The Cleaving

[Glenny Palmer]

I have just read David's amaazing poem 'Darken The Night' and the subsequent comments on poem suitability for our Bush Poetry written competitions, which got me thinking about a poem of mine. It's certainly not the calibre of David's poem, but nonetheless seems to have repeatedly had the most underwhelming response in competitions. Well...no response actually. It is a type of 'lost love' poem that hints at unacceptable behaviour that can cause relationships to fail. Perhaps it's too vague...or perceived as too 'personal'? Given that it seems to be destined to never succeed in a comp I share it here in the interests of further discussion, regarding just what will, & will not be seen as 'acceptable' for our competitions.

‘The Cleaving’ Glenny Palmer © 2009

When the haunting mist of the dawning trysts
with the phantom forest nigh,
while the creatures sleep in a secret keep
ere the dreaming sun creeps high,
and the subtle blush from the artist’s brush
spreads a flush of pink on the rye,
will your thoughts bestir, will resolve defer,
will you think of her…and sigh.

When you hike the fell in your flight from hell
and you fight the swelling cry
of a martyred heart in a world apart
from the ardent days gone by,
while the blackbird sings to your broken wings
til it rings in your soul to fly,
will you heed the call, will you breach the fall
or remember her…and sigh.

Where the river wends through the shivered bends
in the snow kissed glens of Skye,
where the naked trees form a sacred frieze
to appease your grieving eye,
is there no release in your quest for peace
does your feeble heart mollify
a defeated love; like a frightened dove
will you flail or will you fly.

When your thoughts rebound to the sunbaked ground
where the bounding roos pass by,
and her flaming hair like the blazing air
was a beacon to imply
there a passion burned that would ne’er return
once decreed to wilt and to die,
do you wonder yet, do you nurse regret
or in dreaming question, ‘Why?’

For the day must come when a man can’t run
from his demon’s evil lie,
when the veil must lift from a conscious shift,
bid his reason rectify
the defective course with select remorse,
his compassion grow, multiply,
ere he greets his tomb in eternal doom
for a creed he’d justify.

While the Wattles bloom under southern moon
in the womb of southern sky,
and the northern snow in the dawning glow
is a morning lullaby,
do you think anew of the inner you
does the bond still cling, mystify,
how a wild haired girl with a flaming curl
will remember you…and cry.

[alongtimegone]

That is really beautiful Glenny. I love the language. I'm a very infrequent contributor to competitions, but I think in the interests of expanding the scope of acceptance of aussie poems, competition organizers should welcome poems like yours and David's.

And by the way ... He should have married her. I would have.

Wazza

[Bob Pacey]

Why is it called Cleaving Glenny ?

Would be interesting to see how it would flair with a name change and a few slight tickles in the wording.


Perhaps The Shearers Lost Love, or lost Love Outback ?

there is a mention of roos and maybe Magpie sings instead of Blackbird ( which sounds English ? )

and

While the wattles bloom under Southern Cross ?

Interesting that it has not done better


Bob

[Glenny Palmer]

Thank you Wazza. And BTW...he kept asking, but she wouldn't have it.

[Glenny Palmer]

I hear what you are saying Bob. And thanks for the feedback. It's called 'The Cleaving' because 'cleave' means both to bind together as well as carve apart, which is exactly the essence of the story.
'Blackbird' is designed to sound English...as (hopefully) the poem tells of his flight back to his homeland's wanderings. ('Skye.) If the wattles bloomed under a 'Southern Cross' I would lose the consistent Alliteration...and 'cross' has few lyrical rhymes, to try to adapt.

Yeah Bob. I was hoping for at least a mention from it....but there ya go. I also agree with your prior assertions about having the same judge year in & year out. He/she may be a highly skilled person but the interpretation of poems is a very individual thing, & I feel it is best to alternate wherever possible...and to have at least 2 judges on the job. I think that realises a broader result. Having said that, I still haven't had the resources to find a 2nd judge for croc's little comp....and that is likely the problem for a lot of organisers. I do not approve of any judge, regardless of reputation, who makes discouraging comments on submitted poems. It's just as easy to kindly suggest change, in my view.

Ta again mate.

[Neville Briggs]

the "flaming hair " is a dead giveaway

Who knows Glenny, why some are in and some are out. I had one rejected once, I changed the title and resubmitted it to another comp and got an award.

It's a difficult thing to say but (I have to remind myself too ) that it can be a trap to write things that are clear in the mind of the writer but appear cryptic to the reader.
I don't see why personal things can't be a part of bush poetry but I think that the personal has to mean something to the reader or listener. A personal code known only to oneself might be too hard for competition assessment. But then Dylan Thomas wrote in very cryptic personal musings, and they loved him.
Perhaps we should just write what comes out and let the others make of it what they will.

[warooa]

Love it Glenny, love that internal rhyme that is so hard to harness and bring into the fold at the same time as making it secondary to the story - sort of supplementary and not even half recognizing it - reckon you've nailed it there. And very good points you mention Bob. Sometime a subtle change in name can as you've mentioned may be enough.

I just love the fact you've shared this, Glenny and irregardless of how well it has faired in comps its appreciation is is felt well and truly here.

Cheers, Marty

[Glenny Palmer]

the "flaming hair " is a dead giveaway

Yeah...it runs in my family Neville. My sister had a whale of a time with that chap. (BTW he did return from his wanderings...& spent the rest of his life with her. I so love a happy ending.)

"Perhaps we should just write what comes out and let the others make of it what they will."

My thoughts exactly Nev. I wouldn't disturb the integrity of any of my poems simply to bend it into line for a competition. But given your experience of picking up an award, after you changed the Title, seems to validate Bob's suggestion in that regard. Curious, eh?

Oh thank you Marty. I've been feeling so sorry for this baby of mine. We all like to see our little ones get their school certificates, and this little one was bereft. I am so pleased that you like it. I've always thought it is nigh on impossible to effectively evaluate your own (poetry) work. And you can't confidently rely upon non-writer friends & family (bless their generous souls) so your kind words mean a lot.

[Heather]

Very mysterious Glenny and I love some of those lines.....allot I doubt it would do any good in bush world competitions, the rules being such as they are. But does it really matter? There is life outside bushworld. It's a lovely poem, it's yours, it means something to you, and don't change the title for quids. I often find the title is one of the hardest thing to think of.

Heather

[Glenny Palmer]

Hellooo Heather. Thanks muchly, love. Yes I agree. The world doesn't spin upon a competition axis.

Matt....goodness me. Me 'at won't fit me 'ead now. (thank you)