to something by a long dead bard not a wonderful smorgasbord of contemporary offerings. I still would like a classic if there is one. Mind you they only want 20 minutes. I will hardly get through an intro in that time.

[Stephen Whiteside]

There's always "I'm walking Backwards for Christmas" by Spike Milligan...

[Stephen Whiteside]

"A Bush Christmas" by C. J. Dennis is also a great poem, though it's not especially funny.

[Stephen Whiteside]

"The Fire at Ross's Farm" by Henry Lawson is probably my favourite Christmas poem. Again, not funny, but incredibly moving.

[manfredvijars]

Winter Wonderland

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say "Are you married ?", We'll say " No man,
But you can do the job when you're in town."

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

[Zondrae]

G'day Oh Fearless Leader,

You are the fearless one .... not me.
l be run out of town if I tried that one at the LIons Club luncheon!

But it did give me a chuckle.

Thanks Stephen, This is more in the line of what I was looking for. In fact I thought there was poem called "A Bush Christmas" but I wasn't sure who wrote it.