G'day All,
Its wet, rain is coming down in buckets here. I thought I would post this for the kind people here to comment. And as always thanks for looking.
Unthoughtful Time:
Where did it all go?
Gone in just a rippled warp flow
For a paradox it was here and there,
but it felt like it was right near
Yet rudely disappeared; I fear
For seconds its a mere nothing
Just minutes seem always waiting
Those hours tick by, they never seem enough
But a metal clock hands point, yet give no guff,
tick tock, deary days long, deemed so very tough
Then age rudely comes before our time
Lines grow deep, long, and yet never fine
Our vision burled or lost, but its no evil chime
Flowing hair now prickle, cut short-n-brittle
Our lives come and go, those of the many; mean so little
Mindful things seem so anxious, some overburden
Tasks need quick completion, qualities now defeated
Knowledge becomes a fray, most forgotten as we need it
Visions wisdom, a failure comes lost to those unheeded
Our thoughts die more than time has ever seeded
O our dreams are often lost, many forgotten in time
how can ones lifetime of memories be simply defined?
Don't look over your shoulder its always running behind
that sneaking time creeps up on you, do you mind?
Unclear so, but how rude, its no friend of mine
Remarkably through time, it heals all wounds
but it has no heart, mind, body nor soul
Yet if time is not real, how come it needs a doctor?
This doctor, he always appears lost, yet never destined to simplicity,
but he's no mystery, this lord is actually found in BBC history
However, time is short for those which it can't be
Impatient our time is, often fought with, how difficult it seems for me
Yet for me , a good watch in hand I find is a really smart key
Unpredictable, unkind, short and nothing is for free
Watch out, time waits for no one, not even the.
But I've forgotten, its all been a lost and broken chime.
© Philip Anthony
Unthoughtful Time
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Hully
Re: Unthoughtful Time
Hi There Philip
- I am breaking a rule here, as I almost NEVER critique or make suggestions about others work - however I feel there is something quite beautiful trapped inside this poem - something whimsical and reflective and lovely - there is almost a Shakespearean soliloquy in there - and I say 'trapped' because, in my opinion, it gets lost in the jumble of disparate ideas and junk - it just 'tries too hard'.... (please feel free to ignore or reject my thoughts - there's a reason why I never comment) but if it were mine I would cut it by at least half - if not in length then at least in ideas - Pitch it at 'reflective wisdom' rather than 'jumbled madman'....less is more, and don't try for 'too' clever - clever enough is more than clever enough.....Congratulations, you have found a seam, it is up to you how to extract the best material from it.....
and I should say, if you want me to demonstrate my thoughts with some judicious editing, I am happy to, but certainly wouldn't presume to....
Good luck
h
- I am breaking a rule here, as I almost NEVER critique or make suggestions about others work - however I feel there is something quite beautiful trapped inside this poem - something whimsical and reflective and lovely - there is almost a Shakespearean soliloquy in there - and I say 'trapped' because, in my opinion, it gets lost in the jumble of disparate ideas and junk - it just 'tries too hard'.... (please feel free to ignore or reject my thoughts - there's a reason why I never comment) but if it were mine I would cut it by at least half - if not in length then at least in ideas - Pitch it at 'reflective wisdom' rather than 'jumbled madman'....less is more, and don't try for 'too' clever - clever enough is more than clever enough.....Congratulations, you have found a seam, it is up to you how to extract the best material from it.....
and I should say, if you want me to demonstrate my thoughts with some judicious editing, I am happy to, but certainly wouldn't presume to....
Good luck
h
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Neville Briggs
- Posts: 6946
- Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:08 pm
- Location: Here
Re: Unthoughtful Time
I think you are experienced enough to make a helpful comment Hully. 
An interesting reflection on encroaching old age Philip. I always think of Dr Who ? as a parody or a spoof rather than a serious take on matters of time and existence.
An interesting reflection on encroaching old age Philip. I always think of Dr Who ? as a parody or a spoof rather than a serious take on matters of time and existence.
Neville
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.
" Prose is description, poetry is presence " Les Murray.
