AUTUMNS REPOSE

[Maureen K Clifford]

Ginko, liquidamber,ash, oak, japanese maple ....but having said that Sue's poem mentions Autumn trees, so one might presume that it was a collection of different species of deciduous trees, IMO the particular variety isn't required to add to the picture ...this is the picture that popped into my head reading Sue's poem

Quart pot creek Stanthorpe Autumn colours.jpg

[mummsie]

You have captured it well Maureen. Autumn in all its glory. Resplendent!!!! A beautiful time of year.

[Shelley Hansen]

I like it Sue and you have the makings of a couple of really good metaphorical comparisons here. Can I be cheeky like Heather and make a couple of suggestions?

I would use "dancing even in death" because alliteration always works well. Then I would replace "dancing" on the next line with maybe "curling". Again, you could maximise alliteration. Oh, what the heck - I'll show you what I mean ...

Autumn trees
bearing gifts of natural consequence.
Falling leaves, dancing even in death.
Curling
changing
cavorting
cheekily
undressing.
Seeking repose while
wending their way through winter's plan.
Sleeping
until the kiss of spring.

Not saying this is any better - but just had the feel that the use of alliteration might be effective. Also the metaphor of being awakened by a kiss like Sleeping Beauty - does that work, do you think?

Still like your original. I love the "undressing" metaphor. That reminds me of the Michel Legrand song "The Summer Knows". It ends with "one last caress, it's time to dress for Fall." Beautiful.

(Feel free to shoot me down in flames! )

Cheers
Shelley

[Terry]

Well Done Sue

[mummsie]

Oh, I like Shelley-gives it a real lift.
I would probably stick with "dawn" though given the picture we are painting refers to preparing for and waking for/from slumber.
This has been a great topic. Not only has it encouraged discussion, as David points out, it works also as a group topic, enabling us to broaden our horizons at the same time as throwing our hats into the ring. Offering suggestions on anthers words is not something that comes easy, especially in an area where I/we have little or no knowledge but hey, what the heck, sometimes its fun to jump in at the deep end and isnt that how we learn.
Thank you Shelley
and thank you Terry

Cheers
Sue

[Heather]

And if i may be a little cheeky once more - I wouldn't use the word "autumn" at the beginning of the poem - it gives the story away before anyone has even read the poem. I think the reader should be able to read the poem and work that out from the words you have used and the description. Don't make things too obvious.

This has been a great discussion. I think we hesitate to give our thoughts for fear of offending. We can most certainly learn from each other by discussing a poem. and giving constructive thoughts and criticism.

Heather

[mummsie]

Oh your back-how was the run?

[Heather]

He he he. I think my running days are on hold for a bit.

[Shelley Hansen]

Thanks Sue - pleased that my input was upbuilding, as it was meant to be

I see your point with "dawn" and the awakening metaphor, which I was taking from a Sleeping Beauty angle.

As I'm sure you know, two other really good tools in all kinds of poetry but especially free verse are consonance and assonance - the repeating of either consonant or vowel sounds, not just as alliteration but within the words as well. So "Betty Botter bought some butter" doesn't just use the repeated "b" at the beginning (alliteration), it also uses the repeated "t" sound (consonance). In a similar way "kiss of spring" maximises the use of the "s" sound.

Also effective is onomatopoeia (the use of words which when spoken, imitate the sounds they describe). For example, hiss, sizzle, pop, hum, clack and so on.

So many beautiful decorations for our poetry!

You are right, this is an enjoyable and productive discussion

Cheers
Shelley