Far Horizons

[Terry]

Thanks David,
It's always helpful if someone like yourself with good knowledge of the style of poetry being attempted, is kind enough to take the time like you have here, and and give an example using a few of the original lines to explain what you mean.

I started by at first having the lines broken into smaller segments (for want of a better explanation) but old habits took over.
There were times when I thought that by adding a rhyme or two and a bit of tweaking it might make a better lyric.

I was aware that that I was probably over doing the descriptive bit, and using far too many words, but old habits are hard to change.

It's probably fairly obvious that I have read very little free verse and what I have read I have tended to skip over most times. More recently I have read a couple of poems carefully and have realized that a lot of thought has been put into the writing and it needs to be read in a similar manner.

The main purpose of this effort was to try and gain a few pointers, that's why I asked for comments.
Hopefully my next effort will be a pace or two further down the track than this one.

Cheers and thanks again David your advise is appreciated.

Terry

[Terry]

Hi Maureen

You snuck that in while I was answering Davids.

I was hoping to get some suggestions so thanks for taking the trouble.
It looks good, so I will have a proper look at it shortly and see If I can glean a few more pointers.

Cheers Terry

[Heather]

Terry I love that your poem has opened up a lively discussion that we can all learn from - hopefully. Look at what Hully did in his poem about Milthorpe - you get the picture without all the extra words. David, as always is so generous with his time and suggestions.

Heather

[Terry]

That's why I asked for comment Heather

I knew that it was in sort of no man's land and neither one thing or the other,
But I feel I have learned enough form this to at least take a few tentative steps in the right direction.
The ultimate test will be whether I feel I will enjoy writing this form of poetry - but that will take time.
I'm also keen to try writing a few more lyrics as well.

Looking at what I have written so far, probably Eucalyptus, although far from perfect, is the closest to being something like Free Verse.

Terry

[Terry]

Maureen I did answer your post but somehow the answer got in front of your post.

Terry

[Bob Pacey]

That's called FREE POSTING Terry.


Just stick it in anywhere.





Bob

[Shelley Hansen]

Hi Terry

I "dips me lid" to David - as always he has zeroed into just the right spot. I said your poem worked for me, but (forgive me), David's recrafting of it does work so much better. Like you, I tend to overwrite the free verse, and then when I read one that is superbly crafted, I always wish I'd written mine like that

Onward and upward ... and Matt, I'm sorry but you can't say it's bad without saying why !!! We need to know how and where to improve.

Cheers
Shelley

[Terry]

Thanks Shelley

In fairness to Matt, there was probably so much wrong with it he wouldn't know where to start.

Terry

[mummsie]

Thank you for leading the way to this discussion Terry. Like others have stated, we are so lucky to have the likes of David to guide us when tackling something new. I, too, like the way he has "rearranged" your words Terry. The "romance", although depicted in the original, has now taken on a different air. Thank you David and thank you fellow forum users for forging this discussion. It's great to see.

Cheers
Sue

[Terry]

How about this - far from perfect but perhaps a bit closer?


I see it now
our old campsite.
A patched up tent
shady trees
and you my love,
all those years ago.