SUGAR COATED MORNAY

[Jeff Thorpe]

This poem is one I wrote some time ago and posted on the old web site. It tells the story of a failed cooking attempt to make Tuna Mornay.

Unfortunately, I fell into the same trap recently preparing another of the same dish. A sequel entitled "HISTORY REPEATED" follows.

SUGAR COATED MORNAY


On retirin’ from the workforce there were thoughts of “what comes next”?
Will me life hereon be viewed as a closed book?
Solution that I found showed no need ta be perplexed,
the decision made, “I’m gunna learn ta cook”.
Yeah, I’ve had a bit of history with cookin’ now ya see
and learnin’ a bit more can’t be that hard.
I know jest how ta heat a pie an’ make a cuppa’ tea
so I don’ think that I’ll be caught off guard.

Where to start, I wonder an’ what grub’ll taste a treat,
will I bake or fry or grill or make some toast?
Maybe some o’ that Chinese stuff, what they call it, sour an’ sweet?
Or what about jest ‘taties an’ a roast.
A recipe’s what I need so, through the cookin’ books an’ lists I muse
ta find a course that looks and tastes jest right.
There’s hun’reds there ta pick from an’ it’s pretty tough ta choose
but, soon I find the one ta cook that night.

Instructions don’ sound all that bad, I really gotta say
an’ I think this meal is gunna taste real swish.
It’s got a fancy label, by the name Tuna Mornay,
yeah, I reckon I’m the chef ta make this dish.
There’s tuna an’ red onion, juice o’ lemon, celery, milk an’ ‘sparagus soup
topped with bread crumbs an’ some grated cheese,
an’ let me tell ya, keepin’ all these items in the loop
demands some gastronomic expertise.

The onion’s browned with celery, milk an’ soup all in the pan,
then mixed with lemon an’ tuna in a dish,
sprinkle on the crumbs an’ cheese accordin’ ta the plan
then half hour in the oven an’ ya get some ritzy fish.
So, how long’s this been goin’ on, I’m wonderin’ while I wait,
these cooks don’ know jest how well off they are,
this Tuna Mornay, it don’ seem no trouble ta create,
me cookin’ test is lookin’ good so far.

Thus, the dinner’s ready when me darlin’s home from work
an’ she comes in askin’ “What we got fa tea”?
“Sweetheart”, I says “It is time you’ve earned a little perk,
the menu’s Tuna Mornay cooked by me”.
“Ripper”, says me lovely bride, “that’s gunna hit the spot
‘cos I’m famished an’ I didn’ have much lunch.
Tuna sounds delicious, even more so when it’s hot
an’ the mornay sauce’ll surely add some punch”.

Consequently, she tucks in with gusto an’ delight,
happy that she didn’ have ta cook
but, suddenly she almost gags in middle of a bite,
2


declarin’ that the Mornay tastes real crook.
“What”, I says, “that can’t be right, the recipe’s real straight
an’ I measured all ingredients ta the letter”.
“Well”, she says, “I think that ya’ve put rubbish on me plate
an’ I shoulda known ya wouldn’t do much better”.


Where the hell did I go wrong, I’m thinkin’ straight away,
this cookin’ lark seemed jest a piece o’ cake.
One thing’s fa sure, me brownie points’ve clearly gone astray,
so, what has made me Tuna Mornay fake?
A concentrated probe’s required ‘bout what went in the meal
ta save me reputation as a cook,
there’s nothin’ in the dish an’ pan that didn’ look ideal
an’ there weren’ any short cuts that I took.

A thorough careful scrutiny was started right away
ta find out where the cookin’ deal went wrong
an’ very soon I found that somethin’ wasn’ quite okay,
brown sugar mixed where it did not belong.
“Strewth” I muttered, realisin’ this was me mistake,
The one that put the Mornay on the nose,
brown sugar ‘stead o’ breadcrumbs, sure ta make the tummy ache,
an honest fault but, noxious I suppose.

The moral of this story thus, is pretty plain ta see
that in cookin’ never take eyes off the ball.
Otherwise, believe it that ya’ll end up jest like me,
tryin’ ta run before you learn ta crawl.
However, I’m not one ta let misfortune get me down,
if that were so I’d go completely crackers
though, tanight for tea I’m sure that we’ll be goin’ inta town
me love an’ me are headin’ straight ta Maccas.


Jeff Thorpe ©





HISTORY REPEATED

My place in cooking’s Hall of Fame has once again been dashed,
another Tuna Mornay dish spectacularly crashed.
The sugar ‘stead of bread crumbs quirk has raised its head once more
with no one in the kitchen background there to yell out “Fore”.

This time it was raw sugar, last time it was brown,
both look much like breadcrumbs and both have shot me down.
Take it from me, look and taste are surely not the same,
this clearly established, forever to my shame.

They say to err is human and to forgive divine,
forgiveness though seems lacking, t’ward dishes that are mine.
Rightfully so, I guess, to treat them with suspicion,
my cooking’s at the level of a Labor politician.

But, this mishap won’t keep me down, I’ll have another crack
to perfect a Tuna Mornay and get the diners back.
Employ a different strategy, set a special scene,
this time there’ll be no mistakes, dye the breadcrumbs green.


Jeff Thorpe 26 June 2012 ©

[Maureen K Clifford]

Simple solution - label the bloody jars and use big letters.

Be careful at Sizzlers as well - I well remember my ex pouring custard onto his bowl of baby beets thinking they were plums and you have never tasted anything so delightful as liver tossed in icing sugar mistakenly thought to be cornflour.

I sympathize with your culinary faux pax - but all is not lost you got two good poems out of it

[Rimeriter]

quote - ' but all is not lost you got two good poems out of it '.

As well as bloody good chuckles from me.
Jim

[Jeff Thorpe]

G'day Maureen, Hi Jim

Thanks for your interest. The recent effort caused much laughter in the kitchen.

Cheers, Jeff