PHOTO SHOOT
© Brenda Joy
Winner, 2015 ‘Oracles of the Bush’, Humorous Section, Tenterfield, NSW.
I had to go to Sydney for the birth of Grandchild Five
and leave my poor old man alone. Now how would he survive?
So just to let him know that I was missing him a lot
when I was in the bath, I emailed him a ‘selfie’ shot.
He got it on his I Phone, sent a text that I looked great.
He said to hurry home because he simply couldn’t wait
to have me there beside him in our long-term marriage bed.
(I had a little giggle ‘bout the tender things he said.)
But hubby isn’t used to all the gadgets on his phone
and parts of that technology, it’s best to leave alone.
His wits are not the best these days since he turned forty-two!
But fiddling ‘round he stumbled on to what the ‘young-uns’ do.
And through a simple accident, my photo in the nude
got muddled up with Instagrams, with ‘texting’ rude and lewd.
I’d heard about those starlets – Hollywood celebrities
who give young blokes the liven up and old blokes… memories…
…but I’m afraid my unclothed form has seen much better days
and me, sat there in naked bliss did not evoke much praise.
In fact, responses posted (‘bout as rude as they could get)
would cause Stromatolites* to get insulted and upset.
First someone frankly told Old Mate he’d better get new specs,
while many comments were about dropped boobs and wrinkly necks,
and one suggested air-brush paint to take away the lines,
another said that smoother skin was found on porcupines.
Still others wrote of varicose and spider veins and lumps
and someone asked naively if my thighs had had the mumps.
When I got on to U-Tube – Strewth! – I got a million hits.
The cyber-world was jammed to see my dinosauric bits.
I dreaded going home, what would embarrassed hubby say?
My photo shoot portfolio was ‘Google of the Day’.
But hubby’d not seen comments ‘bout my bulges, bumps and sags.
He hadn’t read a single word. He’d simply counted tags.
“You really are quite famous Darl, just like a movie star
and far as I’m concerned you beat the pants off them by far.”
As beauty’s in the eye of the beer holder I just said,
“Here, have another stubby Darl.” and took him off to
bed.
*Stromatolites: Ancient, diverse and complex ecosystems.
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