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LongMan
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 12:41 pm
Re: Unthoughtful Time
G'day Guys,
My inspiration for Unthoughtful Time was, strangely enough, while watching a Doctor Who special played here on BBC America. The show showed all the actors that had played “The Doctor” and I suddenly realized I had watched most of them on the ABC when growing up in Sydney. Then it hit me. I didn't intend to write something serious or classical as Mr.S would write. The special included comments from younger guests and people that I had never heard of. I was amazed the series had such a wide fan base here in the US. To be honest it made me feel horribly old to. Amazingly, I could recall most of the episodes. Yet some I had sadly forgotten. In writing this poem, I just wrote the first themes, such as the paradox, seconds, minutes, hours, loss of memory, clock hands guff etc... and established a rough plan. Then I wrote things that came into my head with the focus of the television show “Doctor Who”. I did want a slightly humorous tone to it, some have said I write like the grim reaper sometimes..... Thus you have the (strange) reason behind the poem I guess.
Hully, sure by all means edit it for me. I do have a lot of ideas I just need to tweak the volume down a bit. I seem over eager to impress. At the first writing site I went to, some just slammed my work and laughed at it. I guess it got me, sneaked under my guard. I'd love to see what someone else could do with my ideas.... It might make me understand a little better. I always have lots to learn.....I'm just a beginner at this.
Thanks for the help.
PHIL
My inspiration for Unthoughtful Time was, strangely enough, while watching a Doctor Who special played here on BBC America. The show showed all the actors that had played “The Doctor” and I suddenly realized I had watched most of them on the ABC when growing up in Sydney. Then it hit me. I didn't intend to write something serious or classical as Mr.S would write. The special included comments from younger guests and people that I had never heard of. I was amazed the series had such a wide fan base here in the US. To be honest it made me feel horribly old to. Amazingly, I could recall most of the episodes. Yet some I had sadly forgotten. In writing this poem, I just wrote the first themes, such as the paradox, seconds, minutes, hours, loss of memory, clock hands guff etc... and established a rough plan. Then I wrote things that came into my head with the focus of the television show “Doctor Who”. I did want a slightly humorous tone to it, some have said I write like the grim reaper sometimes..... Thus you have the (strange) reason behind the poem I guess.
Hully, sure by all means edit it for me. I do have a lot of ideas I just need to tweak the volume down a bit. I seem over eager to impress. At the first writing site I went to, some just slammed my work and laughed at it. I guess it got me, sneaked under my guard. I'd love to see what someone else could do with my ideas.... It might make me understand a little better. I always have lots to learn.....I'm just a beginner at this.
Thanks for the help.
PHIL
-
Hully
Re: Unthoughtful Time
Hi Phil,
I have had a quick stab at an edit this morning but it has come out more as a re-write....and certainly a rough draft that need some serious polishing.
I will post it here but fear that it is not really the poem you wanted to write in the first place - nor the quality that I saw in it - it seems to have become something else entirely - anyway, perhaps it may give you some ideas as to possible structures etc?? - perhaps it will reinforce your original ideas?....I must say that I feel a bit 'humbug' for commenting in the first place so I hope that this is valuable to you, or at least neutral, and not counter-productive.....
h
Where did it all go?
It was both there and here, but came with the fear
That something unseen could soon disappear
For seconds are nothing, and minutes are less
And hours divided are ours nonetheless
Years can race by while days can drag on
And some moments linger long after they’re gone
Things ‘take’ time but what do they ‘bring’
A clock can have hands but rarely a wing,
So how does time fly? – and where does it go?
Just a dip and a ripple in life’s ebb and flow
Where did it all go?
Time comes and goes but age never leaves
And each man deserves just what he receives
Those who have laughed well have earned a few lines
Those who have worried will still bear the signs
The eye that has searched is the one that must fade
And joints only ache in the limbs that have played
We each have our birth, we each have our prime
We all must concede to the trappings of time
And if memories fade and perceptions are slow
Invisible time must have something to show
Where did it all go?
Time can neither be travelled nor saved
Nor over (or under) not bought and not waived
You cannot be ‘on’ time nor can it be passed
You cannot be ‘in’ time and time cannot last
Unpredictable? – yes! And not kind and not free
But insidious? – No – not even for thee!
Don’t look over your shoulder for temporal strife
Un-ravaged by time, we are ravaged by life !
