A SURE THING (for The Cup)

[Vic Jefferies]

This is an old one but I thought it deserves an outing today!

A SURE THING!

I’d like to tell you a story about me and the Melbourne Cup;
how I was tipped the winner and in that horse race sold a pup.
Yes, everyone has a story about that legendary race,
but it’s rare you’re given the winner and the horse that fills last place!

It was way back in eighty two, a year I’ll always remember,
I was in a country pub on that first Tuesday in November,
I had been studying the form trying to decide what to do:
have a lash at a roughie or back the favourite number two,
when from the corner of my eye I saw this old bloke edging up,
and suddenly he was whispering, “Whadaya like in the Cup?”

I replied I wasn’t sure, I didn’t know the condition of the course
the old bloke said, “Son stop your thinking, I’ve got the winning horse!”
I thought, ‘I don’t like your chances Pop,’ ‘cause I’d heard it all before,
I knew the world is full of tipsters and invariably they’re poor.
This old man wasn’t any different; just one glance would tell you that:
from the holes in his worn out boots, to the thing he wore as a hat.

He said, “Mate, I know what you’re thinking, I can see it in your eyes.
Well cobber, anyone here will tell you, I aint the sort that lies.
I used to be a trainer and trained winners by the score,
at least until ‘The Great Inquiry’ back in nineteen fifty four,
but they all knows I was a champion, a legend in the game,
even though since they barred me, it hasn’t been run the same.

“I aint asking you for money, I am not that sort of a tout
you see getting around the place trying to hawk their tips about.
All I ask for my advice, and I wish to make it very clear,
is when I supply the winner, in return you’ll buy me a beer.”
Then he said, “Of course as a bonus if you care to shout a rum
I’ll also guarantee the horse who in last place is going to come!”

Most punters are unaware, it’s a very strange part of the game,
you can bet on the last place getter and win on it just the same.
Yes the bookies will take your wager on the last and first I knew,
perhaps that’s why I became inclined to see what he could do,
so I called the barman over and bought him a beer and rum,
but as pop sank the schooner I saw that his victim I’d become.

The old man seemed to straighten up and in a voice loud and clear
(though I think his eloquence came from the empty schooner of beer)
announced, “Son, I’ll keep our bargain; now it’s me solemn duty
to declare the winning horse will be...‘YOU LITTLE BLOODY BEAUTY!’
He is the winning horse because there was never a race he lost,
that’s the name the lucky punters roar as they watch him pass the post.”

Then as he reached across the bar for the glass that held the rum
he said, “Don’t worry mate, I have more information yet to come,
I have learned from vast experience gained through years gone past,
‘YOU MONGREL!’ is sure to be the horse that comes in motherless last.”
Then as I gazed around the bar at the many grinning faces
I took it as another lesson learnt while dabbling in the races.

So then I went and placed my bets and settled back to listen,
but as they neared the end of the race my heart began to quicken,
and as the horses crossed the line, I screamed aloud with glee,
“I have backed the flaming winner, YOU LITTLE BLOODY BEAUTY!”
And across the bar there stood the old fellow smiling straight at me
saying, “Son me glass is empty - would you care to increase me fee!”

Vic Jefferies

[Neville Briggs]

Ohh groan

[Ron]

Good one Vic,
I'm sure you did that at G.B.poets last year and it was a real pleasure to listen to!
Cheers Ron.

[Vic Jefferies]

Thank you Neville and Ron.
Yes Ron I did do it at the Gosford Bush Poets last year and I am glad you enjoyed it.