Where it all comes from we can never know
So why do we wonder where did it go?
....Where did it all go?
I have had a quick stab at an edit this morning but it has come out more as a re-write....and certainly a rough draft that need some serious polishing.
I will post it here but fear that it is not really the poem you wanted to write in the first place - nor the quality that I saw in it - it seems to have become something else entirely - anyway, perhaps it may give you some ideas as to possible structures etc?? - perhaps it will reinforce your original ideas?....I must say that I feel a bit 'humbug' for commenting in the first place so I hope that this is valuable to you, or at least neutral, and not counter-productive.....
h
Where did it all go?
It was both there and here, but came with the fear
That something unseen could soon disappear
For seconds are nothing, and minutes are less
And hours divided are ours nonetheless
Years can race by while days can drag on
And some moments linger long after they’re gone
Things ‘take’ time but what do they ‘bring’
A clock can have hands but rarely a wing,
So how does time fly? – and where does it go?
Just a dip and a ripple in life’s ebb and flow
Where did it all go?
Time comes and goes but age never leaves
And each man deserves just what he receives
Those who have laughed well have earned a few lines
Those who have worried will still bear the signs
The eye that has searched is the one that must fade
And joints only ache in the limbs that have played
We each have our birth, we each have our prime
We all must concede to the trappings of time
And if memories fade and perceptions are slow
Invisible time must have something to show
Where did it all go?
Time can neither be travelled nor saved
Nor over (or under) not bought and not waived
You cannot be ‘on’ time nor can it be passed
You cannot be ‘in’ time and time cannot last
Unpredictable? – yes! And not kind and not free
But insidious? – No – not even for thee!
Don’t look over your shoulder for temporal strife
Un-ravaged by time, we are ravaged by life !
Where it all comes from we can never know
So why do we wonder where did it go?
....Where did it all go?
-
LongMan
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 12:41 pm
Re: Unthoughtful Time
G'day Hully,
Hey don't worry about it. Let me clarify something I'm new to this so please understand. The way I write is in my own “LongMan” style; hence my nic. 16 lines is never enough for a poem I always say. Although, some like that format, thats their choice. As an art form, poetry is a fine word art with numerous word styles and formats. We all have our fav's and ~"I RESPECT THAT"~. Importantly, I write because its an outlet for expressive and creative urges that need to come out from within me. My style is different and sometimes troublesome to the purest critics. Sorry its just me. A long time ago, a wonderful teacher told me, “Poetry is verse, but not just words.” And she stressed, “The best poetry are words that paint a clear picture in the readers mind.” I take heed of those words very strongly. My English teachers thought very little of me. But hey, maybe they were just poor teachers. Who knows. However, I'm one that needs inspiration to write. What I write it must have purpose, soul and imagery; something I find essential when writing a poem. Below are some points that I use when writing....
- Most important, if your heart and imagination is not in it, “ don't write!”
- Select the right tone for the poem, it dictates a comedic or depressed theme, a mood you are to convey. Sometimes its best to live the subject matter in the poem in order to write about it.
- Brain storm colorful/descriptive subject matter. Then put it into some sort of plan for a initial draft. Relevance and important stanzas placed accordingly.
- I look for key words, use interesting meaningful words. A flare for word craft is key!
- Draft poignant phrases with a catchy ring to them.
- Read your written work aloud, over and over, and the text must sing/jive/rhyme without destroying subject or theme.
- I try and make every last word rhyme, yet I don't force it.
- Bring in positives and negatives, black and whites.
- Do not repeat words or phrase unless specifically intended.
- Subject matter is often personnel but keep it simple so most readers can relate.
- Keep line and word structure limited and tight, even make format pretty to look at.
- The title, its often selected only at the end. The ending you write relates to the title subject always.
- Beware of word substitutes as it can often becomes to cryptic for the average reader.
- Write for yourself, readers will either like it or hate it. But always - "write for yourself".
- Keep a list of interesting subject matter, you may find it anywhere so be ready with a notebook or tablet and jot it down.
- Go back to the poem weeks later, read it again as often you may want to change it. I call this the maturing process. Kinda not unlike a fine wine, it matures (becomes better) in time.
Nothing above that I have written is probably new to you. As we know its never easy to write poetry/verse. For me that is the case. Yet for some, it just flows out of their hands onto a screen. Obviously, practice is the key word. But remember this is something we all do just for fun and enjoyment. I hope I've helped explain how I begin my drafting process.
I hope I've helped.
PHIL
Hey don't worry about it. Let me clarify something I'm new to this so please understand. The way I write is in my own “LongMan” style; hence my nic. 16 lines is never enough for a poem I always say. Although, some like that format, thats their choice. As an art form, poetry is a fine word art with numerous word styles and formats. We all have our fav's and ~"I RESPECT THAT"~. Importantly, I write because its an outlet for expressive and creative urges that need to come out from within me. My style is different and sometimes troublesome to the purest critics. Sorry its just me. A long time ago, a wonderful teacher told me, “Poetry is verse, but not just words.” And she stressed, “The best poetry are words that paint a clear picture in the readers mind.” I take heed of those words very strongly. My English teachers thought very little of me. But hey, maybe they were just poor teachers. Who knows. However, I'm one that needs inspiration to write. What I write it must have purpose, soul and imagery; something I find essential when writing a poem. Below are some points that I use when writing....
- Most important, if your heart and imagination is not in it, “ don't write!”
- Select the right tone for the poem, it dictates a comedic or depressed theme, a mood you are to convey. Sometimes its best to live the subject matter in the poem in order to write about it.
- Brain storm colorful/descriptive subject matter. Then put it into some sort of plan for a initial draft. Relevance and important stanzas placed accordingly.
- I look for key words, use interesting meaningful words. A flare for word craft is key!
- Draft poignant phrases with a catchy ring to them.
- Read your written work aloud, over and over, and the text must sing/jive/rhyme without destroying subject or theme.
- I try and make every last word rhyme, yet I don't force it.
- Bring in positives and negatives, black and whites.
- Do not repeat words or phrase unless specifically intended.
- Subject matter is often personnel but keep it simple so most readers can relate.
- Keep line and word structure limited and tight, even make format pretty to look at.
- The title, its often selected only at the end. The ending you write relates to the title subject always.
- Beware of word substitutes as it can often becomes to cryptic for the average reader.
- Write for yourself, readers will either like it or hate it. But always - "write for yourself".
- Keep a list of interesting subject matter, you may find it anywhere so be ready with a notebook or tablet and jot it down.
- Go back to the poem weeks later, read it again as often you may want to change it. I call this the maturing process. Kinda not unlike a fine wine, it matures (becomes better) in time.
Nothing above that I have written is probably new to you. As we know its never easy to write poetry/verse. For me that is the case. Yet for some, it just flows out of their hands onto a screen. Obviously, practice is the key word. But remember this is something we all do just for fun and enjoyment. I hope I've helped explain how I begin my drafting process.
I hope I've helped.
PHIL
Last edited by LongMan on Mon Nov 05, 2012 10:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
-
LongMan
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 12:41 pm
Re: Unthoughtful Time
G'day Heather,
Oh I try young lady. I find writing is a skill and the more one writes the better one becomes. I don't intend to occupy this chat page nor use it to just post my work. With posting I hope to at least keep it moving along and provide constructive comment when needed. "I'm not a writer" - but as we know its a skill essential in what ever we do now days. Poetry is a fun way to keep it fresh, just as writing a novel is to the novelist. What is important is we write for our enjoyment, and as long as it remains fun we keep doing it.
Thanks, still learning here.
PHIL
Oh I try young lady. I find writing is a skill and the more one writes the better one becomes. I don't intend to occupy this chat page nor use it to just post my work. With posting I hope to at least keep it moving along and provide constructive comment when needed. "I'm not a writer" - but as we know its a skill essential in what ever we do now days. Poetry is a fun way to keep it fresh, just as writing a novel is to the novelist. What is important is we write for our enjoyment, and as long as it remains fun we keep doing it.
Thanks, still learning here.
PHIL
-
LongMan
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Mon Aug 27, 2012 12:41 pm
Re: Unthoughtful Time
G'day Heather,
So what do you think, is this poem any good?
PHIL
So what do you think, is this poem any good?
PHIL